Thursday, 25 November 2010

Fake accents and the albino's chat up lines.

Tuesday and Wednesday 23rd and 24th November 2010.2pm-10pm

These 2 days have paired me with the albino and the Asian DJ.I also spent some time with the black MILF,who was very perky.

On Tuesday she was wearing lots of fake bling including a pair of fake bling knuckle dusters.She starting speaking basic French to all the punters and persuaded me to speak in a range of foreign accents.It was a bizarre situation where i found myself trying Welsh,American and Australian accents.

We had a laugh but of course there will always be punters who take these events far too seriously and get stressed out and take out their frustrating lives on us.They treat us like whipping boys.

The MILF has a classic ripe black body.She is 38 and likes boxing,basketball and most music genres.She is about 5'4 with a peach shaped bum and a reasonable rack.She has started opening up but stops short at the real meat of her life which is how has she ended up being a single mother.
As usual the French women lapped up the basic French and normally turn around just as they leave the unit and smile warmly.

The albino is an interesting character.He's 31 and has been in a serious car accident for which he received a large lump of wonga as compensation.That's the reason he has the twitches.However,he tries it on with the women and will go as far as asking for phone numbers.He's been in a relationship with a Hungarian single mother for 2 years and like me has tried most things once.

The Algerian is still away and if he saw the state of the unit he would have kittens.
The shelves are half full because we can't be bothered to replenish in the usual quantities.

My health is rapidly deteriorating and i have developed a hacking cough which is more similar to a 40/day smoker aged 75.I hope that the property consultancy work that i have agreed verbally comes off otherwise they may have to carry me out of this place with an oxygen mask.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

The Albino

Monday 22nd November 2010.2pm-10pm

The temperature has plummeted inside the station and i feel that my health is getting affected.I have another wheezy cough and a snot laden nose.

As usual under the Sandy Gall shift,we gather in the staff room which is getting dirtier by the day,and she gives instructions for the forthcoming shift.

I was please to be working with the Albino because even though he could border on anti semitic he's actually up for a giggle with the ladies.One of the new Asians phoned in ill and the amount of staff taking sick leave must be above the national average.The Rotweiller has signed off for 2 weeks with a bad back which has caused a great deal of speculation.

Also,the large Pakistani unit has just returned after a week off with bed bugs.He moved into a new flat in Ilford with his wife and new born baby and they developed rashes cause by old and filthy mattresses.I gave him a quick low down on the solution which is to turn and hoover the mattress every 2 weeks.He was grateful for this.

The shift went well because we played games with each other in terms of communicating with the women.The Albino is a huge lump with an unfortunate facial tick but that doesn't stop him trying to pull the women.He thought he was in with a skinny French nanny of about 25 with long black hair.She came in with the kid,a precocious French brat,about 4 times in the space of 15 minutes.She looked slightly weird almost like Viscount Spencer's first wife who was an anorexic drug addict.

My cough was getting worse as the evening progressed but it was soothed by consuming large quantities of damaged jelly babies and chocolate buttons.I was sharing a locker with BBBW so had her handbag in my locker.I was thinking of rifling through her handbag and planting a fake mobile phone number in it to see if she responds in an affirmative manner.

Sandy Gall bags was also unwell and claimed that she vomited before her shift started.She is either stupid or a trooper,its probably a but of both.The Slovak had to take the day off because her and her flat mates had been stung by a con artist pretending to be a landlord.He took the money off them and legged it.The next they knew was when they were served an eviction notice.Its a classic case of someone who give it large but actually is very dim but nevertheless its a naughty thing to do but a very easy scam to implement.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The rebellious romeo

Tuesday 16th November 2010.2pm-10pm

Feeling raw after family mediation with HRH,lots of stuff came up from the past and i just managed to hold it down.

I had brought in enough food for two because i had promised BBBW dinner tonight.I don't know what the hell i'm doing stringing these women along.Its the fantasy that drives me on in this place.

When i was walking to my unit at the beginning of the shift i passed the MILF and she stroked my shoulder and said "Hi xxxx,how are you today?".I had a feeling this was brewing but i don't know how she hasn't found out that i'm married with kids.

Thankfully,my wish had been granted because i was working with ginger and i knew that the shift would be more enjoyable with an English speaking white boy next to me.
It appears that MILF will come into our unit every afternoon between 2.30pm and 4pm.
Unfortunately,i am always doing the replenishment so i don't spend any quality time with her.I had a much closer look today and noticed that she has started to undo her black fleece to reveal a very fine pair of good sized bristols.This fantasy thing is affecting me in a big way.On the way out of the unit she remarked "Once again i didn't get a chance to spend any time with you at work".
"That's a real shame" i replied.

We ploughed on without any dramas.The albino turned up and he is a decent bloke and has had numerous drug experiences.We discussed the possibility of an Xmas party and i had suggested to ginger that we get hold of some "mild acid" and spike people's drinks.
On second thoughts i wouldn't be able to live with myself if the cockney scrubber lost her mind and threw herself under a bus.However,we must get something arranged because it would be a great laugh and very revealing.

The romeo is taking his eye off the ball and isn't following instructions from Sandy Gall bags.He is disappearing during his shift and Gall bags is getting very angry with him.He has a cold at the moment and a huge sore under his nostrils.

BBBW was wearing a new top which was a lowcut blue number unbuttoned which showed her over ripe melons in all their glory.Its difficult to read these women or is it the fantasy which is making me believe that they want to sleep with me or is it reality.Watch this space.

Monday, 15 November 2010

BBBW is keen.

Monday 15th November 2010.2pm-10pm

Just made in time where i was greeted by the usual suspects.Sandy Gall bags handed me the schedule for the shift and off i went.

Rasta boy is back from his 2 weeks off and is more angry and resentful than ever.He hasn't heard back from 2 interviews he went to last month and is cursing at every opportunity.He can sometimes be downright rude and then moments later call male punters "boss" and female punters "darling".
However,there is no doubt about it that this job is squeezing the life out of him.He told me today that if he wasn't working he would be robbing people.He is even considering applying for a job at Tesco's just to get out of the PLC.

The black MILF worked with us for an hour and a half with her silver teeth shining in the bright spotlights.She makes a strange sound whilst waiting for a response from punters.

I dined with the young BBBW and she provocatively asked me what i did over the weekend.She has no idea i'm married with 2 kids and when i told her that i had dinner with an ex employee but nothing untoward happened,she was hooked.
I have offered to buy her dinner at work tomorrow and throughout the rest of the evening she was asking me "what are you buying me?"

Apparently,the Slovak has been promoted to a newspaper supervisor and subsequently now works in the mornings.What a sly old dog she is!!I discussed this with her last week and she told me that she wasn't interested.The albino is back on the day shifts so he will be in 6pm-10pm every night which will be a laugh.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

The sick smoker

Tuesday and Wednesday 10th/11th November 2pm-10pm

The first punter i served was a black woman of about 30 who approached the till holding her throat tightly.
"20 Marlboro Lights and a lighter please".
"Are you sure you want cigarettes with your sore throat?"
She collapsed in a fit of laughter.This sowed a seed of doubt in her brain and for a moment she considered cancelling the order but like all good nicotine addicts completed her purchase.

The romeo and i were together and were joined by a rebellious lad who will be known as The Chip.The reason for this is his prickly attitude and large potato chip on his shoulder.He has worked for the PLC for a while in different locations and the Imman's assistant has brought him back in on a 20 hour/week contract.

The romeo is an interesting character because he has the corniest lines i have ever heard from any man anywhere in the world.Here is a sample:

"Can i ask you a question?"
"What conditioner do you use?"
"Excuse me do you wear contact lenses?"
Lady replies "no" romeo replies "your eyes are beautiful".

The irony of all this is that he maybe a homo sexual.He is single and this flirtacious could be a cover for his rampant homosexuality but i'll keep you posted on this.

The phone rang and it was the Imman's assistant."Send the chip to come and see me please" she asked.
I knew immediately there was a problem.The Chip went to the main unit and never returned.About 20 minutes later he returned to say his goodbye's.He had been sacked for not putting his mobile and travel card in his locker.Apparently,on Monday night he was searched by the long streak of piss and they found his phone and travel card on his person.
They still made him come to work the next day and toasted him,bloody ruthless.

Anyway,life goes on and it was a warning shot by the management just to show us who runs this show.

A pleasant Estonian appeared and i mistook her for a French hottie.Then she asked for a phone top up and i got that wrong as well.Then she asked for some help with her phone top up and i got that wrong again.However,i cheekily asked her if she would pay me a visit,she declined.

I dined with BBBW and she only eats bagels.She is a bit frisky and like all big breasted well built women is up for a some fun and games.My experience with large breasted women has taught me that they are very willing and grateful when they get an offer they can't refuse.

Slovak was a bit quiet and i think she is getting rogered on a regular basis.Her facial glow has returned and she is weird looking.Apart from her great rack there isn't anything else to her apart from the Sarah Palin glasses thing going on.

Sandy Gall bags is the most hardworking woman i have ever worked with.She was hoovering and cleaning one of the units on her own and didn't even look tired.

Monday, 8 November 2010


Monday 8th November 2010.2pm-10pm

I'm enjoying these evening shifts because i don't have the Algerian hovering over me and the women staff are more interesting.

The BBBW is about 20 years old and about to complete a degree in social work.However,i have to be careful not to lead her down the garden path.The Slovak has exczma on her thumb which is incredibly off putting and wears a pair of black trousers which are frayed at the bottoms.I told her that the trousers aren't acceptable and she promised me she would wear her new pair tomorrow.

Anyway,back to the BBBW.I had a good look at her today and just like most large girls if she lost 2 stone she would be highly desirable but i don't care about that.
Her Bristols are very large and resemble a couple of overweight water melons.

I took her into the loading bay today and gave her a guided tour of the recycling bins and showed her how to dispose of the rubbish.She asked me what would happen if she got locked into the loading bay.I told her i would save her!!

2 hours later i was completing a replenishment in the stock room and she appeared from nowhere and smiled shyly.
"Are you stalking me?" i asked.
"Do you want me to?" she ventured.

I thought she had left the stock room so i started talking to myself when she appeared again and said "Did you know its the first sign of madness?"
"Yes,i'm fully aware thank you,do you want to give me a hand getting the Liquorice allsorts off the top shelf?" i continued.
"I'm actually looking for some peanuts could you help me?" she requested.
"Certainly" we both crouched down as i showed her the peanut shelf and as i left the stock room i looked back and saw her squatting with her shapely booty hugging her tight black trousers.It definitely helped pass the time of day.

The romeo was on top form as usual with constant female giggling coming from his till.
The Slovak arrived at 9pm to do the sandwich and juice count and apart from her impressive breasts she hasn't got much else going for her.

Sandy Gall bags closed the shop as usual and apparently she lived on the Costa Brava for 19 years and came back to the UK in 2007 when the Spanish economy dived.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

The comedian.

Tuesday 2nd November 2010.2pm-10pm

Afther the family mediation session with HRH i found myself arriving early for work when i bumped into the Slovak.She was having a pre-shift cigarette and coffee.It was an ideal opportunity to delve into her life and find out what makes her tick.

She is a smart girl and hardworking and knows that she is wasting her time at the PLC.Her ambition is to go into childcare.

When i arrive Sandy Gall bags gives me an hour by hour schedule which i attempt to follow by the minute but of course you can't legislate for incidents that crop up.
The romeo was with me again and a round Muslim girl in full regalia.

I undertook some serious manual labour today which involved 2 replenishments and shlepping huge boxes of sweets and drinks.

Towards the end of the day a flighty blonde approached the till.She was about 35 with a reasonable complexion but oozing sexual awareness.It was time to strike.

"10 Marlboro Lights and a lighter please" she said
"Do you want a red one because i reckon its your favourite colour" i replied.
"Actually my favourite colour is purple" she retorted
By now she was hooked in and there was a queue building.The romeo was counting the unsold papers but watching the situation unfold.
"Why did you think that red was my favourite coulour" she teased.
"Your nail varnish and purse are red,is there anything else that you have on that is red" i pushed.
"You are very funny babe has it been a long day?" she enquired.
"My shift is nearly over and i like to analyse beautiful women like you"
"Wow,it sounds like you have fun here babe,where do you live?" she ventured.
"Not far away,what are you upto now?" i asked
"Going outside to have a fag babe"
"Have you ever thought of being a comedian babe you remind me of Jack Dee?" she gushed.

Then,as usual the queue caused the conversation to finish and she walked off into the night smiling.I wonder if she will be back tomorrow.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Return to work

Monday 1st November 2010.2pm-10pm.

I have returned to work today after a week in a freezing cold run down cottage in the middle of Suffolk.We all came back ill and i have foolishly decided to come to work.
These will be my new hours on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesdays only.One of the reasons i have gone for these new hours is to check out the Slovak sex bomb in a bit more detail.
Of course,in my absence some new staff have appeared.We have Sandy Gall bags,Slovak sex bomb,the asian DJ,new BBBW,Indian stiff and the romeo.
BBBW is big breasted black woman who is large but not that large if you know what i mean!!
The Indian stiff was wearing a shirt and tie and has been there 2 weeks.It was the Slovak's birthday today and she had nothing planned for after work and Sandy Gall bag's had bought her a gift and card.They are a bit like mother and daughter.Basically,if you want to get to the Slovak then you have to get past the dog leaving saddo that is Sandy Gall bags.

I was working with the romeo which i knew would be fun but at the same time frustrating because his command of the English language is moderate.We lacked the spark we had in the summer probably because all the women are covered up but i have made a decision to hammer the TPS because Sandy is very strict on those things.

Everyone made we feel welcome after my week away and i think the black MILF reckons i'm unattached because she spoke to me more today than she has done in the previous 5 months.

The rotweiller called me in for a chat about general till performance and i signed another famous sheet incriminating me.I take him with a pinch of salt because he really is deluded that boy.He thinks he's management already but i admire his bullshit and enthusiasm for the retail industry.

The evening shifts are manic until about 8.30pm.The Slovak came round ordering us about and i have noticed she has a funny walk.She could be bow legged and is also very excitable.

The TPS went well and i am interested to see what results i score in the premier league table.BBBW travels in from Canning Town and appears very pleasant but is regretting the travelling time to and from work.
I had a coughing fit whilst dealing with a large queue of punters which was very embarassing.I took my break and composed myself.The romeo was very concerned and kept on saying "OOOh la la" in his french tone.

I was thinking about asking the Slovak out for a birthday drink but my instinct told me that would be completely wrong.