Wednesday, 20 October 2010

One to one with the Imman's assistant

Wednesday 20th October 2010.6am-12pm

With the new contract signed,today is my penultimate day on the early shifts which will be a huge relief.

I received a text from ginger at 5.45am informing me that he wouldn't be in today owing to a mystery illness he caught from his brother.However,the rumour doing the rounds was that he went out clubbing.

The troubleshooter was in this morning wearing a thick fleece jacket to repel the cold.The station is freezing cold and the chill attacks every crevass of the building.

I was called in for a file note due to not scoring 100% on the bounceback vouchers.
This was an ideal opportunity to voice a few opinions with the Imman's assistant.I discussed staff moral,low staffing levels and lack of respect given to the staff by the management.Of course,I'm not expecting any of this to make a difference to our working day but she reckoned that they know about the poor moral.

Clearly there must be a problem if there are 13 vacancies.She has interviewed 30 people in the last 2 weeks and has only taken on 3 new members of staff.I asked her if she wondered why the only applicants for these jobs are Asian or Muslim.She said "its been like this for about 5 years and they don't know why this is the case".

I did the pick and mix and drove the cage very carefully today because it was packed to the rafters.The Algerian is away tomorrow for a few days so i won't work with him again which is a shame.

The stunning Slovakian nanny i met yesterday at my son's school has stayed in my head for 24 hours.She is about 25 years old with black hair,perfect teeth,good English and all assets in the right places.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

First chat with the Imman

Monday 18th October and Tuesday 19th October 2010.

The beginning of a new week and greeted by the Algerian surrounded by hundreds of magazines and feeling grumpy.

On Monday's the 2 magazine night geezers have a day off.The queen is away for 2 weeks and the slow Somalian is also away this week.I found this out when i arrived at 6am.So,the original slow boy attacked the papers with relish and somehow got 2 units open on our own.Normally,this would take 4 staff.

We had to open one of the units 1 hour late.They haven't covered the queen's shifts which is a subtle money saving exercise.

I made a decision to give them an ultimatum about my new hours and contract.They just keep you hanging on like a dog so i played them at their own game.

I collared the Imman in his office and demanded he gives me some time to discuss matters.I told them that if they don't give me a new contract at 3 days/week this week then i will leave.After a 15 minute chat about the legality of working without a contract he still hadn't asked me my name!! As i left the office i told him my name and suggested he wrote it down.

Surprise surprise his assistant found me deep in the bowels of the stock room and told me to come to the office after my shift to sign the new contract.Its a shame but the only language they understand is agressive and confrontational.

It looks like there are 2 new Asian muslims starting and one of them is in the full regalia.There was a young attractive mixed race girl who worked with us for 2 hours but sadly she's going to another station.Shame she had potential.

The major bombshell of the day was that ginger has found out that the cockney scrubber is Jewish!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Staff illness

15th October 2010.

Upon arrival i was greeted by the albino,the slow Somalian and the recently married Bangla cricketer whose wife will be joining him in a few months.

The female Terry Thomas called in ill,probably the anaemia she suffers from.When one person calls in sick there begins a domino effect which causes absolute chaos.There is no room for manouevre so i was on the till for the whole shift which felt a bit odd.I thought i may as well go for it on the TPS and see what weekend women were keen.

I have realised that the teenage girls are the most friendly but more through innocence rather than wanting to play ball.The Gok Wan crew were present with their eating disorders and over the top make up.

I hit on a 17 year old with massive boobs who was blushing as i was talking to her.She was going to Paris for a 5 day exchange trip and could possibly lose her virginity to a greasy smooth talking frog.

Of course the Algerian was fuming and had made the stubby Muslim come in at 8am even though she had a heavy cold.Unfortunately,i had to work with her and hope that i didn't catch her lurgy.She kept on sitting down on a pile of Daily Telegraph's behind the till because of the lurgy.

The Algerian had to do till work and was angry and the complete lack of justice in the world.The other scandal was the late arrival of the rotweiller.The Imman's assistant showed her anger very subtly when she told me that he hadn't even called in sick.She crouched behind our section to sort out the cash counters and i accidentally on purpose touched her bottom.
She's so cold emotionally she didn't even flinch.

The rotweiller surfaced about an hour late and he was pacing up and down sheepishly.His snarl was replaced with a whimper.I took pleasure in seeing him scared.

The highlight of the day was seeing my old school mate for a drink after work.I hadn't seen him in 21 years.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

The scrubber has a meltdown

Wednesday 13th October 2010.6am-12pm

The visit by the area manager didn't happen yesterday,surprise surprise.
When i was in the office listening to the Algerian bollocking the Asian who has been at the PLC for 25 years,i noticed a calendar on the wall which clearly stated that the well fed bloke was coming today.

Lo and behold at 7.45pm he rolled in with his 3 piece tight suit and was very jolly and polite.He made it in before the Imman and the other supervisors.Of course when the Algerian got wind of his arrival he turned into an alien.He started running around the station barking out orders and generally making a fool of himself.
I considered telling him about the treatment of the staff and my contract issues but there was no time.I was running about like a nutter today.Several cage trips and numerous phone calls from the Algerian.

Ginger was with me for a bit so we had our usual piss taking session which the slow Somalian tried to get involved with.

The next paragraph is attributed to my good mate Ginger.He was working with the cockney scrubber in the large unit when all of a sudden she started crying and shrieking.Furthermore,she sat on the floor behind the till and suffered a breakdown over the workload.Strange really,because earlier in the day she told me that retail is a serious career for her and its a bit early for her to be applying for supervisory roles.

The breakdown occured in full view of the punters and staff.Apparently the black MILF consoled her and put her arm around her in much the same way a Dad holds his child if they have been upset.

It will be interesting to see how this incident will be viewed by the Imman.It could be the end of her promising retail career.
The feedback from my property consultancy meeting has been very encouraging so watch this space.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Northern Women

Tuesday 12th October 2010.6am-12pm

The slow Somalian was praying to Allah again on his magic carpet in the filthy staff room.Its a strange sight but i do respect the bloke for following his faith.

I knew it would be all hands to the pump because of the area manager visit.Its a doddle now,no fear and no test of my intellectuality.The queen was despatched to the busy unit because Clarice Starling is away this week.

The Algerian worked me like a dog but i like hard work it makes the shift go quicker.
I have decided that i will take one of the permanent positions available which is potentially Mon-Wed 2pm-10pm.Its only 3 days a week but more importantly it enables me to check out the evening staff especially the Slovakian sex bomb.

I was unloading my third cage of the morning when i heard,"fuckin knobs" in a Mancunian female accent.
"Who are the knobs" i enquired.
She was a well worn lass of about 35 with platted hair.The sort of woman who probably still goes out raving and pops pills.

"The knobs are my mates from Manchester" she replied.
"Where have you been on holiday?" i asked spotting lots of suitcases.
"Barbados,what do you think of my sun tan?" the raver continued
"I never saw you before your holiday"
"Do you want to look at my white lines,or will you blush?" she teased
"Lets have a look and i won't blush"

She then proceeded to push her reasonably shaped breasts out of her tight top and showed me her white bikini line.Unfortunately,her mother appeared and the fun was over.

The Algerian suggested i apply for the supervisors role.I told him that when i look at him every day i know that its not where i want to be going with my life.

The Imman's assistant promised me that we would sign the new contract but needless to say she put me off until later in the week.

The big Indian unit is sweating on a new contract and is trying to facilitate this by getting his cousin,the slim Indian cricketer, and the rotweiller to tell the Imman to give him a contract.

I politely told the big unit to approach the Imman himself and just deal with it like a man instead of relying on those 2 shmendricks (yiddish for wet behind the ears).Its very interesting observing how the fear paralyses the Asians even though they are dealing with their own kind.

I glimpsed the flat chested blonde coming out of our unit and managed to say "Hello,how are you?"
"Not bad" she replied.
Maybe,she is now on a different shift but she is gorgeous especially when she wears tight jeans and suede pixie boots.

My consultancy meeting at 4pm went well so watch this space.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Contract Negotiations

Monday 11th October 2010.6am-12pm

I only served about 3 punters today becasue the queen went to another unit and i ran the show whilst the Algerian was supervising another unit.

The actor was back from Norwich and the slow Somalian completed the line up.
My objective for the day was to facilitate a permanent contract from the Imman.

Instead it was the Imman's assistant,who has a raking cough,printed off the entire availablity of permanent shifts.There are 11 permanent shifts available including a supervisors role.All the lads were asking me if i will apply for a supervisors position.If they paid £20/hour then i would think about it.

Tonight i will digest the shifts with her in doors and let them know tomorrow.Today,i prepared a pick and distributed all the items and apparently the well fed area manager will be inspecting tomorrow which is always a laugh.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Ginger and I

Friday 8th October 2010.6am-12pm

Big bust up with the missus last night and there are some big decisions to be made regarding working in this place.Quite simply if my wife is going to successfully achieve her goal of becoming a cabbie then she needs as much time as possible to study.

Friday's are always interesting beacuse the weekend travellers are a mixed bunch but the women are normally attached and their boyfriends hover in the corners keeping an eye on them.They are so insecure they are worried about unscrupulous till assistants chatting them up.

The queen has started working Friday's abd every time a black woman with a large booty walks past he points her out to me.

Terry Thomas was present for an hour and i played a trick on her.She hasn't met the Imman yet and i told her that he does his rounds between 8am-8.30am every morning.She was about to go to the toilet and wash her hands when i told her that the Imman is on his way.Her face dropped and she looked like she was about to shit herself.The power of the management over most of these staff is frightening.

Ginger came on board and as usual we had a good laugh taking the piss out of all the punters.He reckons Guardian readers and the most friendly and the rudest are Daily Mail readers.

There was an incident with a 60 ish year old trumped up bitch that resulted in me crushing the life out of her.I was helping a French couple with directions and it must have taken a few minutes.When they paid for their map a grey haired blue blooded female toff started criticising me for taking too long to get the queue moving.

That was it,i told her that "people like you complain if we don't offer service and when we do you don't like it".

I hadn't finished with her "i knew you would be like this,its written all over your face".

Crushed into a pulp.The ginger was listening intently and it felt good to release some anger on a woman like that.The Imman eventually did the rounds and i still haven't spoken to him.

The assistant manager from Paperchase is proving difficult to engage with even though she has potential.The last 2 days i have noticed the slim blonde arriving for work when i leave.She is very attractive.

Still no permanent contract in place but i think on Monday i will tell them that i only want 2 shifts a week before my sanity is threatened.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

The Legend's health and the new regime.

Wednesday 6th October 2010.6am-12pm

I am now able to clock in using the finger impression technology.Wow,these are heady days indeed!!

I am building up a good rapport with the slow Somalian and even though its difficult to understand him he's got a dry sense of humour in a Somalian way.

There were plenty of Khat jokes and we have a good one going about the Imman.I am trying to see the Imman to sort out a new contract but he was scarce again.

The Algerian is absolutely pumped at the moment because he is shitting himself about the new Imman.
The unit is having a complete makeover with all pricing present and the "planograms" being followed rigidly.

A fringe member of the Pakistani mafia was present today.I haven't seen him for a while because he's allegedly back at university but you can never tell with this lot; if its the truth or fabricated.

The Legend stumbled into the staff room with the Sun,Mirror, and Star and holding a medical chest of medicines.He is looking very pale and has developed excma around the top of his nose.He had chest pains yesterday and suffers from a serious stomach ulcer as well as diabetes and high blood pressure.He went to see his DR after work and was told he should be admitted to hospital immediately.

However,for some reason only known to him he came to work today.He glugged to large spoons of Gavascon and necked a couple of prescribed pills to keep the ulcer in check.He reckons its flared up because of the stress being created by the new regime.

The cockney scrubber has finally moved out of the family home at the age of 30 and into a house share.She will give it 6 months and if it doesn't work out she will go back home.She appears clinically depressed like a lot of the staff in this place.
Whoopi Goldberg was on the scene today,clad in her surgical gloves.The black MILF with the gold teeth was also around and i offered to help her with a big trolley of books.

The Algerian had to handle the book change over himself because the actor is looking at houses in Norwich with his parents and the queen had to go to the dentist because his bridge fell out.He's worried that the well built black security guard he's obsessed with won't be able to kiss him.Deluded or what? He hasn't even spoken to her and he reckons he's in with a chance.Day off tomorrow and its a big day on the potential property consultancy front.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Khat and the Imman

Monday and Tuesday 4th and 5th October 2010.6am -12pm

This week was always going to be trying because the new Imman was due to commence his tenure at the PLC.

The Algerian has returned from Paris and is already causing problems for the staff with his crass behaviour.He asked me whether everything ran smoothly whilst he was away.I replied in the affirmative and told him that it went very smoothly in his absence,but he had to have the last word,"they put extra staff on last week" he squirmed.

This bloke is so insecure he needs to fell indispensable or he gets worries and realises that any old fool could do his job.The Imman buried his head into the computer and all the other supervisors were scared to go in the office.Even the ex-king's assistant was undertaking significant manual work like putting paperback books on the shelves.She is also more friendly that usual.My assessment of this new behaviour is that she was so in awe of the king she just couldn't be herself.I have been trying to work out her sexuality and may well start exploring this further because i am determined to establish which side she bats for.However,i have been wrong twice so far,with the queen and ginger.

I spent a large proportion of Tuesday removing stock and cleaning shelves,it was very depressing and my hands were filthy.

I finally saw the new Imman in close quarters.He's about 40 and unfortunately has the same bedside manner as the king.He stood next to me whilst talking to the Algerian and didn't introduce himself and ignored me.In all my time working in various sectors i have never come across these type of ignorant rude bastards.

The contract negotiations have gone on the back burner but i need to lay it on the line with the Imman.I noticed the rotweiller sucking up to him,and one of many rumours is that he is maybe related to the Imman.

The slow Somalian has a good laugh with me and there was an interesting exchange of view between him and one of the Somalian cleaners.After they had finished their chat he told me that the cleaner is on Khat.For the uninitiated Khat is a root vegetable commonly available in the Yemen and Somalia.It is also available at certain establishments on Edgware Road to those in the know.

In my younger years i used to chew on a bunch of Khat and eventually it produces a similar sensation to consuming Amphetamine sulphate.Apparently,the cleaner is a Khat addict and it explains his erratic behaviour and confrontational temperament.

Needless to say the Imman's arrival has created mass panic in the ranks and the Algerian is trying to create the perfect unit in one day.He showed me how to use a barcode scanner which is networked to a price sticker printer.Its great technology and i was enjoying zapping all the unprice products.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Weekend travellers.

Friday 1st October 2010.6am-12pm

Its the final day of the week and also the final day of peace from the Algerian's absence.

When we arrived this morning the state of the unit was abysmal.There is an unwritten
rule whereby the evening staff leave the unit in a satisfactory state for the following morning.

Instead,they had left 3 empty skips behind the till and lots of products which should have been returned to the shelves.At 6am in the morning it immediately puts you on the back foot because we're always behind the 8 ball.

Slow Somalian and I salvaged the situation with some hard graft and turned it around.In the queen's absence i ran the show and co-ordinated breaks and delegated duties.This job is very easy but made difficult by incompetent staff.

The ex-king's assistant once again remained in her office today and is probably pooing her pants in expectation of the new Iman starting on Monday.

She told me that there is plenty of work available next week if i want it but i declined the invitation and stuck to my usual 24 hours which is more than enough.

I had a dream about Sandy Gall bags.We were crouching next to the travel adaptor section and she stroked my leg and i responded by touching her bottom!!
Fortunately,it didn't go further than that.