Friday 31st July 2010.6am-2pm
On the back of 5 hours sleep it was once more unto the breach my dear friends.
The Algerian was coming in later which means that we could get on with soild hard graft without the pocket battleship treating us like infants.
The DJ had started at 5am and was distributing the newspapers.I opened the unit on time at 6am.The Sri Lankan night supervisor who starts at 2am called at 6.20am to check up and said "I can always rely on you to get the shop open".
I felt a great sense of pride.Friday's are always very busy especially the early trains and once again i was taking the piss out of the bleary eyed punters who didn't know waht day it was.
My performance has been very poor on the TPS recently which is down to the fact that they can't actually sack you for poor TPS.They could choose to terminate the contract after the probationary period but i have a fixed term contract.
I was joined at 7am by the female Pakistani Terry Thomas.This is the lady who has created a fake Terry Thomas style "Hello" to engage the punters and she was attempting her usual angle which is forcing punters to move chocolate brands.For example if someone brings a Snickers Duo to the till she will try and move thme onto the TPS chocolate on that day.It rarely works.
She is ok and likes to work in a tidy manner.We overhauled the entire unit and threw away lots of items that lazy members of staff have just shoved in cupboards.It amazes me that 90% of the staff don't have any pride in the workplace but we did a damn fine job today.The stock cupboards were emptied and we felt better about ourselves.We also had a "find" which we exchanged at a local Bureau de Change.It made the day taste more sweet.
Terry Thomas is married with 1 kid and suffers from anaemia.Apparently,she collapsed on the shop floor last week and the PLC had no procedures in place.She has tried to get a "sick note" from her GP but because the anaemia is a long standing condition she couldn't get a letter.I suggested that maybe this isn't a suitable job what about a till job at Tesco's or Sainsbury's but her reply was, "I'm scared to leave this job in case i can't get another one" with a resigned look on her face.
The flat chested blonde appeared,i hadn't seen her for a few days,"Its unusual to see you in this unit,are you following me around" i ventured
"Its funny isn't it maybe its fate" she replied suggestively.
"Are you working the weekend?" she continued
"I'm working a late tomorrow night" i answered
"That's not too bad,but a 10pm finish may affect your Saturday night out" she purred.
Little does she know that i haven't been out on a Saturday night for years because i'm married with 2 young sprogs.
Terry Thomas and I knocked actor Dave into shape by getting him to do a pick and mix so by the time the Algerian arrived the unit was in good shape.He doesn't look well and still reckons he's going to join my football team and lose weight in a boot camp.He's deluded,which is probably from working here too long.
It was pay day and i got my hours from the previous month so it was a reasonable amount and i recieved a tax rebate from last month.Slow boy had a spring in his step because he received 4 months worth of tax rebate which he had been talking about every day since i started work at the PLC.Fat Indian bird also received her rebate but is worried because her payslip refers to her as Mrs not Miss.
The TPS went ok because on Friday's women treat themselves to unhealthy food because its the weekend.I clocked this and used it as a selling angle when comunicating with well heeled business women.
We also have something called "bounceback" vouchers which are discounted vouchers that companies pay the PLC to distribute to customers at the till.We are marked on this because the vouchers are scanned and given to all customers.I achieved 100% on Thursday,anything lower than 97% is considered a failure.
Another shift complete and onwards to tomorrow.
Sany Gall bags
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Flatulence
Thursday 29th July 2010.6pm - 9pm
As soon as i arrived the phone went at the big unit,it was Sandy Gall bags,"Firstly,will you stay until 10pm" she asked
"No,you guys still owe me 90 hours of wages so i won't work an extra hour tonight" i replied.
She was disappointed but i can't go the extra mile for the PLC because of the way they treat their staff.
I worked with the Romeo for a while but he was strangely subdued tonight.There were some interesting career women on their way home after long days in the office.
I chose my own hours for the next 2 weeks which are very covenient and fit well into the family timetable.
Reporting for duty at 6am tomorrow.
As soon as i arrived the phone went at the big unit,it was Sandy Gall bags,"Firstly,will you stay until 10pm" she asked
"No,you guys still owe me 90 hours of wages so i won't work an extra hour tonight" i replied.
She was disappointed but i can't go the extra mile for the PLC because of the way they treat their staff.
I worked with the Romeo for a while but he was strangely subdued tonight.There were some interesting career women on their way home after long days in the office.
I chose my own hours for the next 2 weeks which are very covenient and fit well into the family timetable.
Reporting for duty at 6am tomorrow.
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Relentless
Wednesday 28th July 2010.6am - 2pm
Chaotic scenes this morning.Due to the shortage of bodies one of the units couldn't open on time.
There is a middle aged woman from head office who undertakes random checks to ensure the business is functioning properly.She wasn't pleased when the unit in question opened late.The Algerian bore the brunt of her anger and for the first time he had a resigned look on his face.The look of someone who is unhappy but can't find a way out.
The first 2 hours are always very busy with all the first train punters hoovering up newspapers and chewing gum.One of the pet hates of the employees is when an irate punter gets so fed up with the queues they slap the money on the counter and walk out with their paper.This means we can't scan in the newspapers which has far reaching consequences when the returns take place.
However,i learnt something from the French queen today.He uses the money from papers to set up fake TPS purchases.So if someone leaves £2 on the counter and walks out that is 2 TPS sales which will go down nicely on the league tables.
I was relieved at 10am by the Albino Algerian with the facial tick and sent to the big unit where i was welcomed by the Cockney scrubber.En route to the big unit i attempted to wheel 2 huge cages through the concourse at the same time.I pretended i was Nigel Mansell again and made it safely.
Wednesdays is book day so the Cockney scrubber is obsessed.I took my usual berth on the tills and when it became too busy for me i would shout for help from my new best friend,the Cockney scrubber.She is all nervous energy and makes lots of basic mistakes.She couldn't work out half of £11 so i told her and she blamed it on tiredness,more like no grey matter.
Even though the King is still on annual leave i saw him pop in for a short while today wearing stonewash jeans and a beige creased shirt.How pathetic is that? Coming into work on his holiday.Maybe his assistant had a probelm she couldn't deal with.
There is a new woman in the cash office and she has a weight problem.I felt sorry for her because the rotweiller and the other 2 who work in the cash office are on leave at the same time which means she has been thrown to the wolves but she held it all together quite well.
I am starting to make friends with the Boots crew who wear white tops with blue braiding.One of them appears to be Eastern Bloc and the other one is Scottish who likes Sudoku books.Neither of them are oil paintings but pleasant introverted individuals.
The combination of the early starts and the relentless pace of the job are exhausting.I haven't worked these hours since i was a commis waiter at the Herman Goring back in the early 90's and i was a lot younger.I admire the guys who work these early shifts 5 days a week and have done it for years.The physical scars are plain to see,symptoms are bloodshot eyes,jaded facial skin and well worn hands.
The day flew by.Rasta boy's mum is following the diary and apparently likes it.
Chaotic scenes this morning.Due to the shortage of bodies one of the units couldn't open on time.
There is a middle aged woman from head office who undertakes random checks to ensure the business is functioning properly.She wasn't pleased when the unit in question opened late.The Algerian bore the brunt of her anger and for the first time he had a resigned look on his face.The look of someone who is unhappy but can't find a way out.
The first 2 hours are always very busy with all the first train punters hoovering up newspapers and chewing gum.One of the pet hates of the employees is when an irate punter gets so fed up with the queues they slap the money on the counter and walk out with their paper.This means we can't scan in the newspapers which has far reaching consequences when the returns take place.
However,i learnt something from the French queen today.He uses the money from papers to set up fake TPS purchases.So if someone leaves £2 on the counter and walks out that is 2 TPS sales which will go down nicely on the league tables.
I was relieved at 10am by the Albino Algerian with the facial tick and sent to the big unit where i was welcomed by the Cockney scrubber.En route to the big unit i attempted to wheel 2 huge cages through the concourse at the same time.I pretended i was Nigel Mansell again and made it safely.
Wednesdays is book day so the Cockney scrubber is obsessed.I took my usual berth on the tills and when it became too busy for me i would shout for help from my new best friend,the Cockney scrubber.She is all nervous energy and makes lots of basic mistakes.She couldn't work out half of £11 so i told her and she blamed it on tiredness,more like no grey matter.
Even though the King is still on annual leave i saw him pop in for a short while today wearing stonewash jeans and a beige creased shirt.How pathetic is that? Coming into work on his holiday.Maybe his assistant had a probelm she couldn't deal with.
There is a new woman in the cash office and she has a weight problem.I felt sorry for her because the rotweiller and the other 2 who work in the cash office are on leave at the same time which means she has been thrown to the wolves but she held it all together quite well.
I am starting to make friends with the Boots crew who wear white tops with blue braiding.One of them appears to be Eastern Bloc and the other one is Scottish who likes Sudoku books.Neither of them are oil paintings but pleasant introverted individuals.
The combination of the early starts and the relentless pace of the job are exhausting.I haven't worked these hours since i was a commis waiter at the Herman Goring back in the early 90's and i was a lot younger.I admire the guys who work these early shifts 5 days a week and have done it for years.The physical scars are plain to see,symptoms are bloodshot eyes,jaded facial skin and well worn hands.
The day flew by.Rasta boy's mum is following the diary and apparently likes it.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Seb Coe and Boris Johnson
Tuesday 27th July 2010.6am-2pm
At last back to work with a real shift.A brisk 30 minute walk to work on a pleasant summer's morning in the sprawling metropolis.
In the staff room was a fringe member of the Pakistani mafia looking unwell.I asked him if he was ok and he said he was suffering from a heavy cold.He also has a pair of woollen gloves like the French queen does.These are clearly a standard requirement for cage duties.
I was sent to my home unit,the one where i cut my teeth and learnt the trade from some of the best operators in the business.Normally,there would be 3 of us in there until at least 1pm.
It was the French queen and myself.He is good fun and is definitely not gay.He met a 21 year old Cameroonian girl whilst on holiday recently and he is 38 years old.
There had been lots of activity in the station with high profile security and hundreds of people with branded T shirts.
Today was a special day because its 2 years until the Olympic opening ceremony and we had the privilege of being the site of the first official London 2012 shop in the UK.The big names arrived and the crowds gathered,the press pack was cosmopolitan with journalists from all over the world.
Being the closest retail unit to the main event it was chaotic all morning.It was interesting speaking to a representative from the biggest junk food pusher in the world.They really believe that they are untouchable and without their cash there would be no London Olympics.
I just can't understand how the two can work together.One is trying to promote sport for all and the other is selling junk food.The Algerian was supervising us as usual because he's always on the early shifts.
I remarked how tired he looked and he hadn't got to sleep until 1am for a 5am start.He was unshaven,podgy and with a slight jaundice colour to his Algerian cheeks.
We battled on with the occasional assistance from actor Dave who was gormless as usual.Everyone just uses him as a runner.At one stage the French queen had him running upstairs to get some London maps for a middle aged ugly French madam who had already bought an A-Z.He came back with the wrong maps.I feel sorry for the actor because he is seriously gormless and doesn't know when people are abusing him.
I didn't have a break until midday and by then I was Hank Marvin.The Boots meal deal soothed my hunger and i am now becoming well known by the predominately Asian staff at Boots.
I spent the last hour in the big unit with the Cockney scrubber who was feeling the pressure.She was livid when the troubleshooter told her to get on a till during a busy period.
In her usual uncouth manner she started mouthing off whilst serving customers and talking to me at the same time,"He's got a bloody cheek asking me to get on a till whilst i was doing the books" she shouted.
"He saw the queue,why didn't he get on a till" she continued loudly.This is all taking place with a huge snake of a queue in front of us with the punters looking at their watches.
At 2pm it's the big change over.All the early birds clock off and the new shift members appear.Sandy Gall bags was there and she told me briefly about her caravan holiday in Mercia Island near Colchester.The slim Indian cricketer was being slippery and the Noel Clarke extra was starting a shift complaining of food poisoning courtesy of a "rogue take away in Manor Park".
Same shift tomorrow,bring it on.
At last back to work with a real shift.A brisk 30 minute walk to work on a pleasant summer's morning in the sprawling metropolis.
In the staff room was a fringe member of the Pakistani mafia looking unwell.I asked him if he was ok and he said he was suffering from a heavy cold.He also has a pair of woollen gloves like the French queen does.These are clearly a standard requirement for cage duties.
I was sent to my home unit,the one where i cut my teeth and learnt the trade from some of the best operators in the business.Normally,there would be 3 of us in there until at least 1pm.
It was the French queen and myself.He is good fun and is definitely not gay.He met a 21 year old Cameroonian girl whilst on holiday recently and he is 38 years old.
There had been lots of activity in the station with high profile security and hundreds of people with branded T shirts.
Today was a special day because its 2 years until the Olympic opening ceremony and we had the privilege of being the site of the first official London 2012 shop in the UK.The big names arrived and the crowds gathered,the press pack was cosmopolitan with journalists from all over the world.
Being the closest retail unit to the main event it was chaotic all morning.It was interesting speaking to a representative from the biggest junk food pusher in the world.They really believe that they are untouchable and without their cash there would be no London Olympics.
I just can't understand how the two can work together.One is trying to promote sport for all and the other is selling junk food.The Algerian was supervising us as usual because he's always on the early shifts.
I remarked how tired he looked and he hadn't got to sleep until 1am for a 5am start.He was unshaven,podgy and with a slight jaundice colour to his Algerian cheeks.
We battled on with the occasional assistance from actor Dave who was gormless as usual.Everyone just uses him as a runner.At one stage the French queen had him running upstairs to get some London maps for a middle aged ugly French madam who had already bought an A-Z.He came back with the wrong maps.I feel sorry for the actor because he is seriously gormless and doesn't know when people are abusing him.
I didn't have a break until midday and by then I was Hank Marvin.The Boots meal deal soothed my hunger and i am now becoming well known by the predominately Asian staff at Boots.
I spent the last hour in the big unit with the Cockney scrubber who was feeling the pressure.She was livid when the troubleshooter told her to get on a till during a busy period.
In her usual uncouth manner she started mouthing off whilst serving customers and talking to me at the same time,"He's got a bloody cheek asking me to get on a till whilst i was doing the books" she shouted.
"He saw the queue,why didn't he get on a till" she continued loudly.This is all taking place with a huge snake of a queue in front of us with the punters looking at their watches.
At 2pm it's the big change over.All the early birds clock off and the new shift members appear.Sandy Gall bags was there and she told me briefly about her caravan holiday in Mercia Island near Colchester.The slim Indian cricketer was being slippery and the Noel Clarke extra was starting a shift complaining of food poisoning courtesy of a "rogue take away in Manor Park".
Same shift tomorrow,bring it on.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Whoopi Goldberg and The Pakistani Mafia
Saturday 24th July 2010.2pm-10pm
Thursday and Friday off due to cut backs.
Physically i was under the weather after picking up some kind of bug from a fish and chip restaurant in Soho.I knew when they told me the fish is cooked in duck fat and palm oil that i was taking a risk.
I hadn't eaten properly all day when i arrived in the staff room to be greeted by the weekend Pakistani Mafia.
They comprise the troubleshooter,the anorexic Pakistani graduate and the 2 weekend supervisors of which one has a voice like a woman and is the same height as Napoleon Bonaparte.
I was summoned to the big unit and it worked out very well because i worked with Whoopi Goldberg.She is a slim black lady with dreadlocks but an unbelievable set of gnashers which resemble a horse.I'd seen her around but had never worked with her.
She is a player.Her communication with the punters is impressive and her levels of service are excellent.In fact the best employee i have met.It took a while to undersatnd her sense of humour but we settled in well.Working with new employees for the first time is a bit like going on a blind date.You just don't know if you will get on with them.
I had to sign 2 more disclaimers.One regarding taking time off for sickness and one for handing out bounceback vouchers.I noticed Thursday's TPS results and 17 out of 22 staff failed to make the target.The Algerian had written in big letters in writing like a child "VERY BAD RESULTS" highlighted in pink.
Napoleon drew my attention to this even though i wasn't working.I suggested to him that its no coincidence that nearly everyone failed to reach the target.If there were incentives this wouldn't happen.Quite simply no-one can be bothered to sell.
Whoopi is a 3 year veteran of the company and knows every angle possible.She works part time in a branch of the PLC at a major London hospital.Even though we may not enjoy what we do its important to maintain standards amidst the mediocrity.
At around 6pm there were some loud noises and laughing emmanating from the staff room.Whoopi heard this and looked at me aggressively.She primed herself for action and said,"Lets sort these idiots out".
She stormed into the staff room and allegedly told them to keep quiet and do some work.When i told her that i call them the "Pakistani Mafia" she laughed uncontrollably and showed her full set of horse teeth.
One punter asked me for a receipt for a purchase of one newspaper and when i told him we don't give receipts as standard practice he said "Its normal,its normal".
Whoopi was fuming at this behaviour it tapped into something inside her,probably irritability, restlessness and discontentment.She hates people who ask for receipts when making small purchases.
I managed to hold down a Cheddar ploughman's sandwich and soldiered on until 10pm.The final 2 hours were on my own but my usual banter was missing because of the illnesss and the spiritual malady.Somalian security is back and we get on well because he likes talking to me about football coaching and tactics.It can be difficult to understand him because of his weak English but he's a decent bloke just making the best of it and providing for his family.
2 more days off and then a week of early shifts beckons.
Thursday and Friday off due to cut backs.
Physically i was under the weather after picking up some kind of bug from a fish and chip restaurant in Soho.I knew when they told me the fish is cooked in duck fat and palm oil that i was taking a risk.
I hadn't eaten properly all day when i arrived in the staff room to be greeted by the weekend Pakistani Mafia.
They comprise the troubleshooter,the anorexic Pakistani graduate and the 2 weekend supervisors of which one has a voice like a woman and is the same height as Napoleon Bonaparte.
I was summoned to the big unit and it worked out very well because i worked with Whoopi Goldberg.She is a slim black lady with dreadlocks but an unbelievable set of gnashers which resemble a horse.I'd seen her around but had never worked with her.
She is a player.Her communication with the punters is impressive and her levels of service are excellent.In fact the best employee i have met.It took a while to undersatnd her sense of humour but we settled in well.Working with new employees for the first time is a bit like going on a blind date.You just don't know if you will get on with them.
I had to sign 2 more disclaimers.One regarding taking time off for sickness and one for handing out bounceback vouchers.I noticed Thursday's TPS results and 17 out of 22 staff failed to make the target.The Algerian had written in big letters in writing like a child "VERY BAD RESULTS" highlighted in pink.
Napoleon drew my attention to this even though i wasn't working.I suggested to him that its no coincidence that nearly everyone failed to reach the target.If there were incentives this wouldn't happen.Quite simply no-one can be bothered to sell.
Whoopi is a 3 year veteran of the company and knows every angle possible.She works part time in a branch of the PLC at a major London hospital.Even though we may not enjoy what we do its important to maintain standards amidst the mediocrity.
At around 6pm there were some loud noises and laughing emmanating from the staff room.Whoopi heard this and looked at me aggressively.She primed herself for action and said,"Lets sort these idiots out".
She stormed into the staff room and allegedly told them to keep quiet and do some work.When i told her that i call them the "Pakistani Mafia" she laughed uncontrollably and showed her full set of horse teeth.
One punter asked me for a receipt for a purchase of one newspaper and when i told him we don't give receipts as standard practice he said "Its normal,its normal".
Whoopi was fuming at this behaviour it tapped into something inside her,probably irritability, restlessness and discontentment.She hates people who ask for receipts when making small purchases.
I managed to hold down a Cheddar ploughman's sandwich and soldiered on until 10pm.The final 2 hours were on my own but my usual banter was missing because of the illnesss and the spiritual malady.Somalian security is back and we get on well because he likes talking to me about football coaching and tactics.It can be difficult to understand him because of his weak English but he's a decent bloke just making the best of it and providing for his family.
2 more days off and then a week of early shifts beckons.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Boring
Wednesday 21st July 2010.8am-12pm
Once again a short shift which is really affecting me.Even though next week its back to normal i don't feel a part of this place.
Shunted to the small unit and finally spent some time with the woman i was rude to the other week.
She doesn't say much probably has nothing of interest in her life.However,she has been working here 30 hours a week for 3 years which is comendable in some way.
Her big job today is changing the books over.The Algerian deposits 3 skips of new paperbacks into the unit with a chart list and some "Buy 1 get 1 half price stickers" and away she goes.
In the mean time i man the till and distribute stock from the cage all at the same time.I am off the next 2 days so i can finally start my next project about the Cape Town underworld.
Once again a short shift which is really affecting me.Even though next week its back to normal i don't feel a part of this place.
Shunted to the small unit and finally spent some time with the woman i was rude to the other week.
She doesn't say much probably has nothing of interest in her life.However,she has been working here 30 hours a week for 3 years which is comendable in some way.
Her big job today is changing the books over.The Algerian deposits 3 skips of new paperbacks into the unit with a chart list and some "Buy 1 get 1 half price stickers" and away she goes.
In the mean time i man the till and distribute stock from the cage all at the same time.I am off the next 2 days so i can finally start my next project about the Cape Town underworld.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
The White Algerian
Tuesday 20th July 2010.8am-12pm
Its my first day of the week at work and because of the severe reduction of hours,the wind has been taken out of my sails.
The Algerian,who was supervising all units on his own,sent me to the small unit which is like being sent to detention.
Nothing happens and when it does its a 10 minute flurry of activity.I didn't bother with TPS because there's no point.I don't benefit financially only the King and his assistant will.I was already planning what to say to the King's assistant about the hours when the Algerian summoned me to my usual berth.
I would be working with the white Algerian who has severe facial ticks.He is a player and has allegedly taken phone numbers from unattached female punters,who admittedly must be desperate.We analysed every nationality of punter and discussed the chances of "pulling" one of them.We both agreed that French women are comfortable
with their sexuality and American girls are the most gullible.
He reads The Sun newspaper whilst waiting for punters and is a decent bloke.
Nothing eventful happened on the tills so at midday I asked for an audience with the King's assistant.
She is the most ruthless woman in business that i have ever dealt with and in property i dealt with a few hard nosed females.To survive in retail management as a woman you've got to have big cahunas.
I confronted her about the reduction in hours and she swatted me away like a school child in Year 1.She quoted the terms of the contract and I countered with "i have mouths to feed and will this be the position for the rest of the summer?"
"We will give you as many hours as we can depending on costings and availability of shifts" she said.
I requested next weeks hours and its back to 30 hours but i can see i'm in for a rollercoaster ride for the next few weeks.
Its my first day of the week at work and because of the severe reduction of hours,the wind has been taken out of my sails.
The Algerian,who was supervising all units on his own,sent me to the small unit which is like being sent to detention.
Nothing happens and when it does its a 10 minute flurry of activity.I didn't bother with TPS because there's no point.I don't benefit financially only the King and his assistant will.I was already planning what to say to the King's assistant about the hours when the Algerian summoned me to my usual berth.
I would be working with the white Algerian who has severe facial ticks.He is a player and has allegedly taken phone numbers from unattached female punters,who admittedly must be desperate.We analysed every nationality of punter and discussed the chances of "pulling" one of them.We both agreed that French women are comfortable
with their sexuality and American girls are the most gullible.
He reads The Sun newspaper whilst waiting for punters and is a decent bloke.
Nothing eventful happened on the tills so at midday I asked for an audience with the King's assistant.
She is the most ruthless woman in business that i have ever dealt with and in property i dealt with a few hard nosed females.To survive in retail management as a woman you've got to have big cahunas.
I confronted her about the reduction in hours and she swatted me away like a school child in Year 1.She quoted the terms of the contract and I countered with "i have mouths to feed and will this be the position for the rest of the summer?"
"We will give you as many hours as we can depending on costings and availability of shifts" she said.
I requested next weeks hours and its back to 30 hours but i can see i'm in for a rollercoaster ride for the next few weeks.
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