Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Area Manager,Elvis Presley DVD's and Brigitte Nielsen.

Tuesday 17th August 2010.6am - 2pm

Only 4 hours sleep and a new journey to work.It was pissing down when i set off with my cashmere jumper and golf umbrella.

The first tube is an interesting sight.Lowly paid night workers on their way home and charged up City bods dressed up and ready to take on the world.

Once again,no bath and unshaven and my hair is beginning to resemble a birds nest with flecks of paint noticeable.

Thank G-d i was sent to the queen for the day and we are quite close now.He loves it when i flirt with the punters and mutters my name under his breath when he has heard a flirting exchange with the female punters.

A large Italian arrived at the till with a street map.As usual i asked her how long she was in London for.The reply was 3 days but she didn't know where to go.

I suggested that the best way is to find a nice London male to show her the sights.Her eyes lit up at this suggestion but she was deflated when i told her i'm married.

At approximately 9am The Algerian stormed in with an empty stomach and bulging eyes and informed us both that "we have a visit today,all breaks are cancelled until we sort out the unit".

All spaces had to be filled and tidied and the correct prices had to be displayed.I was told to tidy the drugs cabinet and display the disposable cameras.

The Algerian was like a caged animal handing out bollockings at will.He tore into the queen when the queen was helping a punter.The albino had failed to arrive claiming he had overslept.Later in the day it transpired that he had allegedly been arrested on a bus trying to dodge a fare.That has to be the most pathetic excuse i have ever heard but at least he tried.

The rumour started to circulate that the overfed area manager had arrived.The Algerian kept on phoning every 5 minutes to see if he had arrived.He was shitting himself.Even the king came in and moved one magazine into the correct position.The first bit of maual labour i have seen him undertake.

I was despatched to the small unit and the usual lady from that unit was sent to another unit to create a false impression of adequate staffing numbers.

The over fed area manager waddled in with the King.The King exchanged pleasantries with me which once again was an illusion to impress the over fed area manager.

He commented that the unit was quiet.I misheard and launched into a lecture about how i'd only turned up 15 minutes ago and i wasn't sure on how our turnover had been that day.His final comment was "you're never short of something to say are you?" as he waddled off into the sunset with his regulation ill fitting cheap charcoal suit.
The king had been taking notes during the inspection but in reality it was just to impress his superior.

I went back downstairs and had a mince with the Algerian and the queen who were both congratulating themselves because fat boy had apparently said "i am impressed with this unit".

The Algerian was hanging on every word and then started to tell me that his unit turns over £40k/week.He looked 10 years younger when the inspection was complete.

Wednesday 18th August 2010.6am -2pm

I had gone to bed early so felt fresher than i had and had managed to have a bath.
The queen works hard and so do i so we work well together.
He fancies this tall muscular black security guard but hasn't the courage to ask her out on a date.

I asked what had happened to the 21 year old Cameroonian who lives in Belgium that he met recently.He replied "out of sight out of mind".
Book change over day brings its own set of issues and they normally involve the actor,the Algerian,and the cockney scrubber.

The actor absolutely dreads Wednesday's.He knows he'll finish late and get bollocked by the Algerian.The actor has been working 8am - 12pm Monday - Friday for nearly 3 years but still can't handle irate punters or long queues of thirsty punters who are paying £1.65 for warm bottles of Coke..

I was thinking about the flat chested blonde again but maybe she has left because the turn over of staff in the station must be huge.

Thursday 19th August 2010.Day off.

Friday 20th August 2010.6am - 2pm

My wife's birthday.I left my wife her birthday cards before i left at 5.15am.The tube seems to be the best way to travel even though its more expensive.

There is a new member of staff doing the 5am paper shift.She is a devout Muslim with full regalia.It's her second week and she has taken my favourite till.I'm never sure if its etiquette to shake their hands so i introduce myself and keep my hands by my side.Fortunately,i only stayed with her until 8am because i was spending all my time telling her how to do things which i have started to find tiresome.

The female Terry Thomas turned up with her fake "Hello's" and her ridiculous attempts to make the punters go from Snickers to £1 bar of Galaxy's.She also visits the loos incessantly which means by the time she comes back i'm overloaded with punters.

I was called to the big unit where i worked with cockney scrubber and the fringe member of the Pakistani mafia. At the end of the week the scrubber's patience is stretched to breaking point.She is tired and her voice raises 3 octaves.

I clocked a slim peroxide blonde/white hair in the queue and as she drew closer i noticed her chest had benefited from silicon implants.At the same time i was engaging in conversation with her the albino turned up with a cage.He looked at me and i looked at him and i collapsed in a fit of giggles reminiscent of the first time i smoked marijuana.She was a younger version of Brigitte Nielsen and i just about completed the transaction of Tropicana Original with juicy bits before i started laughing.

This incident cheered me up no end and gave me the extra boost i needed to finish the shift.My TPS was very impressive today and according to the league tables i finished 6th on Wednesday.Bearing in mind i served 553 punters that's a good result.
I had a chat with the King before i left.He gave me my hours for next week,which are early shifts and i tried to discuss the expiration of my contract on 27th August.He told me we will sit down with his assistant next week.

Saturday 21st August 2010.8am - 2pm

A pleasant 6 hour shift awaited me as i saw the stubby Pakistani weekend supervisor.I will be working with Terry Thomas all day and i just had to bite my tongue.As discussed previously,Saturday's are generally more relaxed but today 3 incidents took place which concerned me considerably.

I had 3 arguments with 3 punters.The first was with a middle aged man who didn't queue in the right channel.He placed his heavy magazines on the adjoining till.I asked him to bring them over to my till.His reaction was negative and accused me of blocking the counter with bars of chocolate as per my new system of TPS.

He told me that "i don't want to be greeted by bars of chocolate when i have to put my items down".
"I'm not going to argue with you" i replied aggressively.

By this time he was fuming and so was i.He wouldn't let it go and nor would i.In the end i served him as politely as possible and he went on his way muttering under his breath.

The second incident involved a mixed race couple buying a Kit Kat.At the same time they approached the till i was involved in a heated debate with an anal trainspotter who had bought the Daily Mail just for the free Elvis Presley DVD.
"We didn't receive any today even though we have had them all week" i explained.
He couldn't let go of this situation and apparently whilst this was going on,i handled the Kit Kat aggressively whilst taking the money from the mixed race couple.

The reason i was talking to the trainspotter was because Terry Thomas didn't have a sufficient grasp of English to appease him.Her English is pathetic and i frequently bail her out of situations she can't deal with.

The couple accused me of throwing the Kit Kat at them.I was shocked at this accusation because i always try and offer the best service i can.I explained that i would never intentionally handle Kit Kat's aggresively.They also wouldn't let it go but i manage to move them on by being patronising.

The 3rd incident was the most amusing.A middle aged woman of about 50 approached the till and demanded that i move the Galaxy bars out of the way so she can put her hand bag down on the counter.
I refused and told her its company policy.This was like a red rag to a bull.She launched into a diatribe about how people are getting angry at pressurised selling in most retailers."We will all start to boycott the stores and you will lose money" she continued.

"We don't need your money because people have to shop with us because we have an exclusive contract in every station and airport in the country" i replied.

This comment completely crushed her but she came back for more like a wounded animal.
"Don't you feel aggrieved at this pressured selling" she asked.
"No,i love it because it gives me a chance to interact with the punters instead of being a robot" i answered.
"Wouldn't you like to talk about other things rather than sweets and chocolate" she countered.
"No,i like talking about sweets and chocolate it floats my boat" i concluded.

Off she went cursing under her breath.At 2pm the Pakistani and Bengali mafia arrived.The slim Indian graduate,the Polish muslim in a rather ornate Islamic outfit,Russell and Ginger all started their shifts as i walked out into the August drizzle.

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