Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Xmas 2010.

13th-22nd December 2010.

Its been a very interesting couple of weeks.Due to the illegal working temperatures the units were 24 hours from closure.Environmental Health were on the brink and the Imman bailed themselves out of trouble by acquiring 2 £20 heaters from Robert Dyas.

However,they still have to provide warm clothing but that's a matter for the New Year.
The Imman's assistant is leaving on Thursday 23rd Decemeber and starting work at Sainsbury's the following day.She's been more talkative in the last few days than the previous 5 months.The Albino reckons she hasn't got a "pussy".Her reasons for leaving are the same as all the good staff in the PLC,"they didn't treat me with respect and took me for granted".She has been travelling 3.5 hours/day for 2 years.

We appear to be the only retailer in the country that doesn't give any bonus or gift to the staff and quite frankly its demoralising.
Ginger has been suspended apparently down to abusive behaviour to a customer and the last i saw of him was in the office being shown CCTV footage of him shouting at a punter.He texted me afterwards and claimed he was suspended for eating half eaten bags of damaged sweets.

There is no Xmas feelgood factor in this place just a sense of negativity.The Eurostar fiasco,which has made headline news across Europe,was ridiculous.
9 hour queues and young children sleeping on station benches in freezing cold temperatures.

The Imman has spent very little time at the stores over the busiest period of the year.Instead he has sent an Asian spy down who is actually a decent bloke but definitely has been sent to keep an eye on us.

I accused the stubby weekend Asian supervisor if being racist after i told him i was Jewish.All the Muslims know now and i will watch them all like a hawk.

The large Pakistani unit lost his father so has flown back to Pakistan and of course there is no one to put away the deliveries.They wouldn't have the brains to get extra staff in over the busy period.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

The Heater has landed.

Tuesday 7th December 2010.2pm-10pm

I was so pumped up before my shift i forgot to eat lunch and have a hot drink.
I had Environmental Health on standby to read the temperatures of the units and my contact at The Sun waiting for a call and photos of staff wearing coats,scarves,hats,and gloves.

I arrived at 1.30pm with a view to getting support for a mass walkout if the heaters hadn't been bought.The Asian DJ was onside as was BBBW.
The slim Indian cricketer was sitting down in the staff room doing paperwork.The supervisors don't have space in the managers office to do their work so they are surrounded by staff whilst trying to concentrate on their mounds of paperwork.

Sandy Gall bags surfaced and i demanded she ask the Imman's assistant if the heaters had arrived.She refused!! At this point i couldn't control my anger any longer.
"You are my line manager and i'm freezing cold as are all of the evening staff and i want you to deal with this now or you will have no staff working tonight".
This hit her straight between the eyes and she scarpered off to the office looking ashamed and red faced.

10 minutes later i was given a Russell Hobbs heater in a box which i carried proudly to the unit.It's amazing this whole episode came down to this.Apparently,they also had a visit from Camden Council who took temperature readings last Friday and were warned of future conduct.

After my dinner break,in which i consumed 2 meals,I was walking to the toilets with a bunch of carrier bags when i was spotted by the Imman.
"Where are you going with those bags?" he mumbled because he can't talk properly.
"I'm going for a wee and then taking these bags to the unit" i countered.

So,what did i learn today?Nothing that i hadn't worked out within weeks of joining this company.The supervisors are more scared of losing their jobs than the sales assistants and have no power at all.The first instinct of management is to suspect stealing or wrongdoing so that creates a really unhealthy working environment where all parties don't trust the other.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Enough is enough

Monday 6th December 2010.2pm-10pm

Another week has commenced and i have psyched myself up to confront the Imman about the illegal working conditions.

Surely,its time to deal with these bastards and show them we can't be treated like dogs.I clocked in as usual with the normal crew and was already itching for a confrontation.

Before i had the opportunity to deal with the freezing working conditions i noticed 2 people who i had never seen before stroll into the back of house area and proceed to the loading bay.5 minutes later they marched into the manager's office and told them that if they don't comply with the following then you will be closed down.
Basically,they made a snap inspection and were able to walk straight into the back of house area without any questioning.They also picked up a Stanley knife,some bolt cutters and a scanner.
They were from Network Rail and were testing the PLC's non existent procedures.The other issue was that the hallway outside the stock room was full of boxes and stock which is a serious fire hazard.
The tall blonde said,"You've got 24 hours to deal with these problems or we're closing you down".
Within moments this flat faced woman who apparently is helping out strode into the stock room repeating everything i had just heard.The Imman was walking sheepishly around showing no authority.

I was pleased with this situation because i went in for the kill.You know,kick them when they are down.I sat down next to the king's assistant and the conversation unfolded like this,"Its freezing cold,what are you going to do about it?" i said.
"The Imman has been to Argos and they have sold out of heaters" she replied.
"Of course they have sold out,its been the coldest 2 weeks for 50 years.That's typical of you lot,reactive not proactive" i countered.
"There are some heaters at Liverpool Street which the Imman will collect asap."
"The problem is that we are treated like dirt because you are only interested in profits" i continued.
"I don't treat the staff badly" she squirmed.
That was that and i strode off into the station wrapped up with a scarf and gloves.
I relayed the incident to some of the other staff and continued with my work.

I will check the legal temperature allowance under health and safety law and get the unit measured tomorrow.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

The rat,health and safety at work.

Monday - Wednesday 29th November - 1st December 2010.2pm-10pm

The freezing conditions are wreaking havoc with the workforce.Lots of staff off sick and the ones that are braving the illegal working conditions are experiencing mental disintegration.

I fall in to both categories.My health is suffering,i now have a permanent cough with a mucus laden hooter.Whenever,i return home for 4 days after work i recover and then it starts again.All i can say is that,i don't have any choice at the moment and pray that the new ventures will bear fruit.

The Asian DJ has been working on a theory that the black MILF is a "grass".He outlined his case for this theory and it may stack up.Basically,her attitude and quality of work is poor.In fact its at a level where she should have been toasted ages ago.However,she is the longest serving member of the workforce and is untouchable.She keeps £20 notes and too many Ayrton Senna's in her till and has a chip on the shoulder to the punters.Also,she leaves 10 minutes early every day and claims the till clocks are incorrect.The Asian DJ told me of a situation where someone was sacked and she knew all the reasons before the supervisors.Furthermore,the Imman dropped a hint to the DJ that they have "spies" working here.

Eurostar has been suffering major delays and cancellations.An Irish blonde of about 25 burst out crying when the Ginger informed her that they are sending people home who don't need to travel urgently.She was wailing "Its my home what am i going to do?".
"Come back to mine to keep warm" i thought.
I am beginning to spot the regular evening punters.There is a slim Indian with a full set of gnashers who is definitely single but has something about her which is delightful.She always turns down the TPS but is very talkative and is probably yet another single female in their 30's.

The Algerian is back from a 2 week holiday and is very calm but has piled on the poundage and resembles a Hallal turkey.His new obsession is the Xmas products and the decorations.We are now overflowing with crackers,Xmas cards and "Tubes".
He can't let go of these.They are tubes of chocolates or sweets which presumably,judging by his reaction,have healthy profit margins.

The usual suspects are still present.The BBBW is still around and is a very pleasant well mannered girl.The serious Asian who wears a shirt and tie to work even though he's not a supervisor has started coming out of his shell.The Albino is always game for a laugh and has experimented with illegal substances and possibly still partakes in "dacha".
Miss Gall Bags is still flying around with her weather beaten hands and high stress levels.Ginger has a stalker.She is a rotund Latvian who works at one of the coffee shops.He reckons he's told her that he has a girlfriend but she won't let go and its made her more determined to get her wicked way.However,she did sort us out a large hot chocolate to share last night which was needed in the Arctic conditions.

I tried to see the Imman to discuss the possibility of getting heaters in the units but i couldn't track him down.Life goes on.............

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Fake accents and the albino's chat up lines.

Tuesday and Wednesday 23rd and 24th November 2010.2pm-10pm

These 2 days have paired me with the albino and the Asian DJ.I also spent some time with the black MILF,who was very perky.

On Tuesday she was wearing lots of fake bling including a pair of fake bling knuckle dusters.She starting speaking basic French to all the punters and persuaded me to speak in a range of foreign accents.It was a bizarre situation where i found myself trying Welsh,American and Australian accents.

We had a laugh but of course there will always be punters who take these events far too seriously and get stressed out and take out their frustrating lives on us.They treat us like whipping boys.

The MILF has a classic ripe black body.She is 38 and likes boxing,basketball and most music genres.She is about 5'4 with a peach shaped bum and a reasonable rack.She has started opening up but stops short at the real meat of her life which is how has she ended up being a single mother.
As usual the French women lapped up the basic French and normally turn around just as they leave the unit and smile warmly.

The albino is an interesting character.He's 31 and has been in a serious car accident for which he received a large lump of wonga as compensation.That's the reason he has the twitches.However,he tries it on with the women and will go as far as asking for phone numbers.He's been in a relationship with a Hungarian single mother for 2 years and like me has tried most things once.

The Algerian is still away and if he saw the state of the unit he would have kittens.
The shelves are half full because we can't be bothered to replenish in the usual quantities.

My health is rapidly deteriorating and i have developed a hacking cough which is more similar to a 40/day smoker aged 75.I hope that the property consultancy work that i have agreed verbally comes off otherwise they may have to carry me out of this place with an oxygen mask.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

The Albino

Monday 22nd November 2010.2pm-10pm

The temperature has plummeted inside the station and i feel that my health is getting affected.I have another wheezy cough and a snot laden nose.

As usual under the Sandy Gall shift,we gather in the staff room which is getting dirtier by the day,and she gives instructions for the forthcoming shift.

I was please to be working with the Albino because even though he could border on anti semitic he's actually up for a giggle with the ladies.One of the new Asians phoned in ill and the amount of staff taking sick leave must be above the national average.The Rotweiller has signed off for 2 weeks with a bad back which has caused a great deal of speculation.

Also,the large Pakistani unit has just returned after a week off with bed bugs.He moved into a new flat in Ilford with his wife and new born baby and they developed rashes cause by old and filthy mattresses.I gave him a quick low down on the solution which is to turn and hoover the mattress every 2 weeks.He was grateful for this.

The shift went well because we played games with each other in terms of communicating with the women.The Albino is a huge lump with an unfortunate facial tick but that doesn't stop him trying to pull the women.He thought he was in with a skinny French nanny of about 25 with long black hair.She came in with the kid,a precocious French brat,about 4 times in the space of 15 minutes.She looked slightly weird almost like Viscount Spencer's first wife who was an anorexic drug addict.

My cough was getting worse as the evening progressed but it was soothed by consuming large quantities of damaged jelly babies and chocolate buttons.I was sharing a locker with BBBW so had her handbag in my locker.I was thinking of rifling through her handbag and planting a fake mobile phone number in it to see if she responds in an affirmative manner.

Sandy Gall bags was also unwell and claimed that she vomited before her shift started.She is either stupid or a trooper,its probably a but of both.The Slovak had to take the day off because her and her flat mates had been stung by a con artist pretending to be a landlord.He took the money off them and legged it.The next they knew was when they were served an eviction notice.Its a classic case of someone who give it large but actually is very dim but nevertheless its a naughty thing to do but a very easy scam to implement.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The rebellious romeo

Tuesday 16th November 2010.2pm-10pm

Feeling raw after family mediation with HRH,lots of stuff came up from the past and i just managed to hold it down.

I had brought in enough food for two because i had promised BBBW dinner tonight.I don't know what the hell i'm doing stringing these women along.Its the fantasy that drives me on in this place.

When i was walking to my unit at the beginning of the shift i passed the MILF and she stroked my shoulder and said "Hi xxxx,how are you today?".I had a feeling this was brewing but i don't know how she hasn't found out that i'm married with kids.

Thankfully,my wish had been granted because i was working with ginger and i knew that the shift would be more enjoyable with an English speaking white boy next to me.
It appears that MILF will come into our unit every afternoon between 2.30pm and 4pm.
Unfortunately,i am always doing the replenishment so i don't spend any quality time with her.I had a much closer look today and noticed that she has started to undo her black fleece to reveal a very fine pair of good sized bristols.This fantasy thing is affecting me in a big way.On the way out of the unit she remarked "Once again i didn't get a chance to spend any time with you at work".
"That's a real shame" i replied.

We ploughed on without any dramas.The albino turned up and he is a decent bloke and has had numerous drug experiences.We discussed the possibility of an Xmas party and i had suggested to ginger that we get hold of some "mild acid" and spike people's drinks.
On second thoughts i wouldn't be able to live with myself if the cockney scrubber lost her mind and threw herself under a bus.However,we must get something arranged because it would be a great laugh and very revealing.

The romeo is taking his eye off the ball and isn't following instructions from Sandy Gall bags.He is disappearing during his shift and Gall bags is getting very angry with him.He has a cold at the moment and a huge sore under his nostrils.

BBBW was wearing a new top which was a lowcut blue number unbuttoned which showed her over ripe melons in all their glory.Its difficult to read these women or is it the fantasy which is making me believe that they want to sleep with me or is it reality.Watch this space.

Monday, 15 November 2010

BBBW is keen.

Monday 15th November 2010.2pm-10pm

Just made in time where i was greeted by the usual suspects.Sandy Gall bags handed me the schedule for the shift and off i went.

Rasta boy is back from his 2 weeks off and is more angry and resentful than ever.He hasn't heard back from 2 interviews he went to last month and is cursing at every opportunity.He can sometimes be downright rude and then moments later call male punters "boss" and female punters "darling".
However,there is no doubt about it that this job is squeezing the life out of him.He told me today that if he wasn't working he would be robbing people.He is even considering applying for a job at Tesco's just to get out of the PLC.

The black MILF worked with us for an hour and a half with her silver teeth shining in the bright spotlights.She makes a strange sound whilst waiting for a response from punters.

I dined with the young BBBW and she provocatively asked me what i did over the weekend.She has no idea i'm married with 2 kids and when i told her that i had dinner with an ex employee but nothing untoward happened,she was hooked.
I have offered to buy her dinner at work tomorrow and throughout the rest of the evening she was asking me "what are you buying me?"

Apparently,the Slovak has been promoted to a newspaper supervisor and subsequently now works in the mornings.What a sly old dog she is!!I discussed this with her last week and she told me that she wasn't interested.The albino is back on the day shifts so he will be in 6pm-10pm every night which will be a laugh.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

The sick smoker

Tuesday and Wednesday 10th/11th November 2pm-10pm

The first punter i served was a black woman of about 30 who approached the till holding her throat tightly.
"20 Marlboro Lights and a lighter please".
"Are you sure you want cigarettes with your sore throat?"
She collapsed in a fit of laughter.This sowed a seed of doubt in her brain and for a moment she considered cancelling the order but like all good nicotine addicts completed her purchase.

The romeo and i were together and were joined by a rebellious lad who will be known as The Chip.The reason for this is his prickly attitude and large potato chip on his shoulder.He has worked for the PLC for a while in different locations and the Imman's assistant has brought him back in on a 20 hour/week contract.

The romeo is an interesting character because he has the corniest lines i have ever heard from any man anywhere in the world.Here is a sample:

"Can i ask you a question?"
"What conditioner do you use?"
"Excuse me do you wear contact lenses?"
Lady replies "no" romeo replies "your eyes are beautiful".

The irony of all this is that he maybe a homo sexual.He is single and this flirtacious could be a cover for his rampant homosexuality but i'll keep you posted on this.

The phone rang and it was the Imman's assistant."Send the chip to come and see me please" she asked.
I knew immediately there was a problem.The Chip went to the main unit and never returned.About 20 minutes later he returned to say his goodbye's.He had been sacked for not putting his mobile and travel card in his locker.Apparently,on Monday night he was searched by the long streak of piss and they found his phone and travel card on his person.
They still made him come to work the next day and toasted him,bloody ruthless.

Anyway,life goes on and it was a warning shot by the management just to show us who runs this show.

A pleasant Estonian appeared and i mistook her for a French hottie.Then she asked for a phone top up and i got that wrong as well.Then she asked for some help with her phone top up and i got that wrong again.However,i cheekily asked her if she would pay me a visit,she declined.

I dined with BBBW and she only eats bagels.She is a bit frisky and like all big breasted well built women is up for a some fun and games.My experience with large breasted women has taught me that they are very willing and grateful when they get an offer they can't refuse.

Slovak was a bit quiet and i think she is getting rogered on a regular basis.Her facial glow has returned and she is weird looking.Apart from her great rack there isn't anything else to her apart from the Sarah Palin glasses thing going on.

Sandy Gall bags is the most hardworking woman i have ever worked with.She was hoovering and cleaning one of the units on her own and didn't even look tired.

Monday, 8 November 2010


Monday 8th November 2010.2pm-10pm

I'm enjoying these evening shifts because i don't have the Algerian hovering over me and the women staff are more interesting.

The BBBW is about 20 years old and about to complete a degree in social work.However,i have to be careful not to lead her down the garden path.The Slovak has exczma on her thumb which is incredibly off putting and wears a pair of black trousers which are frayed at the bottoms.I told her that the trousers aren't acceptable and she promised me she would wear her new pair tomorrow.

Anyway,back to the BBBW.I had a good look at her today and just like most large girls if she lost 2 stone she would be highly desirable but i don't care about that.
Her Bristols are very large and resemble a couple of overweight water melons.

I took her into the loading bay today and gave her a guided tour of the recycling bins and showed her how to dispose of the rubbish.She asked me what would happen if she got locked into the loading bay.I told her i would save her!!

2 hours later i was completing a replenishment in the stock room and she appeared from nowhere and smiled shyly.
"Are you stalking me?" i asked.
"Do you want me to?" she ventured.

I thought she had left the stock room so i started talking to myself when she appeared again and said "Did you know its the first sign of madness?"
"Yes,i'm fully aware thank you,do you want to give me a hand getting the Liquorice allsorts off the top shelf?" i continued.
"I'm actually looking for some peanuts could you help me?" she requested.
"Certainly" we both crouched down as i showed her the peanut shelf and as i left the stock room i looked back and saw her squatting with her shapely booty hugging her tight black trousers.It definitely helped pass the time of day.

The romeo was on top form as usual with constant female giggling coming from his till.
The Slovak arrived at 9pm to do the sandwich and juice count and apart from her impressive breasts she hasn't got much else going for her.

Sandy Gall bags closed the shop as usual and apparently she lived on the Costa Brava for 19 years and came back to the UK in 2007 when the Spanish economy dived.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

The comedian.

Tuesday 2nd November 2010.2pm-10pm

Afther the family mediation session with HRH i found myself arriving early for work when i bumped into the Slovak.She was having a pre-shift cigarette and coffee.It was an ideal opportunity to delve into her life and find out what makes her tick.

She is a smart girl and hardworking and knows that she is wasting her time at the PLC.Her ambition is to go into childcare.

When i arrive Sandy Gall bags gives me an hour by hour schedule which i attempt to follow by the minute but of course you can't legislate for incidents that crop up.
The romeo was with me again and a round Muslim girl in full regalia.

I undertook some serious manual labour today which involved 2 replenishments and shlepping huge boxes of sweets and drinks.

Towards the end of the day a flighty blonde approached the till.She was about 35 with a reasonable complexion but oozing sexual awareness.It was time to strike.

"10 Marlboro Lights and a lighter please" she said
"Do you want a red one because i reckon its your favourite colour" i replied.
"Actually my favourite colour is purple" she retorted
By now she was hooked in and there was a queue building.The romeo was counting the unsold papers but watching the situation unfold.
"Why did you think that red was my favourite coulour" she teased.
"Your nail varnish and purse are red,is there anything else that you have on that is red" i pushed.
"You are very funny babe has it been a long day?" she enquired.
"My shift is nearly over and i like to analyse beautiful women like you"
"Wow,it sounds like you have fun here babe,where do you live?" she ventured.
"Not far away,what are you upto now?" i asked
"Going outside to have a fag babe"
"Have you ever thought of being a comedian babe you remind me of Jack Dee?" she gushed.

Then,as usual the queue caused the conversation to finish and she walked off into the night smiling.I wonder if she will be back tomorrow.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Return to work

Monday 1st November 2010.2pm-10pm.

I have returned to work today after a week in a freezing cold run down cottage in the middle of Suffolk.We all came back ill and i have foolishly decided to come to work.
These will be my new hours on Monday,Tuesday and Wednesdays only.One of the reasons i have gone for these new hours is to check out the Slovak sex bomb in a bit more detail.
Of course,in my absence some new staff have appeared.We have Sandy Gall bags,Slovak sex bomb,the asian DJ,new BBBW,Indian stiff and the romeo.
BBBW is big breasted black woman who is large but not that large if you know what i mean!!
The Indian stiff was wearing a shirt and tie and has been there 2 weeks.It was the Slovak's birthday today and she had nothing planned for after work and Sandy Gall bag's had bought her a gift and card.They are a bit like mother and daughter.Basically,if you want to get to the Slovak then you have to get past the dog leaving saddo that is Sandy Gall bags.

I was working with the romeo which i knew would be fun but at the same time frustrating because his command of the English language is moderate.We lacked the spark we had in the summer probably because all the women are covered up but i have made a decision to hammer the TPS because Sandy is very strict on those things.

Everyone made we feel welcome after my week away and i think the black MILF reckons i'm unattached because she spoke to me more today than she has done in the previous 5 months.

The rotweiller called me in for a chat about general till performance and i signed another famous sheet incriminating me.I take him with a pinch of salt because he really is deluded that boy.He thinks he's management already but i admire his bullshit and enthusiasm for the retail industry.

The evening shifts are manic until about 8.30pm.The Slovak came round ordering us about and i have noticed she has a funny walk.She could be bow legged and is also very excitable.

The TPS went well and i am interested to see what results i score in the premier league table.BBBW travels in from Canning Town and appears very pleasant but is regretting the travelling time to and from work.
I had a coughing fit whilst dealing with a large queue of punters which was very embarassing.I took my break and composed myself.The romeo was very concerned and kept on saying "OOOh la la" in his french tone.

I was thinking about asking the Slovak out for a birthday drink but my instinct told me that would be completely wrong.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

One to one with the Imman's assistant

Wednesday 20th October 2010.6am-12pm

With the new contract signed,today is my penultimate day on the early shifts which will be a huge relief.

I received a text from ginger at 5.45am informing me that he wouldn't be in today owing to a mystery illness he caught from his brother.However,the rumour doing the rounds was that he went out clubbing.

The troubleshooter was in this morning wearing a thick fleece jacket to repel the cold.The station is freezing cold and the chill attacks every crevass of the building.

I was called in for a file note due to not scoring 100% on the bounceback vouchers.
This was an ideal opportunity to voice a few opinions with the Imman's assistant.I discussed staff moral,low staffing levels and lack of respect given to the staff by the management.Of course,I'm not expecting any of this to make a difference to our working day but she reckoned that they know about the poor moral.

Clearly there must be a problem if there are 13 vacancies.She has interviewed 30 people in the last 2 weeks and has only taken on 3 new members of staff.I asked her if she wondered why the only applicants for these jobs are Asian or Muslim.She said "its been like this for about 5 years and they don't know why this is the case".

I did the pick and mix and drove the cage very carefully today because it was packed to the rafters.The Algerian is away tomorrow for a few days so i won't work with him again which is a shame.

The stunning Slovakian nanny i met yesterday at my son's school has stayed in my head for 24 hours.She is about 25 years old with black hair,perfect teeth,good English and all assets in the right places.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

First chat with the Imman

Monday 18th October and Tuesday 19th October 2010.

The beginning of a new week and greeted by the Algerian surrounded by hundreds of magazines and feeling grumpy.

On Monday's the 2 magazine night geezers have a day off.The queen is away for 2 weeks and the slow Somalian is also away this week.I found this out when i arrived at 6am.So,the original slow boy attacked the papers with relish and somehow got 2 units open on our own.Normally,this would take 4 staff.

We had to open one of the units 1 hour late.They haven't covered the queen's shifts which is a subtle money saving exercise.

I made a decision to give them an ultimatum about my new hours and contract.They just keep you hanging on like a dog so i played them at their own game.

I collared the Imman in his office and demanded he gives me some time to discuss matters.I told them that if they don't give me a new contract at 3 days/week this week then i will leave.After a 15 minute chat about the legality of working without a contract he still hadn't asked me my name!! As i left the office i told him my name and suggested he wrote it down.

Surprise surprise his assistant found me deep in the bowels of the stock room and told me to come to the office after my shift to sign the new contract.Its a shame but the only language they understand is agressive and confrontational.

It looks like there are 2 new Asian muslims starting and one of them is in the full regalia.There was a young attractive mixed race girl who worked with us for 2 hours but sadly she's going to another station.Shame she had potential.

The major bombshell of the day was that ginger has found out that the cockney scrubber is Jewish!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Staff illness

15th October 2010.

Upon arrival i was greeted by the albino,the slow Somalian and the recently married Bangla cricketer whose wife will be joining him in a few months.

The female Terry Thomas called in ill,probably the anaemia she suffers from.When one person calls in sick there begins a domino effect which causes absolute chaos.There is no room for manouevre so i was on the till for the whole shift which felt a bit odd.I thought i may as well go for it on the TPS and see what weekend women were keen.

I have realised that the teenage girls are the most friendly but more through innocence rather than wanting to play ball.The Gok Wan crew were present with their eating disorders and over the top make up.

I hit on a 17 year old with massive boobs who was blushing as i was talking to her.She was going to Paris for a 5 day exchange trip and could possibly lose her virginity to a greasy smooth talking frog.

Of course the Algerian was fuming and had made the stubby Muslim come in at 8am even though she had a heavy cold.Unfortunately,i had to work with her and hope that i didn't catch her lurgy.She kept on sitting down on a pile of Daily Telegraph's behind the till because of the lurgy.

The Algerian had to do till work and was angry and the complete lack of justice in the world.The other scandal was the late arrival of the rotweiller.The Imman's assistant showed her anger very subtly when she told me that he hadn't even called in sick.She crouched behind our section to sort out the cash counters and i accidentally on purpose touched her bottom.
She's so cold emotionally she didn't even flinch.

The rotweiller surfaced about an hour late and he was pacing up and down sheepishly.His snarl was replaced with a whimper.I took pleasure in seeing him scared.

The highlight of the day was seeing my old school mate for a drink after work.I hadn't seen him in 21 years.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

The scrubber has a meltdown

Wednesday 13th October 2010.6am-12pm

The visit by the area manager didn't happen yesterday,surprise surprise.
When i was in the office listening to the Algerian bollocking the Asian who has been at the PLC for 25 years,i noticed a calendar on the wall which clearly stated that the well fed bloke was coming today.

Lo and behold at 7.45pm he rolled in with his 3 piece tight suit and was very jolly and polite.He made it in before the Imman and the other supervisors.Of course when the Algerian got wind of his arrival he turned into an alien.He started running around the station barking out orders and generally making a fool of himself.
I considered telling him about the treatment of the staff and my contract issues but there was no time.I was running about like a nutter today.Several cage trips and numerous phone calls from the Algerian.

Ginger was with me for a bit so we had our usual piss taking session which the slow Somalian tried to get involved with.

The next paragraph is attributed to my good mate Ginger.He was working with the cockney scrubber in the large unit when all of a sudden she started crying and shrieking.Furthermore,she sat on the floor behind the till and suffered a breakdown over the workload.Strange really,because earlier in the day she told me that retail is a serious career for her and its a bit early for her to be applying for supervisory roles.

The breakdown occured in full view of the punters and staff.Apparently the black MILF consoled her and put her arm around her in much the same way a Dad holds his child if they have been upset.

It will be interesting to see how this incident will be viewed by the Imman.It could be the end of her promising retail career.
The feedback from my property consultancy meeting has been very encouraging so watch this space.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Northern Women

Tuesday 12th October 2010.6am-12pm

The slow Somalian was praying to Allah again on his magic carpet in the filthy staff room.Its a strange sight but i do respect the bloke for following his faith.

I knew it would be all hands to the pump because of the area manager visit.Its a doddle now,no fear and no test of my intellectuality.The queen was despatched to the busy unit because Clarice Starling is away this week.

The Algerian worked me like a dog but i like hard work it makes the shift go quicker.
I have decided that i will take one of the permanent positions available which is potentially Mon-Wed 2pm-10pm.Its only 3 days a week but more importantly it enables me to check out the evening staff especially the Slovakian sex bomb.

I was unloading my third cage of the morning when i heard,"fuckin knobs" in a Mancunian female accent.
"Who are the knobs" i enquired.
She was a well worn lass of about 35 with platted hair.The sort of woman who probably still goes out raving and pops pills.

"The knobs are my mates from Manchester" she replied.
"Where have you been on holiday?" i asked spotting lots of suitcases.
"Barbados,what do you think of my sun tan?" the raver continued
"I never saw you before your holiday"
"Do you want to look at my white lines,or will you blush?" she teased
"Lets have a look and i won't blush"

She then proceeded to push her reasonably shaped breasts out of her tight top and showed me her white bikini line.Unfortunately,her mother appeared and the fun was over.

The Algerian suggested i apply for the supervisors role.I told him that when i look at him every day i know that its not where i want to be going with my life.

The Imman's assistant promised me that we would sign the new contract but needless to say she put me off until later in the week.

The big Indian unit is sweating on a new contract and is trying to facilitate this by getting his cousin,the slim Indian cricketer, and the rotweiller to tell the Imman to give him a contract.

I politely told the big unit to approach the Imman himself and just deal with it like a man instead of relying on those 2 shmendricks (yiddish for wet behind the ears).Its very interesting observing how the fear paralyses the Asians even though they are dealing with their own kind.

I glimpsed the flat chested blonde coming out of our unit and managed to say "Hello,how are you?"
"Not bad" she replied.
Maybe,she is now on a different shift but she is gorgeous especially when she wears tight jeans and suede pixie boots.

My consultancy meeting at 4pm went well so watch this space.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Contract Negotiations

Monday 11th October 2010.6am-12pm

I only served about 3 punters today becasue the queen went to another unit and i ran the show whilst the Algerian was supervising another unit.

The actor was back from Norwich and the slow Somalian completed the line up.
My objective for the day was to facilitate a permanent contract from the Imman.

Instead it was the Imman's assistant,who has a raking cough,printed off the entire availablity of permanent shifts.There are 11 permanent shifts available including a supervisors role.All the lads were asking me if i will apply for a supervisors position.If they paid £20/hour then i would think about it.

Tonight i will digest the shifts with her in doors and let them know tomorrow.Today,i prepared a pick and distributed all the items and apparently the well fed area manager will be inspecting tomorrow which is always a laugh.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Ginger and I

Friday 8th October 2010.6am-12pm

Big bust up with the missus last night and there are some big decisions to be made regarding working in this place.Quite simply if my wife is going to successfully achieve her goal of becoming a cabbie then she needs as much time as possible to study.

Friday's are always interesting beacuse the weekend travellers are a mixed bunch but the women are normally attached and their boyfriends hover in the corners keeping an eye on them.They are so insecure they are worried about unscrupulous till assistants chatting them up.

The queen has started working Friday's abd every time a black woman with a large booty walks past he points her out to me.

Terry Thomas was present for an hour and i played a trick on her.She hasn't met the Imman yet and i told her that he does his rounds between 8am-8.30am every morning.She was about to go to the toilet and wash her hands when i told her that the Imman is on his way.Her face dropped and she looked like she was about to shit herself.The power of the management over most of these staff is frightening.

Ginger came on board and as usual we had a good laugh taking the piss out of all the punters.He reckons Guardian readers and the most friendly and the rudest are Daily Mail readers.

There was an incident with a 60 ish year old trumped up bitch that resulted in me crushing the life out of her.I was helping a French couple with directions and it must have taken a few minutes.When they paid for their map a grey haired blue blooded female toff started criticising me for taking too long to get the queue moving.

That was it,i told her that "people like you complain if we don't offer service and when we do you don't like it".

I hadn't finished with her "i knew you would be like this,its written all over your face".

Crushed into a pulp.The ginger was listening intently and it felt good to release some anger on a woman like that.The Imman eventually did the rounds and i still haven't spoken to him.

The assistant manager from Paperchase is proving difficult to engage with even though she has potential.The last 2 days i have noticed the slim blonde arriving for work when i leave.She is very attractive.

Still no permanent contract in place but i think on Monday i will tell them that i only want 2 shifts a week before my sanity is threatened.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

The Legend's health and the new regime.

Wednesday 6th October 2010.6am-12pm

I am now able to clock in using the finger impression technology.Wow,these are heady days indeed!!

I am building up a good rapport with the slow Somalian and even though its difficult to understand him he's got a dry sense of humour in a Somalian way.

There were plenty of Khat jokes and we have a good one going about the Imman.I am trying to see the Imman to sort out a new contract but he was scarce again.

The Algerian is absolutely pumped at the moment because he is shitting himself about the new Imman.
The unit is having a complete makeover with all pricing present and the "planograms" being followed rigidly.

A fringe member of the Pakistani mafia was present today.I haven't seen him for a while because he's allegedly back at university but you can never tell with this lot; if its the truth or fabricated.

The Legend stumbled into the staff room with the Sun,Mirror, and Star and holding a medical chest of medicines.He is looking very pale and has developed excma around the top of his nose.He had chest pains yesterday and suffers from a serious stomach ulcer as well as diabetes and high blood pressure.He went to see his DR after work and was told he should be admitted to hospital immediately.

However,for some reason only known to him he came to work today.He glugged to large spoons of Gavascon and necked a couple of prescribed pills to keep the ulcer in check.He reckons its flared up because of the stress being created by the new regime.

The cockney scrubber has finally moved out of the family home at the age of 30 and into a house share.She will give it 6 months and if it doesn't work out she will go back home.She appears clinically depressed like a lot of the staff in this place.
Whoopi Goldberg was on the scene today,clad in her surgical gloves.The black MILF with the gold teeth was also around and i offered to help her with a big trolley of books.

The Algerian had to handle the book change over himself because the actor is looking at houses in Norwich with his parents and the queen had to go to the dentist because his bridge fell out.He's worried that the well built black security guard he's obsessed with won't be able to kiss him.Deluded or what? He hasn't even spoken to her and he reckons he's in with a chance.Day off tomorrow and its a big day on the potential property consultancy front.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Khat and the Imman

Monday and Tuesday 4th and 5th October 2010.6am -12pm

This week was always going to be trying because the new Imman was due to commence his tenure at the PLC.

The Algerian has returned from Paris and is already causing problems for the staff with his crass behaviour.He asked me whether everything ran smoothly whilst he was away.I replied in the affirmative and told him that it went very smoothly in his absence,but he had to have the last word,"they put extra staff on last week" he squirmed.

This bloke is so insecure he needs to fell indispensable or he gets worries and realises that any old fool could do his job.The Imman buried his head into the computer and all the other supervisors were scared to go in the office.Even the ex-king's assistant was undertaking significant manual work like putting paperback books on the shelves.She is also more friendly that usual.My assessment of this new behaviour is that she was so in awe of the king she just couldn't be herself.I have been trying to work out her sexuality and may well start exploring this further because i am determined to establish which side she bats for.However,i have been wrong twice so far,with the queen and ginger.

I spent a large proportion of Tuesday removing stock and cleaning shelves,it was very depressing and my hands were filthy.

I finally saw the new Imman in close quarters.He's about 40 and unfortunately has the same bedside manner as the king.He stood next to me whilst talking to the Algerian and didn't introduce himself and ignored me.In all my time working in various sectors i have never come across these type of ignorant rude bastards.

The contract negotiations have gone on the back burner but i need to lay it on the line with the Imman.I noticed the rotweiller sucking up to him,and one of many rumours is that he is maybe related to the Imman.

The slow Somalian has a good laugh with me and there was an interesting exchange of view between him and one of the Somalian cleaners.After they had finished their chat he told me that the cleaner is on Khat.For the uninitiated Khat is a root vegetable commonly available in the Yemen and Somalia.It is also available at certain establishments on Edgware Road to those in the know.

In my younger years i used to chew on a bunch of Khat and eventually it produces a similar sensation to consuming Amphetamine sulphate.Apparently,the cleaner is a Khat addict and it explains his erratic behaviour and confrontational temperament.

Needless to say the Imman's arrival has created mass panic in the ranks and the Algerian is trying to create the perfect unit in one day.He showed me how to use a barcode scanner which is networked to a price sticker printer.Its great technology and i was enjoying zapping all the unprice products.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Weekend travellers.

Friday 1st October 2010.6am-12pm

Its the final day of the week and also the final day of peace from the Algerian's absence.

When we arrived this morning the state of the unit was abysmal.There is an unwritten
rule whereby the evening staff leave the unit in a satisfactory state for the following morning.

Instead,they had left 3 empty skips behind the till and lots of products which should have been returned to the shelves.At 6am in the morning it immediately puts you on the back foot because we're always behind the 8 ball.

Slow Somalian and I salvaged the situation with some hard graft and turned it around.In the queen's absence i ran the show and co-ordinated breaks and delegated duties.This job is very easy but made difficult by incompetent staff.

The ex-king's assistant once again remained in her office today and is probably pooing her pants in expectation of the new Iman starting on Monday.

She told me that there is plenty of work available next week if i want it but i declined the invitation and stuck to my usual 24 hours which is more than enough.

I had a dream about Sandy Gall bags.We were crouching next to the travel adaptor section and she stroked my leg and i responded by touching her bottom!!
Fortunately,it didn't go further than that.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The aftermath of Jihad

Wednesday 29th September 2010.6am-12pm

We were mob handed this morning and its very noticeable how all the staff are more relaxed in the Algerian's absence.The job is still being done properly but with a smile on our faces.

The queen has assumed the mantle of stand in supervisor and is revelling in his new found responsibility.I was the thicko's again but i suppose i can just about stomach it.

Since the king has left,his ex-assistant has made herself scarce.I haven't seen her on any of the shop floors,she has gone underground.I assume she must be getting all the paperwork in order before the new man arrives next Monday.

The rumours are still flying around about the new Muslim manager and basically they are all negative and apparently he is a complete bastard.I'm looking forward to it.

I let off some excess resentment about yesterday's show down with the rotweiller and totally ignored him when he walked past me today.This clique is doing my swede in and i am going to try and infiltrate it.I know i'm the wrong colour and religion but i need to see for myself if they are racist bigots.

The action on the floor was ok and there were the usual mixture of weird and wondeful punters.There was a punter who refused to pay the 1p charge for a plastic bag and left all his proposed purchase on the till and stormed off.The Yanks are the most friendly and the Daily Mail readers are the most surly.

The FT readers can be imposing and the gossip readers are always the same.Dressed in Topshop clobber and heavily made up.I played another joke on the actor which he fell for.He is a closet racist and i am now finding out more about his family background.

His father is Srbian and was a chef at the North Middlesex Hospital for 15 years until he developed arthritis.His Mum is a fiery Scot who works in retail on Oxford Street and the punchline is that he is an only child like myself.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Tuesday 28th September 2010.6am-12pm

The Algerian is away this week and i felt the release of pressure that was evident in his absence.

As usual i was paired with the actor,the queen and slow Somalian.The queen,due to his longevity at the PLC,was running the show and trying to organise breaks and tasks.He did ok but required my input when it came to specifics.

The highlight of the day was having a set to with the rotweiller.Word is going around that the new manager is a complete bastard,but because he's from Bangladesh and a Muslim,the fellow brothers are feeling comfortable.The non-Muslims need to be vigilant.

There has been an ongoing problem with the tills.They very rarely have all elements working at the same time and recently the till drawers haven't been opening at all.Basically,we can serve a punter and take their cash and the till won't open so we can't give them change.Its a ridiculous situation and embarrasing for the sales assistants.The actor has been the victim this week and is made to look even more stupid than normal when his till doesn't open.I arrive for work slightly early in order to claim the best till,this is what it's come to!!

Engineers have been called out and last week i spent 30 minutes following instructions on the phone whilst crouching on a filthy floor fiddling with wires.

3 Muslims strode into the unit at approximately 11am,they were the rotweiller,the slim Indian cricketer and the Sri Lankan night supervisor.They walked in like they owned the place.I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to raise the till situation again.

I summoned the rotweiller to the counter and said,"There is another problem with the till,what's going on?"
"The fault has been reported" he added.
"According to the engineer i spoke to last week,no-one has reported any faults since April" i continued.I was buzzing and spoiling for a confrontation.
"They are talking bull shit" he said defensively.
"Its your word against there's and if you think i'm going to crawl around on the floor dealing with your issues then forget it" i retorted.
"You have to do that" he ventured.
"According to who? You or the management" i snapped.
In a state of bewilderment all he could offer was "the parts have been ordered".
"Why didn't you tell us,we're very busy at the front line and quite frankly the situation is a joke" i said.
"We haven't got time to tell you these things" he replied.

That was that,off he trotted with the Muslim mafia and i would stake a months wages on him slagging off the "white boy" to the clique.

I felt empowered because these Muslim's think they own the place and i will not back down.Slow boy witnessed the incident and said"well done,i could never stand up for myself like that".

Roll on Thursay when i have a meeting with a major player in the old career who called out of the blue after 18 months.I need to get out of this place before there is a Holy War.

Monday, 27 September 2010

First day of the new regime...

Monday 27th September 2010.6am-12pm

The mornings are getting colder and darker.The 5.24am from Swiss Cottage is very reliable and there is a regular crew on the bus at that time of day.Presumably,most of them are like me,shift workers.

It was supposed to be the first day of the new manager but the Algerian informed me that he won't be starting until next week.
The good news is that the Algerian is going to Paris tomorrow for 5 days to stay with some Algerian terrorists.

It was the queen and the actor for the duration of the shift.I felt very relaxed today because this job is just so bloody easy.
The English girl with French glamour appeared after a 2 month absence.She's been working nights for a while,we exchanged pleasantries and she went on her way.

I was bored so i played a trick on the actor.We have a policy where you are only allowed to keep £5 notes and 4 x £10 notes in the till.If there are any other notes in the till the mangagement can serve a disciplinary on the staff.The actor always leaves his till overflowing with readies.

I told him that there is a massive clampdown on till management and if they find you with the incorrect number of £10 in the till then they will give you a warning.He fell for it hook,line and sinker.He made his usual "aaaarrrr" noises and enquired as to whom can give the warnings.
I suggested he clears the till out asap because the Algerian is on the war path.Immediately,he distributed the excess wonga into the counter cash boxes under every till.

I didn't have a break today because the scheduling was disorganised.I have made a note and will let the king's assistant know.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Police State and The King is dead....

Monday 20th September - Friday 24th September 2010.

It was an intriguing week with lots of changes and one very disturbing scene.
The previous week i had been bed bound with a case of "man flu".The night sweats were savage and at times i felt like i was in Dahab lying on a flea ridden mattress with mosquitos buzzing around my head looking for my blood.

There have been numerous contract discussions with the King's assistant and so far they have proved fruitless.
She has offered me night hours because she claims these are the only permanent shifts available even though there are never enough staff.

I have impose a deadline of 2nd week of October to get this sorted or i will move on from this depressing establishment.

Monday was uneventful at work just the usual grind and the pleasure of working with the 3 thickest members of the organisation namely:Slow boy,the actor,and the brain dead Somalian.

The Cockney scrubber and the Legend have been notified of disciplinary hearings due to consistently poor TPS.The scrubber was almost in tears and fell head long into a depressive state for the rest of the week.She was due to move into a houseshare at the age of 30 and was worried this hearing may lead to dismissal.

The Legend was more circumspect about the disciplinary and already had his case mapped out.Obviously,this news travelled like wild fire around the staff and the theory is that the PLC are trying to sweep out the dead wood and this is a good way to begin.

The food fridge broke down on Tuesday with large pools of water swilling across the shop floor.The Algerian was more interested in blaming me for not informing him of rising temperatures in the fridge which showed up on the temperature probe.I told him i've had no training for this process but i suggested politely that they get the fridge repaired before they are on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

However,an incident occured which disturbed me greatly.It was Wednesday morning at approximately 8.15am when i looked out of the unit and saw an argument between a mentally ill middle aged homeless alcoholic and a copper from the British Transport Police (BTP).The copper did a leg sweep on the homeless man whilst muttering "lets get you on the floor then".They both fell on the concrete surface and after writhing around on the floor another 5 old bill arrived as back up.

There were 6 members of the old bill holding down an unwell man.Of course this was in full view of members of the public.I immediately tried to form a steering committee to gather opinions on the incident.Most people were appalled at what they saw and some tried to raise complaints on the spot with the plastic police aka Community Support Officers.

I made a decision to make a formal complaint to the authorities on the grounds of excessive force.
After work on Wednesday i went to the BTP office in the station and attempted to make a complaint.Eventually,i was dealt with by a senior career copper with a white beard and probably 25 years service.I have seen him before and appears very chummy with all the shop units,and in fact saw him get a peck on the cheek by one of the iron hoof's who works at Boots.

The conversation i had with him was very interesting because he tried to manipulate me into dropping all enquiries.I told him that i was ashamed to be a Londoner and had never seen that type of brutality used against an apparently defenceless individual.

This was like a red rag to a bull.He claimed that i should have assisted his colleague and not automatically assumed that the BTP were in the wrong.
He then used the CCTV angle on me claiming that the offender was known to the authorities and was caught stealing from our unit.

I was present in the unit from 6am on the morning in question and i maintain this is a fabrication.The attitude of the senior copper was arrogance and he maxde me feel that i was in the wrong and let them do their job however they want.

Little did he know that his arrogance has made me even more determined to pursue this potential case of police brutality.

Friday was the king's final day!!He has kept it quiet for weeks and is going to another unit within the PLC.He had printed out a letter for all the staff "wishing us all the best in the future and he had thoroughly enjoyed working with us for these last 3 years..."

The supervisors were buzzing with lots of conversations taking place in dark corners.The new manager is a Bangladeshi and as a white boy i need to be careful.Ginger surfaced today which was a pleasure to converse with someone who can hold a conversation in unbroken English and he knows the score.He informed me that one of the Bangla weekend supervisor's is a racist and said "Israel is a boil".

I let this brush over me but made a mental note to provoke him the next time i see him and then make a complaint about racism in the workplace.

I'm on the 6am shifts again next week and will be regularly updating again.

Friday, 10 September 2010

The return of Bollywood

Friday 10th September 2010.7am-2pm

Somehow i'm still managing to get out of bed in the morning for this demeaning worthless job.3 hours in the mortuary with hardly any punters to serve but a good reading session in which all the broadsheets were devoured wigth the hunger of someone whose brain is turning lazy.

Thank god i was released from my purgatory when Ebony turned up at 10am.A swift 30 minutes in the usual unit was followed by a break where i dined with the Asian Terry Thomas who once again was speaking pigeon English.

There were no staff and the 2 Algerians had manipulated a night shift because of the end of Ramadan.They finished at 7.30am and were both clean shaven and looking reasonably smart.The queen had also been in since 2am and they hadn't allowed him a break because they were obsessed about stuffing their fat faces with food.

The actor was present until 12 and as usual was his normal self.No conversation and lots of "arrrrr" noises.I tried to engage with him but to no avail.The king's assistant had prepared a cage which i duly drove to the unit and distributed accordingly.The actor helped me and just as he was leaving i forced him to take back the empty cage with 3 bags of rubbish in situ.He looked reluctant but i used the King as a threat to him.So,it now looks like i've started taking advantage of him and its perfectly acceptable because he's so bloody gormless.

The day was brightened up when Bollywood arrived wearing an oversized standard T shirt advertising chewing gum.She has a cold and chesty cough.I remarked that the pink T shirt was more attractive,what i didn't add was that it showed off her breasts more.

Once again she was tired and admits she's a very lazy woman/girl.
It was all over again and each day my life has started flashing before me in this place.I need to come up with another plan because another 6 months in here could result in me losing my mind.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Depression and rasta boy.

Wednesday 8th September 2010.7am-2pm

Another 3 hours on my own in the quiet unit.It was very disturbing because i started thinking about wasted opportunites and felt depressed.

This started out as a 3 month summer job to get out of the house and now i need to beg the king's assistant for a permanent full time contract.

Ebony starts at 10am every day but because its book day i stay on the till whilst she changes the books over.I managed to get her to open up slightly about her life but she is a very closed person.

So far,i have established that she is a single mum with a 19 year old daughter.She has a freelance hairdressing business from home which supplements her income.None of the management take the piss out of her because she's too scary for that.They leave her alone and she does the time and goes home on time.

The Algerian was in today after a 24 hour recovery at home.He's still unwell and wrapped up with fleece jumpers.It was interesting today because when i was having my break i managed to listen to the King and the Algerian talking about wage rises in the managers office.

I cupped my ear to the wall and had a good listen.The Algerian was being scolded by the king,in much the same way a father tells off his child for not listening,for not waering a tie to work.This discussion went on for about 3 minutes with the King suggesting he goes to a shop in Wembley Park to buy his ties.Then,they got down to business.From what i could understand,a supervisor can either take a maximum hourly salary of £8.12p or a percentage of monthly profit on the unit they manage.
The Algerian took the hourly wage and they finished the meeting laughing together.

The King has tremendous power over the supervisors and they are terrified of him.

At 1pm i went down to the usual unit and had 2 disturbing experiences working with rasta boy.

An elderly French woman was trying to purchase a copy of Le Figaro when i heard the following exchange of views,"You are very rude aren't you?" rasta boy said.
He continued with "Don't throw the money down on the till i deserve to be treated better than that,in this country we put the money in the hand not on the counter" he was furious and had lost the plot.
The poor woman didn't speak English very well and departed the unit in a state of shock.

Then 5 minutes later he did it again to a defenceless English toff.However,she wasn't going to take this abuse lying down.

"Oh my god,oh my god,oh my god you are supposed to be offering me a service" she said in shock.

"I don't care i'm not your servant,throwing the money on the till isn't acceptable" he answered aggressively.
"I'm going to tell the management immediately about your appaling behaviour" she replied.
"Good,my name is ........ and you can find a manager in the big unit down there" he hissed whilst swearing under his breath.

I had a brief word with him but he had become a different person.He is frustrated at being at the PLC so long and its affecting his mental health.I can relate to that already and i've been here 3 months.

After my shift finished i went to see the king's assistant and tried to negotiate a new contract.They can't give me a 30 hour/wk permanent contract just 24 hours a week for the next 4 weeks and then maybe a vacancy may have come up.

I can't allow them to keep me hanging on like a kid waiting for his weekly pocket money.Maybe its time to move on.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Tube Strike

Tuesday 7th September 2010.7am-2pm

An early start again and left home in plenty of time to avoid the predictable road chaos.

Arrived on time and once again was summoned to the quiet unit.The Algerian had finally taken a day off,which was well deserved.

Of course this meant that all the early crew were more relaxed.The queen came up to my unit with the albino.He still hasn't plucked up the courage to ask out the burly black female security guard.He is very insecure around the women and uses me as a sounding board.I told him that unless he asks her on a date then she will never know that he likes her.

The albino was being very crude as usual which isn't in keeping with the principles of Ramadan.Fortunately,the black MILF arrived at 10am at which point i went for my break.

The legend was munching on some budget scones from Lidl and we somehow started talking about heavyweight boxing.Obviously,this descended into savage criticism of great fighters.

He doesn't rate Lennox Lewis and called him a "lazy fighter".Apparently,its easy to win an Olympic gold medal.I made my excuses and went to investigate the possibility of going to Finchley to collect my boy from school after work.The Northern Line was running normally so i called HID (her in doors) to tell her the good news that i would be collecting him.

I returned to the other unit where i met the actor and the queen.Business was much slower today so there wasn't much hard graft to do.I like the hard grunt because it makes the shift go quicker.

I got talking to a lovely Canadian cougar who was in London overnight before flying home tomorrow.I have noticed that a lot of women don't wear bra's especially foreign women.

The shift was over and i walked briskly to Euston station to make my way to the suburbs.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Boring Boring Boring

Monday 6th September 2010.7am-2pm

Its a big week this week but the 7am starts make a big difference.
I was shunted up to the dead unit and feared the worst.A day in that place is enough to make Paul McKenna depressed.

Its ugly and old Nothern women with the occasional Eurostar straggler.The Algerian's cold has taken a turn for the worse.He now has a full beard and was wearing two fleece tops zipped up to the neck.

"Are you still unwell?" i ventured.
"Its terrrible mate,i was just about to leave a message for the king and tell him i can't work when the queen called me and said he couldn't come in" he replied.

I felt sympathy for him,he works his balls off for the PLC and doesn't realise that his health is more important.Ramadan hasn't finished yet so he's in a bad way.

It was the usual shtick.Running between the cage of stock and the till like a demented fool.However,it was so quiet i managed to read most of the papers and especially liked the Wayne Rooney story.

I also asked the Algerian to have a word with the king's assistant about some new hours.He will try and help and because he likes having me working on his shift hopefully he will swing it.

There was no excitement today and no attractive women to write about.

Contract Negotiations

Friday 3rd September 2010.2pm-6pm

Its the last day of the short shifts and i have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the PLC for at least the next 12 months.

I had a quick chat with the sex bomb and took 2 fruitellas from her.She smiled seductively as i walked out of the staff room.

Sandy Gall bags was her usual bubbly self and i told her that i would now like a permanent full time position.She said she would tell the king's assistant and try and help me out.

I proceeded to the usual unit and was greeted by the Noel Clarke extra who i hadn't worked with since i trained him up all those weeks ago.

He's an ok bloke.He is grateful to have a job whilst maintaining the manufactured street image of lots of young London males.

He doesn't have the confidence or desire to undertake banter with the punters.He also has his mobile with him and is regularly sending emails and texts on his crackberry.

Its amazing that almost everyone from lowly paid workers to senior executives now possesses a blackberry.All i know is that when i had one it took over my life and nearly cost me my marriage.

The phone went and my stomach doesn't turn over anymore because i'm so comfortable in this job.

The king's assistant asked me what hours i would like next week and i told her about my change of circumstances.I requested a permanent full time position and preferably 6am-2pm 4 days a week.

After a short silence she uttered the immortal line,"I will play with the figures and come back to you".

This is a line she uses regularly and of course is a ploy used by management in all sectors to buy time.

I hope it works out but the uncertainty will have an impact on my weekend.

Friday, 3 September 2010

Slovakian stripper.

Thursday 2nd September 2010.2pm-10pm

I had agreed to work more hours today but was reeling from the news that i will have to pay full tuition fees if i wish to undertake the 3 year full time degree.

I was cheered up by the site of the Slovakian sex bomb in the staff room.She hasn't batted an eyelid at me in all the time i have worked at the PLC.Our hours are different so our paths don't cross.Not any more!!!!

She was wearing an all in one black trouser suit which showed off her well proportioned ripe melons.

I was reading a magazine which she snatched out of my hand playfully and started a conversation about gossip magazines and how she hated celebrities.

The only other person in the staff room was the Giraffe who seems permanently depressed and doesn't talk anyway apart from grunting noises.

The sex bomb started to change in front of me whilst attempting to slip her official pink tight PLC t-shirt under her top.

"If you are shy you should maybe change in the toilet" i chortled.
"I am ok changing here and i'm not shy" she replied.

So,an interesting first communication between us.She is very close to Sandy Gall bags and probably doesn't know i'm married.

I have a few tales about her.Rasta boy reckons he's been trying but hasn't made any progress and the albino took her number but failed to meet her for a coffee in Tottenham.She allegedly told rasta boy recently that she needs sex!!

Albino thinks she is a tease.When i reached the unit to start my shift the Algerian was clearing out all the Richard and Judy book club promotional material and kicking it along the concourse.After 1 day the club had been ditched and all the books returned whence they came.He was furious and what's more when Judy was questioned on their show that morning where the launch had taken place she didn't know!!

Yet again the unit was a complete mess probably due to the fact that the queen doesn't work on Friday mornings and i haven't been in to get the place organised.

It was mainly till work and sales of Tony Blair's new book were quite brisk.It was reduced to £12.50 from £25 within 24 hours of the launch.I noticed its mainly foreigners buying the book who appear more interested in it than the Brits.

There were a few attractive women but i was making plans in my head all shift for life instead of university.I worked with the anorexic kitchen sink for 2 hours.Yesterday she was doubled over with PMT pain and at one stage went pale and nearly collapsed.

The sex bomb surfaced to cash up and has a mouth like a sewer.She likes using expletives which quite frankly makes a woman very unattractive no matter how they look.
Her parting comment was "Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow".

Richard and Judy

Wednesday 1st September 2010.2pm-6pm

The previous day there had been lots of activity with new books and a scheme called the "Richard and Judy Book Club".

When i arrived Sandy Gall bags was in her finest bib and tucker but she could never scrub up well.You know how they say that owners start to resemble their dogs,she falls into that category.

Apparently Richard and Judy turned up and had some photos taken in all of the units whilst promoting some new books on a buy 1 get 1 free deal.

They didn't talk to any of the staff or punters and just went upstairs to the champagne bar to quaff finest quality bubbly with some seafood.

The staff were scathing of their arrogance and furthermore they had an entourage of 10 people ranging from make up to PA's.

A consequence of this "media event" was that all the work had been chanelled into the launch and the unit resembled a kids birthday party.

The Algerian had a heavy cold which obviously made his suspect temperament even more suspect.I did my Red Adair impression and within 2 hours we were ahead of the game again.

The Slovak sex bomb has been made night supervisor which could be interesting.These 4 hours shifts fly by but working with rasta boy and the asian DJ is a laugh.

The Asian DJ had a disciplinary this week and the CCTV evidence found in his favour.This now leaves Somalian security facing a misconduct charge due to incorrect procedure when dealing with a suspected shoplifter.Apparently,he accused the DJ of not arresting the suspect even though we are only sales assistants.A plastic policeman then got involved and the whole situation desended into a Whitehall farce in front of the punters.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010


Tuesday 31st August 2010.2pm-6pm

The first of the new shifts got underway in my usual unit.I have taken over the hours vacated by the fat Indian bird who has departed for Mumbai and a job,probably lined up by Dad,in Singapore commencing in January 2011.

The afternoon dynamic is a bit different.The business is steady rather than frenetic.
It looks like i will be working with rasta boy all week which is always a good laugh.

A French asian woman approached the till and sked for some AAA batteries.I usually ask the punter to double check the batteries because if they open the packet they won't get a refund.

She reached into her handbag and pulled out a black travel vibrator and proceeded to pull the dildo out of the see through tube.She bought it from Ann Summers and i couldn't resist asking her if she had used it yet.She didn't understand the question but we established that the batteries were unsuitable.We didn't stock the batteries she required and she went on her merry way.

That's what makes this menial job interesting and keeps me coming back for more.
When i told rasta boy what had happened he stood there gawping at me and wondering why things like that don't happen to him!!

He reckons he would have made a move on her based on the evidence available.In reality he is getting more frisky by the day but his approach is all wrong.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

The end of full time work.

Friday 27th August 2010.6am - 2pm

Fortunately its the final early shift of the week.I wrote a note in the management diary telling the king's assistant i can't work any early shifts next week and i would like to reduce my hours.

I expected it to be very busy today because its bank holiday and there are lots of sporting events going on over the weekend.

The new Islamic girl who does the papers from 5am couldn't open the cage so subsequently we were running late.Slow boy arrived to help her out and she has realised that no matter how desperate she is for a job she can't shlepp bundles of heavy newspapers around.

Actor Dave was present again today for his usual 8am -12pm shift.Even though he has began to come out of his shell he is reactive rather than proactive.For example,I told him to phone the rotweiller and order some more cash because the next person will run out of change very quickly.His repsonse was,"i'm finishing at 12 so they can deal with it".
Another incident involved the new tobacco stock.He stood next to the skip full of tobacco and ignored it knowing full well that it needed to be displayed asap.

The Algerian relaxes slightly on Friday's because he has 2 days off and presumably just sleeps and tries to pick up large breasted black girls.

It was all hands to the pump with hundreds of eager travellers hungry and thirsty.
A cleaner from the station requested a phone top up but was rude and ill mannered.I told her to show some respect and i'm not her "lackey".In reality that's how low i've fallen this summer.Of course not in reality but how we are perceived by the general public.A large percentage of punters are unwilling to engage in banter especially the women who think they have the looks of models.In reality these women have the personality of ants.

I was hoping that the stunning French woman with the great teeth turned up but i haven't even seen the flat chested blonde for a while.

My break this week has coincided with the Legend and he arrives in the staff room aka le shit hole with the Sun,Star and Mirror newspapers.All he does is talk non stop when i'm trying to read quietly something a little more highbrow.He is a classic blinkered football fan.He hates every manager,every team and every player except the Gooners.He refuses to admit that Arsenal need to toughen up and reckons Jose Mourhino is a crap manager who will only win trophies with pots of cash.

He is partial to a 50p accumulator at the weekends and he claims he just missed out on a win last weekend but the Benfica result didn't go his way.I felt like telling him to shut up and shove those custard tarts up his you know what.

I suppose i will miss him because my new part time hours won't coincide with his hours.The Algerian reckons slow boy smokes too much and there was a moment today when we looked at each other and burst out laughing when we saw slow boy in action.

This new Asian arrived who thinks he's scarface.He has a knife scar going from his ear to his mouth where he has definitely been shanked.He will work 1 day a week and i don't know how the plc get hold of these staff.They are probably the only people who apply for these menial positions.

I had a quick chat with the king and his assistant before i left and they would like to accomodate me when i start university in 2 weeks time.

Its back to part time hours after the bank holiday.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

No man's land and back to the old routine.

Wedneday 25th August 2010.6am-2pm.

2 hours with the queen and 2 hours with the actor.The actor admitted to me that he hates the Algerian and is bearing serious resentments.
I told him that "resentment is the number one offender and kills more alcoholics than anything else".

They made him stay until 1.30pm which is an hour and a half overtime unpaid.He's so scared of speaking up for himself he lets them walk all over him.

I was summoned to the loading bay to commence the unloading of 18 cages full to the brim.Apparently when the Algerian saw the stock arriving he ran away because he didn't want to take responsibility for the paperwork.That sums this place up,everyone passing the buck but eventually there is no one left to pass the buck to.

I cracked on with vigour and i noticed every 20 minutes either the King's assistant or the Algerian would come into the stock room pretending to be busy but actually they were checking up on me.

I called the Algerian's bluff and asked him what he wanted.He pretended to be looking for some stationary and when i confronted him he started leaning on the wall and faking exhaustion.He is maybe tired because of Ramadan and his fat belly isn't being filled as much as he would like.

All they are interested in is how many cages have been done?It's a numbers game a bit like estate agency but the staff are just a number.It was a good physical work out but my neck was starting to hurt.

This stock work is mind numbingly boring and exhausting.After work i then had to collect from the child minder on Hampstead Heath.These early starts are killing me!!

Thursday 26th August 2010.6am-2pm.

Thankfully,my day returned to normal.The delivery was handled by one of the Pakistani mafia and i was free to resume normal duties.

However,there was a catch,I was working with slow boy and the actor.A great deal of patience was required because these 2 characters need spoon feeding all the time.
The Algerian's first request was to ask me to drain the water from the ice cream freezer.He thought toilet paper would soak up a near flood in the freezer!!

I explained that the best course of action is for me tip the freezer at an angle and he collects the excess water using a Costa coffee cup.So we stood there for 10 minutes whilst he collected filthy water from a freezer and tipped it into a refuse sack.At the end of the process i remarked,"its the wrong weather for ice creams".
He smiled wryly.

A stunning French woman purchased a Time Out and some chewing gum.I mistakenly thought she was a tourist but in the space of 2 minutes i had established that she has lived in London for 3 years, resides in Bethnal Green, and her dentist is in Swiss Cottage.
We discussed the Notting Hill carnival but she won't be going this year.She was probably 27 years old with long black hair and great teeth.I have a feeling that she has been in to the unit every day this week but we'll see what happens tomorrow.

After my lunch break i bumped into the Algerian waddling along the station concourse.He had a "till operative" report in his hand and wanted me to sign it.It describes the individual's performance and they give you a lecture of it doesn't look ok.

I took it back to the unit and wrote a paragraph explaining why each operation had been carried out.I knew this would destroy his balance and sure enough when he came to collect the signed document he looked at the comments and said,"I just wanted you to sign it".

Surprise surprise i thought."I have given the management constructive comments and you must understand that we have a voice as well" i commented.

As i was leaving the Scottish nag aka Sandy Gall bags gave me another file note for poor TPS performance.I considered writing a whole spiel but in the end i couldn't be bothered and that,in a nutshell,describes this place.It sucks the life out of you and the staff lose the will to carry on.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Delivery Man

Tuesday 24th August 2010.6am - 2pm

After helping 2 Polish ladies with their luggage i joined up with the queen again who had a body building magazine on the counter.He reckons he will join a gym and have the discipline to gain muscle definition.

At 10am the call came through that i would be handling the deliveries again.I had to keep the rotweiller in check because he is treating me like his "dog" and i won't allow that.

He is impressed at my work ethic because he has "never seen a white man work hard before".Interesting observation but maybe that's why there are only 2 white males working in this place.

There were 21 cages to be distributed in the stock room.The rotweiller was implying that i should be able to complete all of them.

Not a chance there is simply too much to do and he even had the nerve to ask me to stay late and complete the job.I managed 17 cage and more importantly tidied up the stock room as well as pile items in the correct way.

Bloody hard work but cheaper than going to the gym and as beneficial for my forearms.

Monday, 23 August 2010

The Skivvy

Monday 23rd August 2010.6am -2pm

I arrived in reasonable shape but 5 minutes late.I noticed that one of the slow Somalians had taken my regular berth with the queen.

The dude with the Michael Jackson hairdo circa 1970's delegated the magazines to me.
I shlepped 2 heavy cages full of magazines and distributed them.On a Monday the only change overs are Hello! and Ok! so it was a basic task which i completed in about an hour.

I then held the fort at the small unit upstairs which was incredibly boring.The highlight was reading the sports section in the Torygraph.

I was relieved of my duties by,the getting more attractive by the day black lady with the silver teeth and Jimmy Tarbuck gap.

It was at this point the Algerian dropped the bombshell,"the large Pakistani unit's wife had a baby last night and won't be in for a while".

This meant i would be dealing with deliveries and undertaking serious physical work.I attacked the cages with relish and prove that white boys can still work hard.
The rotweiller was loving seeing me working my bollocks off and at one point told me to take the mop and clean a spillage in one of the units.

At this point i felt like a skivvy but its all part of the process and i'm now full qualified in all duties at the PLC.I was sweating whilst lugging cases of soft drinks from the cages to the storage pallets.I felt my forearms increase in size during the day.

The final 30 minutes were spent with rasta boy where i tried it on with an American of about 35 who collects "shot" glasses everywhere she goes.Rasta boy pointed out that her partner was watching the incident unfold.She was blonde and very attractive but the diamond engagement ring was a giveaway.

I asked the Algerian 3 times whether the deliveries were going to be my regular slot this week but incredibly he couldn't tell me. The king's assistant is back from 3 weeks in St Tropez with her friends.She saves up all year for a 3 week blowout on the French riviera.I tried to discuss my contract arrangements but of course she was too busy.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Area Manager,Elvis Presley DVD's and Brigitte Nielsen.

Tuesday 17th August 2010.6am - 2pm

Only 4 hours sleep and a new journey to work.It was pissing down when i set off with my cashmere jumper and golf umbrella.

The first tube is an interesting sight.Lowly paid night workers on their way home and charged up City bods dressed up and ready to take on the world.

Once again,no bath and unshaven and my hair is beginning to resemble a birds nest with flecks of paint noticeable.

Thank G-d i was sent to the queen for the day and we are quite close now.He loves it when i flirt with the punters and mutters my name under his breath when he has heard a flirting exchange with the female punters.

A large Italian arrived at the till with a street map.As usual i asked her how long she was in London for.The reply was 3 days but she didn't know where to go.

I suggested that the best way is to find a nice London male to show her the sights.Her eyes lit up at this suggestion but she was deflated when i told her i'm married.

At approximately 9am The Algerian stormed in with an empty stomach and bulging eyes and informed us both that "we have a visit today,all breaks are cancelled until we sort out the unit".

All spaces had to be filled and tidied and the correct prices had to be displayed.I was told to tidy the drugs cabinet and display the disposable cameras.

The Algerian was like a caged animal handing out bollockings at will.He tore into the queen when the queen was helping a punter.The albino had failed to arrive claiming he had overslept.Later in the day it transpired that he had allegedly been arrested on a bus trying to dodge a fare.That has to be the most pathetic excuse i have ever heard but at least he tried.

The rumour started to circulate that the overfed area manager had arrived.The Algerian kept on phoning every 5 minutes to see if he had arrived.He was shitting himself.Even the king came in and moved one magazine into the correct position.The first bit of maual labour i have seen him undertake.

I was despatched to the small unit and the usual lady from that unit was sent to another unit to create a false impression of adequate staffing numbers.

The over fed area manager waddled in with the King.The King exchanged pleasantries with me which once again was an illusion to impress the over fed area manager.

He commented that the unit was quiet.I misheard and launched into a lecture about how i'd only turned up 15 minutes ago and i wasn't sure on how our turnover had been that day.His final comment was "you're never short of something to say are you?" as he waddled off into the sunset with his regulation ill fitting cheap charcoal suit.
The king had been taking notes during the inspection but in reality it was just to impress his superior.

I went back downstairs and had a mince with the Algerian and the queen who were both congratulating themselves because fat boy had apparently said "i am impressed with this unit".

The Algerian was hanging on every word and then started to tell me that his unit turns over £40k/week.He looked 10 years younger when the inspection was complete.

Wednesday 18th August 2010.6am -2pm

I had gone to bed early so felt fresher than i had and had managed to have a bath.
The queen works hard and so do i so we work well together.
He fancies this tall muscular black security guard but hasn't the courage to ask her out on a date.

I asked what had happened to the 21 year old Cameroonian who lives in Belgium that he met recently.He replied "out of sight out of mind".
Book change over day brings its own set of issues and they normally involve the actor,the Algerian,and the cockney scrubber.

The actor absolutely dreads Wednesday's.He knows he'll finish late and get bollocked by the Algerian.The actor has been working 8am - 12pm Monday - Friday for nearly 3 years but still can't handle irate punters or long queues of thirsty punters who are paying £1.65 for warm bottles of Coke..

I was thinking about the flat chested blonde again but maybe she has left because the turn over of staff in the station must be huge.

Thursday 19th August 2010.Day off.

Friday 20th August 2010.6am - 2pm

My wife's birthday.I left my wife her birthday cards before i left at 5.15am.The tube seems to be the best way to travel even though its more expensive.

There is a new member of staff doing the 5am paper shift.She is a devout Muslim with full regalia.It's her second week and she has taken my favourite till.I'm never sure if its etiquette to shake their hands so i introduce myself and keep my hands by my side.Fortunately,i only stayed with her until 8am because i was spending all my time telling her how to do things which i have started to find tiresome.

The female Terry Thomas turned up with her fake "Hello's" and her ridiculous attempts to make the punters go from Snickers to £1 bar of Galaxy's.She also visits the loos incessantly which means by the time she comes back i'm overloaded with punters.

I was called to the big unit where i worked with cockney scrubber and the fringe member of the Pakistani mafia. At the end of the week the scrubber's patience is stretched to breaking point.She is tired and her voice raises 3 octaves.

I clocked a slim peroxide blonde/white hair in the queue and as she drew closer i noticed her chest had benefited from silicon implants.At the same time i was engaging in conversation with her the albino turned up with a cage.He looked at me and i looked at him and i collapsed in a fit of giggles reminiscent of the first time i smoked marijuana.She was a younger version of Brigitte Nielsen and i just about completed the transaction of Tropicana Original with juicy bits before i started laughing.

This incident cheered me up no end and gave me the extra boost i needed to finish the shift.My TPS was very impressive today and according to the league tables i finished 6th on Wednesday.Bearing in mind i served 553 punters that's a good result.
I had a chat with the King before i left.He gave me my hours for next week,which are early shifts and i tried to discuss the expiration of my contract on 27th August.He told me we will sit down with his assistant next week.

Saturday 21st August 2010.8am - 2pm

A pleasant 6 hour shift awaited me as i saw the stubby Pakistani weekend supervisor.I will be working with Terry Thomas all day and i just had to bite my tongue.As discussed previously,Saturday's are generally more relaxed but today 3 incidents took place which concerned me considerably.

I had 3 arguments with 3 punters.The first was with a middle aged man who didn't queue in the right channel.He placed his heavy magazines on the adjoining till.I asked him to bring them over to my till.His reaction was negative and accused me of blocking the counter with bars of chocolate as per my new system of TPS.

He told me that "i don't want to be greeted by bars of chocolate when i have to put my items down".
"I'm not going to argue with you" i replied aggressively.

By this time he was fuming and so was i.He wouldn't let it go and nor would i.In the end i served him as politely as possible and he went on his way muttering under his breath.

The second incident involved a mixed race couple buying a Kit Kat.At the same time they approached the till i was involved in a heated debate with an anal trainspotter who had bought the Daily Mail just for the free Elvis Presley DVD.
"We didn't receive any today even though we have had them all week" i explained.
He couldn't let go of this situation and apparently whilst this was going on,i handled the Kit Kat aggressively whilst taking the money from the mixed race couple.

The reason i was talking to the trainspotter was because Terry Thomas didn't have a sufficient grasp of English to appease him.Her English is pathetic and i frequently bail her out of situations she can't deal with.

The couple accused me of throwing the Kit Kat at them.I was shocked at this accusation because i always try and offer the best service i can.I explained that i would never intentionally handle Kit Kat's aggresively.They also wouldn't let it go but i manage to move them on by being patronising.

The 3rd incident was the most amusing.A middle aged woman of about 50 approached the till and demanded that i move the Galaxy bars out of the way so she can put her hand bag down on the counter.
I refused and told her its company policy.This was like a red rag to a bull.She launched into a diatribe about how people are getting angry at pressurised selling in most retailers."We will all start to boycott the stores and you will lose money" she continued.

"We don't need your money because people have to shop with us because we have an exclusive contract in every station and airport in the country" i replied.

This comment completely crushed her but she came back for more like a wounded animal.
"Don't you feel aggrieved at this pressured selling" she asked.
"No,i love it because it gives me a chance to interact with the punters instead of being a robot" i answered.
"Wouldn't you like to talk about other things rather than sweets and chocolate" she countered.
"No,i like talking about sweets and chocolate it floats my boat" i concluded.

Off she went cursing under her breath.At 2pm the Pakistani and Bengali mafia arrived.The slim Indian graduate,the Polish muslim in a rather ornate Islamic outfit,Russell and Ginger all started their shifts as i walked out into the August drizzle.

Ramadan and Sandwiches

Monday 16th August 2010.6am - 2pm

This is the beginning of a week of early shifts.We moved home at the weekend but in true Lithuanian style the refurbishment works weren't completed.

My son and I stayed at a friends house and unbeknown to me my son had fractured his collarbone on Sunday afternoon but i didn't take him to A & E until nearly 24 hours after the event.

I haven't bathed in 2 days and can't find any of my toiletries and am beginning to smell like i work in a Spanish brothel.

A consequence of Ramadan is that most of the staff are fasting during the day and subsequently have an excuse to phone in ill during the fasting period.

A fringe member of the Pakistani mafia phoned at 6.20am claiming to be unwell.This meant that the already threadbare team for the morning were going to be under severe pressure again.

The stocky Sri Lankan cricketer and the albino summoned me to the loading bay at approximately 6.45am to accept the Fu Go delivery.

I arrived to find an ageing delivery driver with white hair and a limp shlepping 2 huge boxes of fresh food out of the articulated lorry.My job was to place the boxes in 2 cages and count the number of items received.

Fortunately the queen was present to assist me in this task and i took the cage to the big unit where i unloaded all the fresh food which included,sandwiches,baguettes,sushi,pasta salads and fruit salads.Needless to say we charge more than Marks and Sparks.

I had the pleasure of working with the Cockney scrubber,who was subdued today.She had been to the Cotswolds with her Mum and Dad and arrived back late on Sunday night.
Even though my first thought was "what is a 30 year old woman going away with her parents for?" part of me was jealous because i stopped going away with my parents when i was 12 years old.

She didn't know the name of the village she stayed in because,"her Dad did the driving".

The compliments were flowing from the scrubber and she loves working with me and it was quite pleasant working with an English speaking person who understands instructions first time.

Thankfully,the ginger arrived at 12.30pm and he was buzzing.We had a riot for about an hour but he was moved to another unit.He is following the diary and goes along with it.He needs to be more discrete when voicing his opinions because the punters have been hearing his comments.I had a word with him and he'll learn with experience.

By the end of the shift i was struggling to stay focused due to sheer exhaustion and stress with move.