Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The aftermath of Jihad

Wednesday 29th September 2010.6am-12pm

We were mob handed this morning and its very noticeable how all the staff are more relaxed in the Algerian's absence.The job is still being done properly but with a smile on our faces.

The queen has assumed the mantle of stand in supervisor and is revelling in his new found responsibility.I was the thicko's again but i suppose i can just about stomach it.

Since the king has left,his ex-assistant has made herself scarce.I haven't seen her on any of the shop floors,she has gone underground.I assume she must be getting all the paperwork in order before the new man arrives next Monday.

The rumours are still flying around about the new Muslim manager and basically they are all negative and apparently he is a complete bastard.I'm looking forward to it.

I let off some excess resentment about yesterday's show down with the rotweiller and totally ignored him when he walked past me today.This clique is doing my swede in and i am going to try and infiltrate it.I know i'm the wrong colour and religion but i need to see for myself if they are racist bigots.

The action on the floor was ok and there were the usual mixture of weird and wondeful punters.There was a punter who refused to pay the 1p charge for a plastic bag and left all his proposed purchase on the till and stormed off.The Yanks are the most friendly and the Daily Mail readers are the most surly.

The FT readers can be imposing and the gossip readers are always the same.Dressed in Topshop clobber and heavily made up.I played another joke on the actor which he fell for.He is a closet racist and i am now finding out more about his family background.

His father is Srbian and was a chef at the North Middlesex Hospital for 15 years until he developed arthritis.His Mum is a fiery Scot who works in retail on Oxford Street and the punchline is that he is an only child like myself.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Tuesday 28th September 2010.6am-12pm

The Algerian is away this week and i felt the release of pressure that was evident in his absence.

As usual i was paired with the actor,the queen and slow Somalian.The queen,due to his longevity at the PLC,was running the show and trying to organise breaks and tasks.He did ok but required my input when it came to specifics.

The highlight of the day was having a set to with the rotweiller.Word is going around that the new manager is a complete bastard,but because he's from Bangladesh and a Muslim,the fellow brothers are feeling comfortable.The non-Muslims need to be vigilant.

There has been an ongoing problem with the tills.They very rarely have all elements working at the same time and recently the till drawers haven't been opening at all.Basically,we can serve a punter and take their cash and the till won't open so we can't give them change.Its a ridiculous situation and embarrasing for the sales assistants.The actor has been the victim this week and is made to look even more stupid than normal when his till doesn't open.I arrive for work slightly early in order to claim the best till,this is what it's come to!!

Engineers have been called out and last week i spent 30 minutes following instructions on the phone whilst crouching on a filthy floor fiddling with wires.

3 Muslims strode into the unit at approximately 11am,they were the rotweiller,the slim Indian cricketer and the Sri Lankan night supervisor.They walked in like they owned the place.I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to raise the till situation again.

I summoned the rotweiller to the counter and said,"There is another problem with the till,what's going on?"
"The fault has been reported" he added.
"According to the engineer i spoke to last week,no-one has reported any faults since April" i continued.I was buzzing and spoiling for a confrontation.
"They are talking bull shit" he said defensively.
"Its your word against there's and if you think i'm going to crawl around on the floor dealing with your issues then forget it" i retorted.
"You have to do that" he ventured.
"According to who? You or the management" i snapped.
In a state of bewilderment all he could offer was "the parts have been ordered".
"Why didn't you tell us,we're very busy at the front line and quite frankly the situation is a joke" i said.
"We haven't got time to tell you these things" he replied.

That was that,off he trotted with the Muslim mafia and i would stake a months wages on him slagging off the "white boy" to the clique.

I felt empowered because these Muslim's think they own the place and i will not back down.Slow boy witnessed the incident and said"well done,i could never stand up for myself like that".

Roll on Thursay when i have a meeting with a major player in the old career who called out of the blue after 18 months.I need to get out of this place before there is a Holy War.

Monday, 27 September 2010

First day of the new regime...

Monday 27th September 2010.6am-12pm

The mornings are getting colder and darker.The 5.24am from Swiss Cottage is very reliable and there is a regular crew on the bus at that time of day.Presumably,most of them are like me,shift workers.

It was supposed to be the first day of the new manager but the Algerian informed me that he won't be starting until next week.
The good news is that the Algerian is going to Paris tomorrow for 5 days to stay with some Algerian terrorists.

It was the queen and the actor for the duration of the shift.I felt very relaxed today because this job is just so bloody easy.
The English girl with French glamour appeared after a 2 month absence.She's been working nights for a while,we exchanged pleasantries and she went on her way.

I was bored so i played a trick on the actor.We have a policy where you are only allowed to keep £5 notes and 4 x £10 notes in the till.If there are any other notes in the till the mangagement can serve a disciplinary on the staff.The actor always leaves his till overflowing with readies.

I told him that there is a massive clampdown on till management and if they find you with the incorrect number of £10 in the till then they will give you a warning.He fell for it hook,line and sinker.He made his usual "aaaarrrr" noises and enquired as to whom can give the warnings.
I suggested he clears the till out asap because the Algerian is on the war path.Immediately,he distributed the excess wonga into the counter cash boxes under every till.

I didn't have a break today because the scheduling was disorganised.I have made a note and will let the king's assistant know.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Police State and The King is dead....

Monday 20th September - Friday 24th September 2010.

It was an intriguing week with lots of changes and one very disturbing scene.
The previous week i had been bed bound with a case of "man flu".The night sweats were savage and at times i felt like i was in Dahab lying on a flea ridden mattress with mosquitos buzzing around my head looking for my blood.

There have been numerous contract discussions with the King's assistant and so far they have proved fruitless.
She has offered me night hours because she claims these are the only permanent shifts available even though there are never enough staff.

I have impose a deadline of 2nd week of October to get this sorted or i will move on from this depressing establishment.

Monday was uneventful at work just the usual grind and the pleasure of working with the 3 thickest members of the organisation namely:Slow boy,the actor,and the brain dead Somalian.

The Cockney scrubber and the Legend have been notified of disciplinary hearings due to consistently poor TPS.The scrubber was almost in tears and fell head long into a depressive state for the rest of the week.She was due to move into a houseshare at the age of 30 and was worried this hearing may lead to dismissal.

The Legend was more circumspect about the disciplinary and already had his case mapped out.Obviously,this news travelled like wild fire around the staff and the theory is that the PLC are trying to sweep out the dead wood and this is a good way to begin.

The food fridge broke down on Tuesday with large pools of water swilling across the shop floor.The Algerian was more interested in blaming me for not informing him of rising temperatures in the fridge which showed up on the temperature probe.I told him i've had no training for this process but i suggested politely that they get the fridge repaired before they are on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

However,an incident occured which disturbed me greatly.It was Wednesday morning at approximately 8.15am when i looked out of the unit and saw an argument between a mentally ill middle aged homeless alcoholic and a copper from the British Transport Police (BTP).The copper did a leg sweep on the homeless man whilst muttering "lets get you on the floor then".They both fell on the concrete surface and after writhing around on the floor another 5 old bill arrived as back up.

There were 6 members of the old bill holding down an unwell man.Of course this was in full view of members of the public.I immediately tried to form a steering committee to gather opinions on the incident.Most people were appalled at what they saw and some tried to raise complaints on the spot with the plastic police aka Community Support Officers.

I made a decision to make a formal complaint to the authorities on the grounds of excessive force.
After work on Wednesday i went to the BTP office in the station and attempted to make a complaint.Eventually,i was dealt with by a senior career copper with a white beard and probably 25 years service.I have seen him before and appears very chummy with all the shop units,and in fact saw him get a peck on the cheek by one of the iron hoof's who works at Boots.

The conversation i had with him was very interesting because he tried to manipulate me into dropping all enquiries.I told him that i was ashamed to be a Londoner and had never seen that type of brutality used against an apparently defenceless individual.

This was like a red rag to a bull.He claimed that i should have assisted his colleague and not automatically assumed that the BTP were in the wrong.
He then used the CCTV angle on me claiming that the offender was known to the authorities and was caught stealing from our unit.

I was present in the unit from 6am on the morning in question and i maintain this is a fabrication.The attitude of the senior copper was arrogance and he maxde me feel that i was in the wrong and let them do their job however they want.

Little did he know that his arrogance has made me even more determined to pursue this potential case of police brutality.

Friday was the king's final day!!He has kept it quiet for weeks and is going to another unit within the PLC.He had printed out a letter for all the staff "wishing us all the best in the future and he had thoroughly enjoyed working with us for these last 3 years..."

The supervisors were buzzing with lots of conversations taking place in dark corners.The new manager is a Bangladeshi and as a white boy i need to be careful.Ginger surfaced today which was a pleasure to converse with someone who can hold a conversation in unbroken English and he knows the score.He informed me that one of the Bangla weekend supervisor's is a racist and said "Israel is a boil".

I let this brush over me but made a mental note to provoke him the next time i see him and then make a complaint about racism in the workplace.

I'm on the 6am shifts again next week and will be regularly updating again.

Friday, 10 September 2010

The return of Bollywood

Friday 10th September 2010.7am-2pm

Somehow i'm still managing to get out of bed in the morning for this demeaning worthless job.3 hours in the mortuary with hardly any punters to serve but a good reading session in which all the broadsheets were devoured wigth the hunger of someone whose brain is turning lazy.

Thank god i was released from my purgatory when Ebony turned up at 10am.A swift 30 minutes in the usual unit was followed by a break where i dined with the Asian Terry Thomas who once again was speaking pigeon English.

There were no staff and the 2 Algerians had manipulated a night shift because of the end of Ramadan.They finished at 7.30am and were both clean shaven and looking reasonably smart.The queen had also been in since 2am and they hadn't allowed him a break because they were obsessed about stuffing their fat faces with food.

The actor was present until 12 and as usual was his normal self.No conversation and lots of "arrrrr" noises.I tried to engage with him but to no avail.The king's assistant had prepared a cage which i duly drove to the unit and distributed accordingly.The actor helped me and just as he was leaving i forced him to take back the empty cage with 3 bags of rubbish in situ.He looked reluctant but i used the King as a threat to him.So,it now looks like i've started taking advantage of him and its perfectly acceptable because he's so bloody gormless.

The day was brightened up when Bollywood arrived wearing an oversized standard T shirt advertising chewing gum.She has a cold and chesty cough.I remarked that the pink T shirt was more attractive,what i didn't add was that it showed off her breasts more.

Once again she was tired and admits she's a very lazy woman/girl.
It was all over again and each day my life has started flashing before me in this place.I need to come up with another plan because another 6 months in here could result in me losing my mind.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Depression and rasta boy.

Wednesday 8th September 2010.7am-2pm

Another 3 hours on my own in the quiet unit.It was very disturbing because i started thinking about wasted opportunites and felt depressed.

This started out as a 3 month summer job to get out of the house and now i need to beg the king's assistant for a permanent full time contract.

Ebony starts at 10am every day but because its book day i stay on the till whilst she changes the books over.I managed to get her to open up slightly about her life but she is a very closed person.

So far,i have established that she is a single mum with a 19 year old daughter.She has a freelance hairdressing business from home which supplements her income.None of the management take the piss out of her because she's too scary for that.They leave her alone and she does the time and goes home on time.

The Algerian was in today after a 24 hour recovery at home.He's still unwell and wrapped up with fleece jumpers.It was interesting today because when i was having my break i managed to listen to the King and the Algerian talking about wage rises in the managers office.

I cupped my ear to the wall and had a good listen.The Algerian was being scolded by the king,in much the same way a father tells off his child for not listening,for not waering a tie to work.This discussion went on for about 3 minutes with the King suggesting he goes to a shop in Wembley Park to buy his ties.Then,they got down to business.From what i could understand,a supervisor can either take a maximum hourly salary of £8.12p or a percentage of monthly profit on the unit they manage.
The Algerian took the hourly wage and they finished the meeting laughing together.

The King has tremendous power over the supervisors and they are terrified of him.

At 1pm i went down to the usual unit and had 2 disturbing experiences working with rasta boy.

An elderly French woman was trying to purchase a copy of Le Figaro when i heard the following exchange of views,"You are very rude aren't you?" rasta boy said.
He continued with "Don't throw the money down on the till i deserve to be treated better than that,in this country we put the money in the hand not on the counter" he was furious and had lost the plot.
The poor woman didn't speak English very well and departed the unit in a state of shock.

Then 5 minutes later he did it again to a defenceless English toff.However,she wasn't going to take this abuse lying down.

"Oh my god,oh my god,oh my god you are supposed to be offering me a service" she said in shock.

"I don't care i'm not your servant,throwing the money on the till isn't acceptable" he answered aggressively.
"I'm going to tell the management immediately about your appaling behaviour" she replied.
"Good,my name is ........ and you can find a manager in the big unit down there" he hissed whilst swearing under his breath.

I had a brief word with him but he had become a different person.He is frustrated at being at the PLC so long and its affecting his mental health.I can relate to that already and i've been here 3 months.

After my shift finished i went to see the king's assistant and tried to negotiate a new contract.They can't give me a 30 hour/wk permanent contract just 24 hours a week for the next 4 weeks and then maybe a vacancy may have come up.

I can't allow them to keep me hanging on like a kid waiting for his weekly pocket money.Maybe its time to move on.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Tube Strike

Tuesday 7th September 2010.7am-2pm

An early start again and left home in plenty of time to avoid the predictable road chaos.

Arrived on time and once again was summoned to the quiet unit.The Algerian had finally taken a day off,which was well deserved.

Of course this meant that all the early crew were more relaxed.The queen came up to my unit with the albino.He still hasn't plucked up the courage to ask out the burly black female security guard.He is very insecure around the women and uses me as a sounding board.I told him that unless he asks her on a date then she will never know that he likes her.

The albino was being very crude as usual which isn't in keeping with the principles of Ramadan.Fortunately,the black MILF arrived at 10am at which point i went for my break.

The legend was munching on some budget scones from Lidl and we somehow started talking about heavyweight boxing.Obviously,this descended into savage criticism of great fighters.

He doesn't rate Lennox Lewis and called him a "lazy fighter".Apparently,its easy to win an Olympic gold medal.I made my excuses and went to investigate the possibility of going to Finchley to collect my boy from school after work.The Northern Line was running normally so i called HID (her in doors) to tell her the good news that i would be collecting him.

I returned to the other unit where i met the actor and the queen.Business was much slower today so there wasn't much hard graft to do.I like the hard grunt because it makes the shift go quicker.

I got talking to a lovely Canadian cougar who was in London overnight before flying home tomorrow.I have noticed that a lot of women don't wear bra's especially foreign women.

The shift was over and i walked briskly to Euston station to make my way to the suburbs.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Boring Boring Boring

Monday 6th September 2010.7am-2pm

Its a big week this week but the 7am starts make a big difference.
I was shunted up to the dead unit and feared the worst.A day in that place is enough to make Paul McKenna depressed.

Its ugly and old Nothern women with the occasional Eurostar straggler.The Algerian's cold has taken a turn for the worse.He now has a full beard and was wearing two fleece tops zipped up to the neck.

"Are you still unwell?" i ventured.
"Its terrrible mate,i was just about to leave a message for the king and tell him i can't work when the queen called me and said he couldn't come in" he replied.

I felt sympathy for him,he works his balls off for the PLC and doesn't realise that his health is more important.Ramadan hasn't finished yet so he's in a bad way.

It was the usual shtick.Running between the cage of stock and the till like a demented fool.However,it was so quiet i managed to read most of the papers and especially liked the Wayne Rooney story.

I also asked the Algerian to have a word with the king's assistant about some new hours.He will try and help and because he likes having me working on his shift hopefully he will swing it.

There was no excitement today and no attractive women to write about.

Contract Negotiations

Friday 3rd September 2010.2pm-6pm

Its the last day of the short shifts and i have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the PLC for at least the next 12 months.

I had a quick chat with the sex bomb and took 2 fruitellas from her.She smiled seductively as i walked out of the staff room.

Sandy Gall bags was her usual bubbly self and i told her that i would now like a permanent full time position.She said she would tell the king's assistant and try and help me out.

I proceeded to the usual unit and was greeted by the Noel Clarke extra who i hadn't worked with since i trained him up all those weeks ago.

He's an ok bloke.He is grateful to have a job whilst maintaining the manufactured street image of lots of young London males.

He doesn't have the confidence or desire to undertake banter with the punters.He also has his mobile with him and is regularly sending emails and texts on his crackberry.

Its amazing that almost everyone from lowly paid workers to senior executives now possesses a blackberry.All i know is that when i had one it took over my life and nearly cost me my marriage.

The phone went and my stomach doesn't turn over anymore because i'm so comfortable in this job.

The king's assistant asked me what hours i would like next week and i told her about my change of circumstances.I requested a permanent full time position and preferably 6am-2pm 4 days a week.

After a short silence she uttered the immortal line,"I will play with the figures and come back to you".

This is a line she uses regularly and of course is a ploy used by management in all sectors to buy time.

I hope it works out but the uncertainty will have an impact on my weekend.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Slovakian stripper.

Thursday 2nd September 2010.2pm-10pm

I had agreed to work more hours today but was reeling from the news that i will have to pay full tuition fees if i wish to undertake the 3 year full time degree.

I was cheered up by the site of the Slovakian sex bomb in the staff room.She hasn't batted an eyelid at me in all the time i have worked at the PLC.Our hours are different so our paths don't cross.Not any more!!!!

She was wearing an all in one black trouser suit which showed off her well proportioned ripe melons.

I was reading a magazine which she snatched out of my hand playfully and started a conversation about gossip magazines and how she hated celebrities.

The only other person in the staff room was the Giraffe who seems permanently depressed and doesn't talk anyway apart from grunting noises.

The sex bomb started to change in front of me whilst attempting to slip her official pink tight PLC t-shirt under her top.

"If you are shy you should maybe change in the toilet" i chortled.
"I am ok changing here and i'm not shy" she replied.

So,an interesting first communication between us.She is very close to Sandy Gall bags and probably doesn't know i'm married.

I have a few tales about her.Rasta boy reckons he's been trying but hasn't made any progress and the albino took her number but failed to meet her for a coffee in Tottenham.She allegedly told rasta boy recently that she needs sex!!

Albino thinks she is a tease.When i reached the unit to start my shift the Algerian was clearing out all the Richard and Judy book club promotional material and kicking it along the concourse.After 1 day the club had been ditched and all the books returned whence they came.He was furious and what's more when Judy was questioned on their show that morning where the launch had taken place she didn't know!!

Yet again the unit was a complete mess probably due to the fact that the queen doesn't work on Friday mornings and i haven't been in to get the place organised.

It was mainly till work and sales of Tony Blair's new book were quite brisk.It was reduced to £12.50 from £25 within 24 hours of the launch.I noticed its mainly foreigners buying the book who appear more interested in it than the Brits.

There were a few attractive women but i was making plans in my head all shift for life instead of university.I worked with the anorexic kitchen sink for 2 hours.Yesterday she was doubled over with PMT pain and at one stage went pale and nearly collapsed.

The sex bomb surfaced to cash up and has a mouth like a sewer.She likes using expletives which quite frankly makes a woman very unattractive no matter how they look.
Her parting comment was "Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow".

Richard and Judy

Wednesday 1st September 2010.2pm-6pm

The previous day there had been lots of activity with new books and a scheme called the "Richard and Judy Book Club".

When i arrived Sandy Gall bags was in her finest bib and tucker but she could never scrub up well.You know how they say that owners start to resemble their dogs,she falls into that category.

Apparently Richard and Judy turned up and had some photos taken in all of the units whilst promoting some new books on a buy 1 get 1 free deal.

They didn't talk to any of the staff or punters and just went upstairs to the champagne bar to quaff finest quality bubbly with some seafood.

The staff were scathing of their arrogance and furthermore they had an entourage of 10 people ranging from make up to PA's.

A consequence of this "media event" was that all the work had been chanelled into the launch and the unit resembled a kids birthday party.

The Algerian had a heavy cold which obviously made his suspect temperament even more suspect.I did my Red Adair impression and within 2 hours we were ahead of the game again.

The Slovak sex bomb has been made night supervisor which could be interesting.These 4 hours shifts fly by but working with rasta boy and the asian DJ is a laugh.

The Asian DJ had a disciplinary this week and the CCTV evidence found in his favour.This now leaves Somalian security facing a misconduct charge due to incorrect procedure when dealing with a suspected shoplifter.Apparently,he accused the DJ of not arresting the suspect even though we are only sales assistants.A plastic policeman then got involved and the whole situation desended into a Whitehall farce in front of the punters.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010


Tuesday 31st August 2010.2pm-6pm

The first of the new shifts got underway in my usual unit.I have taken over the hours vacated by the fat Indian bird who has departed for Mumbai and a job,probably lined up by Dad,in Singapore commencing in January 2011.

The afternoon dynamic is a bit different.The business is steady rather than frenetic.
It looks like i will be working with rasta boy all week which is always a good laugh.

A French asian woman approached the till and sked for some AAA batteries.I usually ask the punter to double check the batteries because if they open the packet they won't get a refund.

She reached into her handbag and pulled out a black travel vibrator and proceeded to pull the dildo out of the see through tube.She bought it from Ann Summers and i couldn't resist asking her if she had used it yet.She didn't understand the question but we established that the batteries were unsuitable.We didn't stock the batteries she required and she went on her merry way.

That's what makes this menial job interesting and keeps me coming back for more.
When i told rasta boy what had happened he stood there gawping at me and wondering why things like that don't happen to him!!

He reckons he would have made a move on her based on the evidence available.In reality he is getting more frisky by the day but his approach is all wrong.