Saturday, 31 July 2010

Anaemia,Tax Rebates and the female Terry Thomas

Friday 31st July 2010.6am-2pm

On the back of 5 hours sleep it was once more unto the breach my dear friends.
The Algerian was coming in later which means that we could get on with soild hard graft without the pocket battleship treating us like infants.

The DJ had started at 5am and was distributing the newspapers.I opened the unit on time at 6am.The Sri Lankan night supervisor who starts at 2am called at 6.20am to check up and said "I can always rely on you to get the shop open".

I felt a great sense of pride.Friday's are always very busy especially the early trains and once again i was taking the piss out of the bleary eyed punters who didn't know waht day it was.

My performance has been very poor on the TPS recently which is down to the fact that they can't actually sack you for poor TPS.They could choose to terminate the contract after the probationary period but i have a fixed term contract.

I was joined at 7am by the female Pakistani Terry Thomas.This is the lady who has created a fake Terry Thomas style "Hello" to engage the punters and she was attempting her usual angle which is forcing punters to move chocolate brands.For example if someone brings a Snickers Duo to the till she will try and move thme onto the TPS chocolate on that day.It rarely works.

She is ok and likes to work in a tidy manner.We overhauled the entire unit and threw away lots of items that lazy members of staff have just shoved in cupboards.It amazes me that 90% of the staff don't have any pride in the workplace but we did a damn fine job today.The stock cupboards were emptied and we felt better about ourselves.We also had a "find" which we exchanged at a local Bureau de Change.It made the day taste more sweet.

Terry Thomas is married with 1 kid and suffers from anaemia.Apparently,she collapsed on the shop floor last week and the PLC had no procedures in place.She has tried to get a "sick note" from her GP but because the anaemia is a long standing condition she couldn't get a letter.I suggested that maybe this isn't a suitable job what about a till job at Tesco's or Sainsbury's but her reply was, "I'm scared to leave this job in case i can't get another one" with a resigned look on her face.

The flat chested blonde appeared,i hadn't seen her for a few days,"Its unusual to see you in this unit,are you following me around" i ventured
"Its funny isn't it maybe its fate" she replied suggestively.
"Are you working the weekend?" she continued
"I'm working a late tomorrow night" i answered
"That's not too bad,but a 10pm finish may affect your Saturday night out" she purred.

Little does she know that i haven't been out on a Saturday night for years because i'm married with 2 young sprogs.

Terry Thomas and I knocked actor Dave into shape by getting him to do a pick and mix so by the time the Algerian arrived the unit was in good shape.He doesn't look well and still reckons he's going to join my football team and lose weight in a boot camp.He's deluded,which is probably from working here too long.

It was pay day and i got my hours from the previous month so it was a reasonable amount and i recieved a tax rebate from last month.Slow boy had a spring in his step because he received 4 months worth of tax rebate which he had been talking about every day since i started work at the PLC.Fat Indian bird also received her rebate but is worried because her payslip refers to her as Mrs not Miss.

The TPS went ok because on Friday's women treat themselves to unhealthy food because its the weekend.I clocked this and used it as a selling angle when comunicating with well heeled business women.

We also have something called "bounceback" vouchers which are discounted vouchers that companies pay the PLC to distribute to customers at the till.We are marked on this because the vouchers are scanned and given to all customers.I achieved 100% on Thursday,anything lower than 97% is considered a failure.

Another shift complete and onwards to tomorrow.

Sany Gall bags

Thursday, 29 July 2010


Thursday 29th July 2010.6pm - 9pm

As soon as i arrived the phone went at the big unit,it was Sandy Gall bags,"Firstly,will you stay until 10pm" she asked
"No,you guys still owe me 90 hours of wages so i won't work an extra hour tonight" i replied.

She was disappointed but i can't go the extra mile for the PLC because of the way they treat their staff.

I worked with the Romeo for a while but he was strangely subdued tonight.There were some interesting career women on their way home after long days in the office.

I chose my own hours for the next 2 weeks which are very covenient and fit well into the family timetable.

Reporting for duty at 6am tomorrow.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010


Wednesday 28th July 2010.6am - 2pm

Chaotic scenes this morning.Due to the shortage of bodies one of the units couldn't open on time.

There is a middle aged woman from head office who undertakes random checks to ensure the business is functioning properly.She wasn't pleased when the unit in question opened late.The Algerian bore the brunt of her anger and for the first time he had a resigned look on his face.The look of someone who is unhappy but can't find a way out.

The first 2 hours are always very busy with all the first train punters hoovering up newspapers and chewing gum.One of the pet hates of the employees is when an irate punter gets so fed up with the queues they slap the money on the counter and walk out with their paper.This means we can't scan in the newspapers which has far reaching consequences when the returns take place.

However,i learnt something from the French queen today.He uses the money from papers to set up fake TPS purchases.So if someone leaves £2 on the counter and walks out that is 2 TPS sales which will go down nicely on the league tables.

I was relieved at 10am by the Albino Algerian with the facial tick and sent to the big unit where i was welcomed by the Cockney scrubber.En route to the big unit i attempted to wheel 2 huge cages through the concourse at the same time.I pretended i was Nigel Mansell again and made it safely.

Wednesdays is book day so the Cockney scrubber is obsessed.I took my usual berth on the tills and when it became too busy for me i would shout for help from my new best friend,the Cockney scrubber.She is all nervous energy and makes lots of basic mistakes.She couldn't work out half of £11 so i told her and she blamed it on tiredness,more like no grey matter.

Even though the King is still on annual leave i saw him pop in for a short while today wearing stonewash jeans and a beige creased shirt.How pathetic is that? Coming into work on his holiday.Maybe his assistant had a probelm she couldn't deal with.

There is a new woman in the cash office and she has a weight problem.I felt sorry for her because the rotweiller and the other 2 who work in the cash office are on leave at the same time which means she has been thrown to the wolves but she held it all together quite well.

I am starting to make friends with the Boots crew who wear white tops with blue braiding.One of them appears to be Eastern Bloc and the other one is Scottish who likes Sudoku books.Neither of them are oil paintings but pleasant introverted individuals.

The combination of the early starts and the relentless pace of the job are exhausting.I haven't worked these hours since i was a commis waiter at the Herman Goring back in the early 90's and i was a lot younger.I admire the guys who work these early shifts 5 days a week and have done it for years.The physical scars are plain to see,symptoms are bloodshot eyes,jaded facial skin and well worn hands.

The day flew by.Rasta boy's mum is following the diary and apparently likes it.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Seb Coe and Boris Johnson

Tuesday 27th July 2010.6am-2pm

At last back to work with a real shift.A brisk 30 minute walk to work on a pleasant summer's morning in the sprawling metropolis.

In the staff room was a fringe member of the Pakistani mafia looking unwell.I asked him if he was ok and he said he was suffering from a heavy cold.He also has a pair of woollen gloves like the French queen does.These are clearly a standard requirement for cage duties.

I was sent to my home unit,the one where i cut my teeth and learnt the trade from some of the best operators in the business.Normally,there would be 3 of us in there until at least 1pm.

It was the French queen and myself.He is good fun and is definitely not gay.He met a 21 year old Cameroonian girl whilst on holiday recently and he is 38 years old.

There had been lots of activity in the station with high profile security and hundreds of people with branded T shirts.

Today was a special day because its 2 years until the Olympic opening ceremony and we had the privilege of being the site of the first official London 2012 shop in the UK.The big names arrived and the crowds gathered,the press pack was cosmopolitan with journalists from all over the world.

Being the closest retail unit to the main event it was chaotic all morning.It was interesting speaking to a representative from the biggest junk food pusher in the world.They really believe that they are untouchable and without their cash there would be no London Olympics.

I just can't understand how the two can work together.One is trying to promote sport for all and the other is selling junk food.The Algerian was supervising us as usual because he's always on the early shifts.

I remarked how tired he looked and he hadn't got to sleep until 1am for a 5am start.He was unshaven,podgy and with a slight jaundice colour to his Algerian cheeks.

We battled on with the occasional assistance from actor Dave who was gormless as usual.Everyone just uses him as a runner.At one stage the French queen had him running upstairs to get some London maps for a middle aged ugly French madam who had already bought an A-Z.He came back with the wrong maps.I feel sorry for the actor because he is seriously gormless and doesn't know when people are abusing him.

I didn't have a break until midday and by then I was Hank Marvin.The Boots meal deal soothed my hunger and i am now becoming well known by the predominately Asian staff at Boots.

I spent the last hour in the big unit with the Cockney scrubber who was feeling the pressure.She was livid when the troubleshooter told her to get on a till during a busy period.

In her usual uncouth manner she started mouthing off whilst serving customers and talking to me at the same time,"He's got a bloody cheek asking me to get on a till whilst i was doing the books" she shouted.
"He saw the queue,why didn't he get on a till" she continued loudly.This is all taking place with a huge snake of a queue in front of us with the punters looking at their watches.

At 2pm it's the big change over.All the early birds clock off and the new shift members appear.Sandy Gall bags was there and she told me briefly about her caravan holiday in Mercia Island near Colchester.The slim Indian cricketer was being slippery and the Noel Clarke extra was starting a shift complaining of food poisoning courtesy of a "rogue take away in Manor Park".

Same shift tomorrow,bring it on.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Whoopi Goldberg and The Pakistani Mafia

Saturday 24th July 2010.2pm-10pm

Thursday and Friday off due to cut backs.

Physically i was under the weather after picking up some kind of bug from a fish and chip restaurant in Soho.I knew when they told me the fish is cooked in duck fat and palm oil that i was taking a risk.

I hadn't eaten properly all day when i arrived in the staff room to be greeted by the weekend Pakistani Mafia.
They comprise the troubleshooter,the anorexic Pakistani graduate and the 2 weekend supervisors of which one has a voice like a woman and is the same height as Napoleon Bonaparte.

I was summoned to the big unit and it worked out very well because i worked with Whoopi Goldberg.She is a slim black lady with dreadlocks but an unbelievable set of gnashers which resemble a horse.I'd seen her around but had never worked with her.

She is a player.Her communication with the punters is impressive and her levels of service are excellent.In fact the best employee i have met.It took a while to undersatnd her sense of humour but we settled in well.Working with new employees for the first time is a bit like going on a blind date.You just don't know if you will get on with them.

I had to sign 2 more disclaimers.One regarding taking time off for sickness and one for handing out bounceback vouchers.I noticed Thursday's TPS results and 17 out of 22 staff failed to make the target.The Algerian had written in big letters in writing like a child "VERY BAD RESULTS" highlighted in pink.
Napoleon drew my attention to this even though i wasn't working.I suggested to him that its no coincidence that nearly everyone failed to reach the target.If there were incentives this wouldn't happen.Quite simply no-one can be bothered to sell.

Whoopi is a 3 year veteran of the company and knows every angle possible.She works part time in a branch of the PLC at a major London hospital.Even though we may not enjoy what we do its important to maintain standards amidst the mediocrity.

At around 6pm there were some loud noises and laughing emmanating from the staff room.Whoopi heard this and looked at me aggressively.She primed herself for action and said,"Lets sort these idiots out".

She stormed into the staff room and allegedly told them to keep quiet and do some work.When i told her that i call them the "Pakistani Mafia" she laughed uncontrollably and showed her full set of horse teeth.

One punter asked me for a receipt for a purchase of one newspaper and when i told him we don't give receipts as standard practice he said "Its normal,its normal".
Whoopi was fuming at this behaviour it tapped into something inside her,probably irritability, restlessness and discontentment.She hates people who ask for receipts when making small purchases.

I managed to hold down a Cheddar ploughman's sandwich and soldiered on until 10pm.The final 2 hours were on my own but my usual banter was missing because of the illnesss and the spiritual malady.Somalian security is back and we get on well because he likes talking to me about football coaching and tactics.It can be difficult to understand him because of his weak English but he's a decent bloke just making the best of it and providing for his family.

2 more days off and then a week of early shifts beckons.

Thursday, 22 July 2010


Wednesday 21st July 2010.8am-12pm

Once again a short shift which is really affecting me.Even though next week its back to normal i don't feel a part of this place.

Shunted to the small unit and finally spent some time with the woman i was rude to the other week.

She doesn't say much probably has nothing of interest in her life.However,she has been working here 30 hours a week for 3 years which is comendable in some way.

Her big job today is changing the books over.The Algerian deposits 3 skips of new paperbacks into the unit with a chart list and some "Buy 1 get 1 half price stickers" and away she goes.

In the mean time i man the till and distribute stock from the cage all at the same time.I am off the next 2 days so i can finally start my next project about the Cape Town underworld.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The White Algerian

Tuesday 20th July 2010.8am-12pm

Its my first day of the week at work and because of the severe reduction of hours,the wind has been taken out of my sails.

The Algerian,who was supervising all units on his own,sent me to the small unit which is like being sent to detention.

Nothing happens and when it does its a 10 minute flurry of activity.I didn't bother with TPS because there's no point.I don't benefit financially only the King and his assistant will.I was already planning what to say to the King's assistant about the hours when the Algerian summoned me to my usual berth.

I would be working with the white Algerian who has severe facial ticks.He is a player and has allegedly taken phone numbers from unattached female punters,who admittedly must be desperate.We analysed every nationality of punter and discussed the chances of "pulling" one of them.We both agreed that French women are comfortable
with their sexuality and American girls are the most gullible.

He reads The Sun newspaper whilst waiting for punters and is a decent bloke.
Nothing eventful happened on the tills so at midday I asked for an audience with the King's assistant.

She is the most ruthless woman in business that i have ever dealt with and in property i dealt with a few hard nosed females.To survive in retail management as a woman you've got to have big cahunas.

I confronted her about the reduction in hours and she swatted me away like a school child in Year 1.She quoted the terms of the contract and I countered with "i have mouths to feed and will this be the position for the rest of the summer?"

"We will give you as many hours as we can depending on costings and availability of shifts" she said.
I requested next weeks hours and its back to 30 hours but i can see i'm in for a rollercoaster ride for the next few weeks.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Aspergers Syndrome and The Polish Muslim

Saturday 18th July 2010.2pm-10pm.

Arrived for work nearly an hour early clad in sweaty football training kit and lunch from Marks and Sparks.

The cash office rotweiller,the high pitched weekend supervisor and another member of staff were smoking outside the station.After trying to be amusing they left me alone and i basked in the pleasant sunshine until the beginning of my shift.

I was feeling tired after a kids mini World Cup tournament and a parents versus coaches football match.

The first issue were my hours for next week.Basically my hours have been slashed like a round of austerity cuts.I have only 16 hours next week compared to 35-40 hours the previous 6 weeks.However,its not a bad thing because physically its taking its toll.

The troubleshooter is very well informed because all the weekend supervisors are Pakistani and they let him in on the secrets.The area manager has demanded that they trim £9000 off the monthly expenditure this month.That's after the King's assistant told me "it will be very busy from next week and there are loads of shifts available".

Anyway 2 hours on my own in the big unit with mounting queues and irate punters.An old woman of about 70 demanded i produce more staff out of thin air.I told her i can't do that and when she had paid she walked out of the shop calling me a "prat".
These staffing levels are ridiculous,i was the only member of staff in the whole unit and couldn't even help the punters.The French females were turning up by the dozen and when the Polish Muslim arrived at 4pm i could start working my magic.

If i speak French they respond in English with smiles that could melt a pound of President butter.

I had noticed out of the corner of my eye a buxom brunette of about 35 talking on her mobile in French.The shop happened to be quiet at this moment,

"Bonjour,comment allez vous?" i began
"Very well thank you,how are you?" she replied
" I would like a package of Marlboro menthols please" she continued.
"We are out of those" i answered.
"Ok a package of Mayfair please" she said.

I couldn't understand her pronounciation of menthols.I taught her how to say menthols the English way and she was now blushing uncontrollably even though it was subtle.A quick scan of her hands provided me with evidence that she may have been attached but these days women wear rings just to warn off male suiters.

Our interaction continued for a couple of minutes and she left smiling as she disappeared back to Paris.

This was an ideal opportunity to find out more about this young attractive girl who wears incredible ornate Muslim head regalia.
She wears lots of make up and is immaculate.It transpires she is studying art at college and is off to Egypt for 2 weeks holiday.I tried to establish if she was going away with her husband but she ignored the question.When she returns from Egypt,in the 45 degree heat,it will be time for Ramadan.She has recently become devout but i didn't manage to dig anymore.

At approximately 6pm a young man,who was looking at music titles,made a comment in a loud tone, "Bruce Springsteen is a legend".The Boss is on the front of one of the music monthly's.

Fortunately it was quiet in the unit so i told him how i saw The Boss in Dublin in 1988 and it was a seminal moment in my life.He was very impressed and we then compared concerts and he repeated 3 times that he has seen Mark Knopfler 3 times live.I added that i saw Dire Straits at Earls Court in 1992.His favourite track was Sultans of Swing.I thought that there was something not quite right with this character.

As i was loading the fridges towards the end of the shift he appeared again and after jumping out from the crisps section said,"Have you got Aspergers or a learning disability?"
"I don't suffer from any of those" i responded.
"I have Aspergers syndrome and they have given me a freedom pass" he said proudly.

The anorexic Indian graduate was plying her trade in the big unit and i realised that she must have an eating disorder because she only had a triple chocolate sundae for dinner.She was anxious because her Dad was coming to collect her and he had been late the last couple of shifts.She is incredibly boring and none of the employees have any depth.I suppose that's why they work at the PLC.A mention must go to Vector the security guard who has been standing in for the Somalian.He is 2 years into a mechanical engineering degree and is in the Territorial Army.He wants to become an armourer when he qualifies.It was his last shift today and i gave him a hug and wished him well.A lovely bloke.

I walked to the bus stop and the anorexic Indian was waiting for her chauffeur to take her back to Hackney.The Aspergers boy was walking outside the station looking vacant.

Friday, 16 July 2010

"Do me a favour"

July 16th 2010.8am-4pm

This first communication of the day was,"you're not down to work today mate" from the Algerian.

However,the king's assistant told me i was working because the actor and fake anglo Indian accent had called in ill.
Bollywood was present at this early hour of the day and she was quite bouncy but then started yawning.Within minutes i was transferred to the small unit and the cockney scrubber observed that i was upset with that decision.

I was greeted by slow boy and the Asian DJ/producer who i trained last week.
This boy is a character.I will start with the fact he has sired 3 kids by 2 different mother's and he is only 21.I was pleased to hear that he sees the kids regularly and keeps in contact with the mother's.Also one of them has had breast implants.

I gave him a pep talk about playing the "game" with the punters but he knows the score already and its only his 3rd shift.

An attractive young blonde arrived at the front and requested a packet of menthol cigarettes,"Did you know menthol cigarettes lower a man's sperm count" he began.
She was initially shocked at this comment but they both giggled and he smiled at me when she left the unit.

The "can you do me a favour" line has worn off on me.Even though we are all paid to do a job i found myself asking slow boy to do me a favour on 4 seperate occasions.
They all invloved heavy manual work because i don't want another neck spasm.Also he hates working on the tills because he may have to use his brain.As far he's concerned he would rather be out on the floor or in the store doing the dirty work.
His 3 month probation expires next week and i wonder whether they will keep him on.

The DJ then started groping in his pocket for a mobile which was on silent.That is the ultimate betrayal,carrying a mobile on your person.As bold as brass he took the call whilst manouevering himself out of the unit.He was even speaking on the phone in full view of the punters.Slow boy saw it and ushered him out of the danger zone.If any of the management had seen him he may have been fired.

The alleged reason for the call was that yesterday he moved into a new flat in Islington and after signing the contract realised the place was riddled with damp.
"Were you stoned when you signed the contract?" i asked
"No,i just didn't see the damp when the builders were refurbishing the flat" he replied.

I dined on a home cooked lunch comprising chicken breast and jasmine rice but forgot any sauce so it was very dry.

Unfortunately,the slim Indian cricketer decided i would spend the rest of my shift on my own looking after the baby unit.This unit has mainly English punters who are so boring they never enagage.The women are dressed so poorly and the men have no personality.
There was no-one of note to talk to and it was a very boring afternoon.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

The return of the King

14th July 2010.8am-4pm

It appears as if i am now a permanent member of the big unit team.It turns over the most dosh and is the trophy unit in the station.

This means that the Legend,the cockney scrubber,Bollywood Princess,Sherman Klump and the slim Indian cricketer are my colleagues.

The Legend had his blood test yesterday and i enquired if it went well.The answer was in the affirmative.I overheard the King speaking on his phone about his wife's pregnancy.He has been out of action for 2 days because his trouble and strife is experiencing complications.I hope she is ok.He was strangely subdued because of his personal issues.The king's assistant has been running the show because the operations manager is on leave as well as Sandy Gall bags.

The king's assistant only speaks when necessary and she also has that annoying habit of "can you do me a favour" when asking for assistance.We chatted briefly about Raoul Moat and the copper he shot.She always brings in a packed lunch and i reckon has a really boring empty life and is probably unattached.

The Algerian is milking his new nickname of "The English" and every time he saw me he kept on repeating it and winking at me.I told him i'm proud to be English just like "you're proud to be Algerian".

These supervisors have suddenly become overfamiliar with me and it could be because the Legend is going in for the operation next week and they need someone to be efficient and organised.

The Legend bought 2 packets of scones from Iceland and that's his lunch for the next couple of weeks.The cockney scrubber doesn't eat lunch at work but just wastes her money on items like Wet Ones which are £1.45 and these ridiculous girly snacks which cost £1 and can be eaten in 2 mouthfuls.

The rise of diabetes amongst older people is worrying and according to the paramedic graduate,Bollywood Princess,is directly linked to obesity.The Legend was diagnosed with diabetes in later life and told me he used to be massively overweight.He was given an ultimatum of "change your lifestyle or die early."
He makes a gurgling sound when laughing and once again was making jokes about not having enough £5 notes.

He forces punters to change their brand of mineral water in order to achieve good TPS.He does this by keeping a stash of Vittell water next to his patch and grabs their Buxton out of their hands and says "you don't want that water have this one its cheaper with the Torygraph".

We joked about being sat on by Sherman Klump and he laughed out loud.Another lie from him was that he used to work 135 hours a week at the major pizza chain.
The slim Indian cricketer was softening me up today "we need someone who knows what they are doing when the Legend goes on leave,and you're the man".
Reading between the lines that means lots more trips to the store and shlepping heavy cages.I've worked out that all the management do is arrange breaks,ensure the shelves are full and delegate more menial tasks.Of course the downside is that they have to answer to the King.

I am trying to build up rapport with the regular female punters so i can suck them into TPS purchases.All in all its quite enjoyable.

Bollywood made her entrance at 2pm closely followed by Sherman Klump.She is always yawning and complaining of bad feet.The troubleshooter was all over her like a cheap suit again but she smiled at me when i saw it take place and she now knows the score with these predatory Asian males.

The cash office rotweiller is now very friendly to me and is actually ok.

Mr Klump asked me for the fridge temperature reader and i caught him out.
"Do you have a problem bending down" i said sarcastically.
"Yes" he replied sheepishly.

Due to his enormous belly he can only do things that are at waist level or above.Now i know why he has these certain tasks he performs.He can't do anything else but he's a decent bloke.

Rasta boy surfaced briefly and i'm now friendly with all of the staff.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


Tuesday 13th July 2010.8am-4pm.

Every weekday morning i always bump into the Algerian completing the newspaper delivery sheets.
Today he greeted me with," we need you to start taking more responsibility within the big unit".
He explained what that involves and i took it in my stride.Basically,he maybe saying this just to soften me up or they maybe discussing a possible promotion because later in the day i had a similar talk from the slim Indian cricketer.

He was more thorough and walked me around the unit and explained what standards they expect.I have been analysing the amount of supervisors thay have and can't see any openings but you never know at the PLC because its a fast changing story.

The cockney scrubber was back from a few days off and was fairly relaxed.She still lives with her parents in her mid 30's but reckons she is about to move out and do a house share with some mates.She's probably been saying this for years.

I did well in the TPS league tables for yesterday's performance so didn't get a file note.The king wasn't in today which means his assistant was running the show.

I am starting to like the cash office rotweiller.He has a sense of humour and does actually smile.The Algerian has devised a new name for me, "The English" highly original of course.

The legend is counting down the days until his operation and is milking the sympathy from the staff.He has a pair of sly eyes which reminds me of a bloke at school we used to call "side eye".

He is very selfish and isn't a team player.The legend makes sure that he is organised whether its float,the hording of carrier bags,or hiding the fridge temperature reader.He stashes piles of carrier bags in much the same way a small time cocaine dealer would hide his supply.None of the other units within the PLC have any bags but the Legend always has.

His latest theory is that Liverpool will just survive relegation this forthcoming season and Real Madrid have just woken up to the fact that Steven Gerrard is a one trick pony like Frank Lampard."Gerard just takes potshots from 50 yards and only gets goals via lucky deflections.

He was nil by mouth today because of a blood test scheduled for after work.He made mileage out of that by telling all the customers that his stomach was rumbling when he thinks of the large chocolate bars.

The king's assistant told me there are "plenty of shifts available next week,take your pick."

It definitely feels like there are plans for me at this company.When i started this job i felt like a rapid rise through the ranks was achievable.

The fat controller has now become Mr Klump from the Nutty Professor courtesy of the Legend.He is spitting image of Sherman Klump even down to the quadruple chin.

Bollywood was next to arrive.Looking immaculate and asked me if i could see an undergarment through her skirt,"i could only notice that if i was a lot closer" i remarked.
She giggled like a 15 year old schoolgirl on a first date.The problem she has at this place is that there are a lot of young single male Asians who chance their arm with her.They leer at her when she walks past them and smile falsely when they talk to her.She is incredibly naive and i gave her some friendly advice about this for which she was grateful for.I explained that she is young and attractive and an easy target.

The sweet flat chested blonde from the clothes shop appeared and gave me a smile but unfortunately went to the Legend's till.

Sherman Klump is just running down the clock until he leaves at the end of the month.
Bollywood was given a file note for poor TPS and they used me as an example of how to do it.I never thought i would ever be in a position like this and being used as a positive example of how to sell Haribo's and giant Aero's.

Rasta boy's modem is broken so he hasn't viewed the diary yet which is a shame because i wanted some feedback from him.My final act of the day was to make direct amends to the woman i was rude to last week and gave her a pile of buy 1 get 1 half price stickers as a peace offering.

Monday, 12 July 2010

The truth about the Bollywood Princess

Monday 12th July 2010.9am-4pm

After oversleeping courtesy of cricket in the sun and the football i just made it on time.The new hours maybe a way of gradually reducing my wages and i have to speak to the King's assistant later.

The Algerian has had a short haircut and i paid him a compliment which he enjoyed.A short while later he asked me if i really liked his haircut,"it suits you and its ideal for the hot weather" i told him.

The good news is that i am with the Legend all day.The pace was frenetic and as usual we are short staffed.The Algerian with the facial tick was on the till when i assumed my position,that's how short staffed we are.

"Leave it to the A team" i chortled
"Be careful with that till it's frozen a couple of times this morning" he responded.

I knew today was an ideal opportunity to find out what makes the Legend tick.He was based at a well known chain of pizza restaurants in Loughton for 13 years so i asked him if there were any interesting stories to tell me.He's going into Hospital in 2 weeks to have a shoulder operation.He is having some bone grafted onto his shoulder which was caused by being hit by a car whilst cycling to work a couple of years ago.

"All of the delivery blokes were high on drugs and alcohol when they worked and the manager liked a snort and a puff" he continued.

"One of the girls was the daughter of a high ranking policeman so when she was caught with lots of drugs in a local night club she ended up doing 120 hours community service" he said whilst salivating.

The jokes were flowing as usual and today he said to a female punter who handed over a £10 note to pay for a newspaper,"Do you want me to break your legs or kill you first".This was his dark state of mind created by a rapidly diminishing float.

The Algerian was under severe pressure and he even said "I don't know what to do i can't think properly".
I worry about him and hope he can keep it all together.

The Legend left me on my own in the big unit to deal with the lunchtime trade.He refused to stay an extra hour because he knew he wouldn't get paid for it.
I battled on and rose to the occasion.

I knew Bollywood Princess and the fat controller would appear at 2pm and bail me out of the mess.

I got down to the bottom line with the Bollywood Princess and i established the following information.

She will only marry a Sikh of the same caste which is upper class caste.Her parents told her that she musn't have a boyfriend before she gets married.She has been dating a Sikh male for 3 months who is a business graduate.Her parents don't know about him and according to the princess he is "marriage material".
The final piece of info is that her 1st cousin is the biggest Indian singer in the world right now!!
She went to Birmingham for the weekend where he palyed along with the 50 biggest Bangra performers.I have requested some sample CD's from her.

There was a fun blonde from Hull with braces who engaged in pointless chat for a couple of minutes.I was only entitled to a 20 minute break because i was working a 7 hour shift.

I finished my shift and went to see the King's assistant,"I can't work Sunday's and why have you trimmed my weekday hours by an hour a day" i demanded
"Ok does that mean you can't work any Sundays?" she asked
"That's right" i answered.
"We've found some more money for staffing levels so do you want to go back to your regular hours and have another shift this week" she asked.
"Yes that's fine" i replied.

The bad news is that The Algerian hardcore who was getting divorced had his employment terminated last week.According the large Indian unit he wasn't scanning in the magazines properly and was costing the PLC too much money.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Mr Fixit and The Anorexic

July 10th 2010 3pm - 9pm.

I arrived early as usual and started my shift early to assist The Legend who was getting a rare outing at the weekend.

Today the following characters were present: The Legend,slim Indian graduate,Polish Muslim,Russell (Rohul/Raoul),Noel Clarke extra,gayboy who isn't gay anymore and introducing the troubleshooter.

There is a young Pakistani male in his early 20's who,even though he isn't management,is the bloke we go to in the event of a problem.
He has been slaving away at the PLC for 2 years but told me that when he completes his computer studies degree he will go back to Pakistan."Even my parents think i'm wasting my time at the PLC" he told me one day.

He is also a blatant womaniser but is one fo those guys who girls want as a friend rather than a lover.
The Polish muslim and the slim Indian graduate are his girls and he continuously excuses them heavy manual work which i suppose is fair.The deal with this guy is that even the supervisors ask him solutions to problems.I've noticed that the supervisors, except Sandy Gall bags, can't deal with problems and they often engage the troubleshooter to bail them out of a hole.

Within an hour of working,the plump Indian supervisor had asked me to work until 10pm.He has started calling me Mr Flexi in reference to my stupid mistake at the interview when i told them i am flexible.I'm the only member of the entire workforce who is flexible.That means they can take the proverbial out of me and ask me to work any hours they want.

No matter how hard i tried the punters just weren't engaging in the banter.The heat had wiped most of them out.The English women are the best in the heat.They turn up with red faces and beads of sweat on their brows and are very stroppy.Some of them resembled Zombies.

The anorexic bird turned up at about 5pm.She was built like Victoria Beckham and had a face like the ex wife of Charles Spencer.I started talking to her because if she had some meat on the bone she would have been attractive.Another characteristic of anorexics is hairy arms and covered arms.Apparently,lack of food creates hair to keep the sufferers warm,the hair acts as a barrier.She purchased a few health bars and was from Belgium but obviously doesn't partake in waffles,chips or chocolates.

She returned a few minutes later to spend the last of her shrapnel and refused to buy the large bars of Aeros on special and spent her money on another health bar.

Most of the shift was spent with Russell,Raoul,Rohul.He still hasn't been given a standard issue t-shirt and was wearing casual clothes.He hates till work and spends most of the time floating around the unit tidying up,or so he says.He is very lazy and a messy worker.The highlight of his shift was selling 2 bags of Haribos and 3 Aeros to a Spanish woman who couldn't speak English.He smiled to himself after completing the transaction and immediately replenished his pile of junk food.

I had a look around the unit and that lazy git hadn't even tidied the fridge that doesn't work.We sold a lot of warm drinks today.

My final hour was spent back in the big unit with the Polish muslim tidying up.
I was given my "flexi" hours for next week and i am going to have to speak to the King on Monday morning.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Working with The Legend

Friday 9th July 2010.8am-4pm

Spiritually refreshed but tired after a couple of drinks with City boy and the jeweller.

Entered the luxury staff room to find The Algerian studiously studying the paper delivery sheets and talking out aloud.He has to really concentrate on this so i wolf my pan au raisin and he tells me you're in the big unit.That's a result because all the main protagonists ply their trade in there.

The cockney scrubber is away for a few days so its me and The Legend until 2pm.I was determined to get into the mind of The Legend and find out what makes him tick.

Its always really busy on Friday's and according to the King's assistant it will get even busier when the kids break up for summer holidays at the end of next week.

The Legend carries his own pair of scissors and sellotape in case of emergencies.Slow boy was hovering around and still doesn't know my name after 6 weeks.

"Where have you worked before?" i enquired
"I worked for Pizza Hut when they first opened in London" he replied
"How long for?" i asked
"18 years at the branch in London,that was when overtime was available on an unlimited basis until Maggie stopped it" he continued.
"They would ask me how many hours a week do you want and i'd say 100 hours please, of which half of that was time and a half and sometimes double time" he added.

I was just about to get down to the nitty gritty when a huge queue appeared out of nowhere.I was on good form today and was hitting on the ladies in a big way and it was yielding good TPS results.I don't want anymore file notes just in case they tell me they've had enough.

There is this slim blonde,who could be Italian,that i have seen before.She is flat chested but sweet.We engaged in conversation:

"I've seen you here before" i enquired
"Yes,i work at XXXX" she answered
"That's a strange name for a clothes shop" i continued
"Why don't you pop in and have a look at the clothes" she dared.
"What time do you finish today?" i said
"5.30pm and you?" she winked
"4pm" i concluded.

Its clear what is emerging here.There are a lot of people who work in this station and they are all so pressured working in this environment that they're all up for a laugh.I may visit the clothes shop next week.

I splashed out on a meal deal for lunch.A member of staff i had a run in with a while back was also problematic today.I responded very aggressively to a question and then told her to get some manners.I need to look at this behaviour.

Back with The Legend for his final hour and his latest ruse with the punters to achieve sales is that he's diabetic.
"I'm diabetic but eat more chocolate than anyone" he said to a disbelieving punter.

Another new bloke on the block and guess what? Its another Asian male and because of my 6 weeks experience the slim Indian cricketer handed him over to me and told the new bod "Watch him he is a great example of customer service skills"
Glad to see that all that money my Dad paid on school fees came to something.He reckons he's a DJ and producer and is easing his way back into the workplace afer a year out.Basically,another member of the microwave generation.He short changed a couple of punters pleading ignorance.Not so sure DJ!!

The black BBW surfaced and i like it when she arrives because she spends the first 30 minutes of her shift tidying up and preparing for battle until the end of the evening.I took interest in her driving lessons and she passed her theory test this week.She lives in Hackney and is one of those sales assistants who is rude and unhelpful who if the boot was on the other foot i would want to throttle her.

She was surprised when she found out i was married with kids.Oh no i hope she doesn't think she was in with a shout!!

The slim Indian cricketer wants to get his kid into a football coaching set up in Ilford.I happen top know a coach over there so i told him i would give him a number on Monday.
Sandy Gall bags is away for 2 weeks.

4pm home time and out into the furnace.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Shelf stacking and The Romeo

7th July 2010.4pm-10pm

An unusual shift because i arrived having already been up since 6am.This place goes from one extreme to the other.On Monday there were no staff and today there are too many.The supervisors don't even know who is working.When i was greeted by the slim Indian cricketer he was shocked to see me.

However,i was immediately summoned to cage work which is always fun when the station is packed and you have to manoeuvre it through all the people.I pretend i'm Nigel Mansell and try not to crash into elderly people with sticks.

The first duty was magazine distribution which means i can have a subtle flick through all the women's gossip magazines and read about Jordan,Jordan,Jordan and Jordan.I don't know how she does it but she must have a great team behind her to keep her in the public eye regularly.
Then the distribution of drinks into the fridge which doesn't work.The punters pay £1.65 for a bottle of warm mineral water,according to Fat Indian bird its been broken for 3 months.Rasta boy was there,i told him his codename and he took it on the chin.

The guy who claimed he wanted to see rasta boy for an interview turned up.He was a clinically obese white male of about 35 who had sweat seeping through his t shirt.
"Come to the Hilton Metropole at 7pm" he gasped.
"Ok see you there" rasta boy replied

He asked my opinion and i thought it sounded like pyramid marketing.Rasta boy doesn't even know what he's going there for.Shame but he needs a good kick up the rectum.

The rest of the evening was spent in the big unit making lists and stacking shelves.I played games with myself to see how many chocolate bars i can hold in one hand and how quickly i can fill a shelf with Kit Kat's.Absolutely mentally stimulating!!

Thank g-d for The Romeo.I had been told about this character and his way with the women punters but had never seen him in action.
He is a 30-35 year old dark skinned Frenchman with glasses and a perm.
He talks to every woman he serves and comes out with incredible lines,i believe just to make them buy TPS (till point sales).

"What shampoo and hair conditioner do you use" he asked an attractive lady in her early 30's.
After a 20 second silence caused by shock she replied "Charles Worthington"
"I thought so it makes your hair look beautiful" he responded,with a twinkle in his eye.
He didn't care whether they were fat,thin,ugly or beautiful on he went.The queue's were building because of the time it took to serve the punters.The slim Indian cricketer was getting as annoyed as he can which isn't very visible.
"Tell the romeo to stop talking and just serve" he mumbled.
"Are you playing cricket this weekend" he enquired.
"Yes,Abbotts Langley" i replied.
"I always get a 50 against the team we're playing on Sunday" he countered proudly.

Bollywood princess was on the tills all night and was immaculately attired as usual but her nail varnish was chipped.She wasn't her usual bubbly self,i think she may have depression issues and that's the reason why she pulled out of her Paramedic degree this year.She warmed up towards the end of the evening and asked me how i got on at the Arsenal interview.
10 minutes before closing time she purchased 3 giant bars of Aero and 2 bags of fizzy Haribo's.
"That's healthy" i said.
"If i could i would melt all this chocolate and pour it over my head" she answered.

So,another shift complete in this melting pot of different characters all thrown together with one common goal,to sell TPS and get no incentive for it.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Another file note.

6th July 2010.8am - 4pm

Arrived early and was greeted by The Algerian.Still don't know what to make of this bloke.However,i know that i have to be very careful because he is friendly when he wants something and a moody sod when he doesn't get his own way.Sounds like a lot of people i know.

I was given a whole unit on my own between 8am and 11am.Imagine it i've been there 5 weeks and they give me a whole unit with thousands of pounds worth of stock all to myself.
For the first time in detected friction between the King and The Algerian.The King and his trustworthy assistant came to check up on me and The Algerian happened to be there as well also checking the unit.There is no communication between the management.
The Algerian snarled at the King and his assistant when there backs were turned.Its the sort of behaviour my 5 year old son enjoys.He is just so unrefined,i don't know how he's held this job down.He is unshaven most days and is very agressive.

After 3 hours of doing hardly any work because there are no customers i was relieved of my duties by one of the ill mannered black females who don't know how to behave.This one in particular is most obnoxious and grunts rather than talks.

Back down to the usual unit and immediately felt better on seeing the French queen who had returned from Belgium.Apparently,they wouldn't let him have 2 consecutive weeks holiday because they were too busy!!
Outrageous i thought,this guy work his balls off for the PLC and they call him back early.
It was me and actor Dave on the tills before he was summoned for book work.Whe he is under pressure he makes this groaning sound under his breath and suddenly looks extremely worried.The queen told me that actor Dave still lives with his mother and if he get shome late from work she tells him off.He is scared of The Algerian and he allows himself to be abused by The Algerian.If he hasn't completed a task he will happily stay on for no overtime to avoid incurring the wrath of The Algerian.

I spotted a dark haired woman wearing a revealing top yawning in the queue.I thought this is a golden opportunity to see how far i can go.As she approached the till i opened up with,"So,you had a late night did you?"
"Yes,and i'm 2 hours late for work" she giggled
"Will you get into trouble?" i enquired.
"No,i am the boss" she said with pride.
I couldn't take my eyes off her chest, they were bursting from her low cut top and she knew i was having trouble concentrating.
"Why did you have a late night" i continued.
"I won a new client and went out to celebrate" she added.
As she walked out of the unit and walked past the window she smiled and i waved to her.Off she went into the throng.The queen was smiling next to the fridge having watched the whole scene unfold.He winked at me and asked me if i took her number and called me a player.I told him that i'm married and it's just a game.

Rasta boy arrived,he's the only one who knows what i'm doing and has started speaking in the codenames.He reckons one of the punters has arranged an informal interview with him on Thursday at 6pm because he is interested in employing him for a sales business.I gave him some advice regarding the informal interview and what questions to ask him.

Another file note from The Algerian.He asked me to sign it,i told him i only sign things i read properly.I purposely read the short document over and over again to get his back up.That's my 3rd file note in a week and he gets some kind of power trip from handing these file notes out.They dish them out like confetti.
Rasta boy reckons 3 file notes equals a disciplinary.

I made arrangemenst to meet large Indian unit at 4pm after we finish our shifts to discuss the contracts and wage issues.

Fat Indian bird arrived and wasn't sweating.We discussed the file notes and she came up with some good ideas about incentivising the staff to sell the TPS and reward them with money.Of course it will never happen.

My covert meeting with large Indian unit took place and he is cutting his own hours in protest at the wages fiasco.Unfortunately,his best mate the slim Indian cricketer,who found him the job,has shown hsi true side.He found the big unit this job but they didn't discuss the contractual situation.Needless to say they have now fallen out and won't even play in the same cricket team.That is the ultimate insult within the Asian community.

"Don't mix business with pleasure" i stated.
"What does that mean?" he enquired.

I told him and he looked crestfallen.

We talked briefly about Bollywood princess,who i noticed has started wearing

Monday, 5 July 2010

The King and I

5th July 2010.7am - 3pm

Absolute chaos.All units were supposed to have opened at 6am and at 7am they were still closed.
The poor stand in supervisor was on the concourse with 2 red cages full of newspapers and magazines but with no staff to assist.I started my shift early to help get the show on the road.

However,it meant that i had to distribute hundreds of papers and magazines.This isn't good for my dodgy neck but i had to do it.We were up against it because once you fall behind at the beginning of the day you are always playing catch up.

The story behind this chaos was the Algerian with the facial twitch called in ill.The french queen is still on holiday,the long serving Somalian has left and the depressed Algerian wasn't at work either.None of those positions had been covered.Also,the Algerian was off for 2 days.

I met the longest serving member of staff,an ageing Indian with poor English,who has been at the PLC for 20 years.That is remarkable and extremely disturbing that this bloke had no ambition but if he enjoys it then good luck to him.

It was so chaotic the King and his assistant had to fill up the fridges with sandwiches and smoothies.

Whilst on my break i decided to speak to the KIng about my concerns regarding the wages.This was instigated because the well built Indian unit,who is very friendly with the slim Indian cricketer,took me to one side in the stock room and explained a problem he has had about his wages!!

He made sure we were out of sight of the CCTV and told me that he hasn't received monies due to him.I digested this news and immediately confronted the King.

"I would like to have a discussion with you regarding the unpaid wages and my contract of employment" i began agressively.
"Kindly show me a copy of my contract" i continued.
"I am concerned about what i'm hearing from other staff regarding the flexi contracts and non payment of salaries".

"Ok firstly lets have a look at your contract" he replied very cooly with a slight West Country drawl.
"You are on a fixed term contract which expires on August 27th" he said.
"One week before that date i will write to you with our intentions going forward" he continued.

Basically,their contracts are worded so tightly that they cover every possible angle.I will constantly be working monthly in arrears.I told him i have mouths to feed and i have never worked anywhere without getting paid for the hours at the end of the month.

I have to keep this going.Actor Dave was on the circuit today,as usual i enquired about his progress in that field.He scratched his head and dishonestly told me that he had sent off CV's.

The punters weren't very receptive today probably because of my frame of mind.

What amazes me about this place is that despite the blatant lack of staff somehow the business keeps going and just about has enough stock to service their needs.They clearly keep on trimming the labour costs in order to maximize profits.They know the levels of service are poor due to lack of staff but i think the management are on incentives if they keep on increasing profits.But business is business.

3pm finish and off to the Emirates for an interview/training session.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Algerian sadness

Saturday 3rd July 2010.8am - 4pm

A glorious sunny morning as I arrived for another shift at the PLC.
Before i entered the unit I soaked up some early morning sunshine and saw the Algerian hardcore walking towards me looking depressed.

"I'm getting divorced and sending her back to Algeria,I can't stand it anymore" he muttered.
"Sorry to hear that" as i put my arm on his shoulder and consoled him.

He continued by telling me how the relationship has broken down and fortunately they don't have any kids.
I explained my experience and suggested that he sees his GP and gets a referral for some couples therapy.He was very grateful and told me he had to see the King and apologise for being late yesterday.He starts his shift at 2am!!
Greeted by yet another Asian supervisor i;m beginning to think that the employment policy is in breach of equal opportunities.Where are all the whites? Is it because the job is too menial for the microwave generation?

The first hour was spent covering breaks for the early lads and i settled into a shift at the big unit.I'm beginning to enjoy this because its such a challenge not stooping to the level of mediocrity around me.The king was in today and The Algerian was in as well.Apparently they work one weekend in 6.

The lower class Indian was with me for a couple of hours.Her English is shocking but she has developed a public school accent only for greeting the customers, "Hello" she says in a clipped accent with a hint of Frankie Howerd.

She is also a control freak who keeps on telling me what to do.I ignore her and carry on with what i do best which is sell sell sell.
The weekend punters are very friendly and i can take the piss out of them more without them noticing.I mistakenly spoke French to two seperate frauleins and they found it very amusing.

I was banking on the Bollywood Princess working today but i've got a feeling she may have left already.There are so many staff its difficult to know who will be there from one day to the next.

Once again i have been proved wrong about the sexuality of one of the staff.I took lunch whilst sitting on the steps outside the station and i bumped into white gay boy sitting with a very attractive young girl with braces on her teeth.
"This is my girlfriend xxxx" he said
"Hi pleased to meet you" i replied in shock.

Had some fun with slow boy.He is very impressed with the way i engage the punters and then suck them into buying unhealthy promotions.He reckons i've got the "gift of the gab".

One of the females offered me a free T shirt from Elle magazine for my girlfriend,i politely refused and told her that i'm married.Its very important to remain honest because it would be very busy to create an illusion in order to fulfill my fantasies.

At approximately 2pm yet another Asian boy turned up who looked like he'd stepped straight off a Noel Clarke film set.They gave him 10 minutes till training and then one of the rotund weekend supervisors threw him to the wolves and said "Any problems speak to Jerome he's experienced "
So after,5 weeks i'm now regarded as an old hand capable of imparting my considerable knowledge onto a yound Asian from Forest Gate.

The King was impressed with me today because i solved a problem with one of their promotions.The gift cards weren't being swiped correctly because of a software glitch.
"Are you manging to do the promotion" he barked.
"If we input the numbers manually it works" i replied proudly
"Good,let all the other units know that if there is a problem to input the numbers manually" he ordered.

So,do i try and get promoted and see how far i can get in the hierarchy?

Friday, 2 July 2010

Friday mayhem

2nd July 2010.8am - 4pm

Spiritually and physically refreshed after having Thursday off but another neck spasm is causing physical difficulties.

Straight into the big unit expecting to see The Legend and the Cockney scrubber.Instead greeted by slow boy and the scrubber.

"Where's the legend?" i said
"He came in yesterday and the PLC told him to have 2 days holiday" the scrubber shouted.
"You mean he doesn't request his own holiday dates?" i replied.
"That's right he only stays at home and watches TV on his days off" she responded.

Unbelievable i thought.He doesn't even arrange proper annual leave and what's more the PLC decide your leave days if you don't apply for any holiday leave.

So,slow boy was with us until 10am but he hates the tills because he is mentally slow and can't handle the pace.So,its me and the Cockney scrubber for the whole day,bring it on I thought.

Fridays are notoriously hard,weekend travellers kids on holiday and couples taking romantic trips away.The scrubber is very loud and will suddenly pass ridiculous comments whilst serving customers,"I have to go for a break slow boy was supposed to come back at 11am" she bellowed.
"It looks like its you and me today so lets get on with it" i replied.

The queues were continuous i really pushed the TPS (till point sales) even though i know that the chocolate sales would be very tough.The chewing gum and fruitellas went well especially to American girls with braces on their teeth and clinically obese women.

The Algerian was under pressure due to lack of staff.They are intentionally keeping staffing levels low to maximise profit margins even though we need more staff.
He was unshaven and sweating profusely from his brow.At one point i asked him if he was ok.He'd had a 45 minute conference call probably with head office and i could tell his head was spinning.I have to give him credit because he just keeps it going and holds it down well.A couple of days ago i found out that he is in a relationship with the black BBW whose brother died whilst she was working.Now that is a shocker.

The Algerian is about 5'4 with a beer gut and looks like an associate of Yasser Arafat.She is about 5'0 with a pair of Bristols like Tina Small (ex Sunday Sport model).Put it this way she could bury him between them.

A brief mention must be made of the other Algerians who were introduced to the PLC by The Algerian.They both do the magazines and one of them is very white for an Algerian and suffers from a disturbing tick in his face where he twists his mouth and closes his eyes when he speaks and it happens every 10 seconds.The other one who had already been discussed as the "hardcore" Algerian who always looks asleep, resembles one of the prison guards in Midnight Express.

I was flying and its becoming very obvious to me that i only talk to attractive females aged 18-45.I ignore everyone else,my French is coming along nicely and had been creating a good impression with the Madmoiselles.

Train spotting is alive and well in the UK,we do a roaring trade in the weekly train publications and the stereotypical tarin spotter is changing and younger men with ponytails are getting in on the act.
The GAY mags went very well today and some of the punters present the mags face down so as not to be outed.I always turn them over and make sure when they pay they are in full view of everyone!!

The slim Indian cricketer was in as usual and he is very calm and never gets flustered.The king spent a lot of time with him today and when he has finished with the King he always comes back in and says " Can you do me a favour i need you to do this..."

All the Asians and non English speakers always start off sentences that way.They are our superiors so why are we doing them a favour?

No sign of the Indian boss or Bollywood Princess.The cockney scrubber and i are becoming good work colleagues thanks to my outburst a while back.
Gay boy turned up for the final 2 hours and before he settled into his impressive TPS positioning i made him clear all the rubbish out because the collection hadn't occured.One of my highlights was a man with learning difficulties walk over to the till with a huge Happy Birthday badge on his lapel.I made an effort to engage with him and wished him Happy Birthday.His carer winked at me and whispered thank you.2 hours later he came back because "he loves shopping here" the carer stated.

4pm was here and i walked out into the summer heat.