Sunday, 25 July 2010

Whoopi Goldberg and The Pakistani Mafia

Saturday 24th July 2010.2pm-10pm

Thursday and Friday off due to cut backs.

Physically i was under the weather after picking up some kind of bug from a fish and chip restaurant in Soho.I knew when they told me the fish is cooked in duck fat and palm oil that i was taking a risk.

I hadn't eaten properly all day when i arrived in the staff room to be greeted by the weekend Pakistani Mafia.
They comprise the troubleshooter,the anorexic Pakistani graduate and the 2 weekend supervisors of which one has a voice like a woman and is the same height as Napoleon Bonaparte.

I was summoned to the big unit and it worked out very well because i worked with Whoopi Goldberg.She is a slim black lady with dreadlocks but an unbelievable set of gnashers which resemble a horse.I'd seen her around but had never worked with her.

She is a player.Her communication with the punters is impressive and her levels of service are excellent.In fact the best employee i have met.It took a while to undersatnd her sense of humour but we settled in well.Working with new employees for the first time is a bit like going on a blind date.You just don't know if you will get on with them.

I had to sign 2 more disclaimers.One regarding taking time off for sickness and one for handing out bounceback vouchers.I noticed Thursday's TPS results and 17 out of 22 staff failed to make the target.The Algerian had written in big letters in writing like a child "VERY BAD RESULTS" highlighted in pink.
Napoleon drew my attention to this even though i wasn't working.I suggested to him that its no coincidence that nearly everyone failed to reach the target.If there were incentives this wouldn't happen.Quite simply no-one can be bothered to sell.

Whoopi is a 3 year veteran of the company and knows every angle possible.She works part time in a branch of the PLC at a major London hospital.Even though we may not enjoy what we do its important to maintain standards amidst the mediocrity.

At around 6pm there were some loud noises and laughing emmanating from the staff room.Whoopi heard this and looked at me aggressively.She primed herself for action and said,"Lets sort these idiots out".

She stormed into the staff room and allegedly told them to keep quiet and do some work.When i told her that i call them the "Pakistani Mafia" she laughed uncontrollably and showed her full set of horse teeth.

One punter asked me for a receipt for a purchase of one newspaper and when i told him we don't give receipts as standard practice he said "Its normal,its normal".
Whoopi was fuming at this behaviour it tapped into something inside her,probably irritability, restlessness and discontentment.She hates people who ask for receipts when making small purchases.

I managed to hold down a Cheddar ploughman's sandwich and soldiered on until 10pm.The final 2 hours were on my own but my usual banter was missing because of the illnesss and the spiritual malady.Somalian security is back and we get on well because he likes talking to me about football coaching and tactics.It can be difficult to understand him because of his weak English but he's a decent bloke just making the best of it and providing for his family.

2 more days off and then a week of early shifts beckons.

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